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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    The Boss-tomer Is Always Right

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Technology, Top

    (I am overhearing a heated argument between a very rude customer and my manager.)

    Customer: “This game isn’t working like it’s supposed to. I demand a full refund!”

    Manager: “Once again, sir, the packaging’s already been opened. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do. If you had read the packaging before opening it, you would have known that this game would not be compatible with your system.”

    Customer: “That’s a lie! You are lying to me! This game is d*** well compatible. This one is just defective!”

    (I walk over to where my manager and the customer is. Much to my horror, I am met with a very unpleasant surprise: the customer is actually my boss at my second job.)

    Customer: “Hey! [my name]! Help me out here! This guy clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

    Me: “Well, [boss], why don’t you explain to me your side of the story, since I just joined in?”

    Customer: “I tried to run this game on my girlfriend’s laptop and it won’t work. Now this guy over here is trying to tell me that it isn’t supposed to work!”

    Me: “Um, well, he’s right. That game isn’t compatible with computers. This is an Xbox 360 game.”

    Customer: “Aww, for Christ’s sake, not you too! My girlfriend’s laptop runs Windows. Windows is Microsoft. Xbox is also Microsoft.”

    Me: “No, I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way. If it did, that would defeat the purpose of having two separate products.”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that bulls***! I want my money back now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you really should’ve asked an employee before you bought that game, or at least read the back of the box. We can’t take back opened products.”

    Customer: “You really gonna talk to me like that? Well, fine! You better start working here full-time now, because as of now, your a** is fired from MY shop!”

    (My now ex-boss takes his game and angrily leaves the store. What does he do for a living? He’s the owner of a retail shop and his return policy is much more strict than ours.)

    A Lose-Snooze Situation

    , | Vancouver, Canada | Technology

    Customer: *rushes into the store* “I need a battery.”

    Me: “Sure, what type of battery do you need?”

    Customer: “It’s for my home alarm system. It’s not working because the battery is dead.”

    Me: “Okay, do you know what size or type of battery it uses?”

    (I show him the various sizes: AA, AAA, C, 9 Volt, etc.)

    Customer: “I don’t know. These all look the same.”

    Me: “Could you bring in the one that is not working and I will match it up with the correct one to ensure you purchase the correct one?”

    Customer: “You mean, bring the dead battery here?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that! It’s for my alarm system. If I take the battery out, it won’t work. The battery is dead, so my alarm is not working!” *leaves*

    By Doing Nothing, The Customer Solves Itself

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Technology

    (I work at a call center for an online auction site.  The first thing we need to ask when we answer the phone is for their user name.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. May I have your user name, please?”

    Caller: “It’s [user name].”

    Me: “Thanks. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “I forgot my user name.”

    Me: “You mean the user name you just provided me with?”

    (There’s an awkward pause while the caller processes what I’ve said.)

    Caller: “Oh…never mind!” *click*

    Related:
    By Doing Nothing, The Problem Solves Itself

    Detached From (Digital) Reality

    , | Beltsville, MD, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work for an online retail store. When customers send orders to addresses different from their card, we e-mail them a Word document form. This form requires they fill it out and e-mail it back to us.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand. I’ve sent this form to you several times now.”

    Me: “Sir, I saw your e-mail, but the form wasn’t attached to it.”

    Customer: “Attached? How do you do that?”

    Me: “What program or e-mail provider do you use?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. I just write e-mails.”

    Me: “Well, is your e-mail through Outlook, or is it something in a browser, like AOL, Yahoo, or Gmail?

    Customer: “Yahoo.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, you need to look for—”

    Customer: “Hold up! I don’t even have my e-mail open. Why do I need to do this? I used your program and sent you the file.”

    Me: “What program, sir?”

    Customer: “Microsoft Office. And now it’s opening a bunch of files! 1, 2, 3, 4…20!”

    Me: “Did you click on our file a bunch of times?”

    Customer: “No! I just clicked on what you sent me! Your program is really stupid.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our program. We sent you a document. The program to open it is someone else’s.”

    Customer: “Well, your ‘document’ has a virus! There are 20 things on my screen now!”

    Me: “It’s not a virus, sir. Just close those windows down, and we’ll start from scratch…”

    Customer: *a few minutes later* “There. I filled out the form. You should have it.”

    Me: “Sir, did you save it and attach it to the e-mail?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I filled it out! You should have it.”

    Me: “You have to save it and attach it to the e-mail.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid! Your program should just send it to you!”

    Me: “Sir, again, that’s not our program. That is just a Word document that you save your information in.”

    Customer: “You should use a program that just lets you fill it out and it sends the information.”

    Me: “Sorry, our documents don’t do that.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculously complicated. I’m about to cancel my order!”

    Me: “If you wish to do that sir, it’s up to you.”

    Customer: “I mean, how do you run your business? I have a Master’s in Computer Science! If I can’t figure this out, who could?!”

    As Clear As Muddy

    , | Pennsylvania, USA | Language & Words, Technology

    (I’ve just started on the floor for customer service for a cable company. A customer calls in saying his TV is “muddy”.)

    Me: “Sorry, sir, I’m not understanding what is wrong with your TV. Is it pixelated, blue, or fuzzy?”

    Customer: “No, it’s muddy.”

    (After a few minutes of trying to figure out exactly what he meant by muddy.)

    Me: “Sir…do you have mud on your TV?”

    Customer: “D*** it! I said it’s muddy. M-U-T-E…MUDDY!”

    Me: “Sir, do you see a muddy button on your remote?

    Customer: “Yes. ”

    Me: “Press the button.”

    Customer: “That fixed it. Thank you so much!”

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