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    Category: Technology

    The realm of Technical Support is there to provide expert assistance to those who are not so tech-savvy. Although they still expect you to know what a computer is, and how to turn it on, and to know that you can’t ‘fix the internet’ because it isn’t pretty enough. You have been warned…

    Upgrade Degrade

    | USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (I work at a web hosting company where we have several levels of packages. Customer is currently on a server with hundreds of others and is trying to set up an account with a username that is already taken.)

    Customer: “I can’t use this username; it says it’s already in use.”

    Me: “Let me take a look and see what’s going on.”

    (I check. Sure enough, someone else on the server is using the username already.)

    Me: “I do apologize, but there is someone on the server already using that username. You will have to use another.”

    Customer: “I guess I’ll just have to upgrade to a dedicated server.”

    (A dedicated is a server with no other users, but is also 10 times the price.)

    Me: “You don’t have to upgrade. Simply use another username. You can always just add a 1 to the end of it, that will work.”

    Customer: “No, thanks. I knew I’d have to upgrade eventually.”

    Me: “No problem. Was there anything else I could do for you today?”

    Customer: “Let me talk to your manager. I can’t believe you’re making me upgrade! This is ridiculous!”

    About To Have A Fire Sale

    | Clovis, NM, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

    (I work in a call center doing tech support for a well known fast food chain. A coworker is the one that actually took this call. They were complaining about a piece of equipment that functions as a surge protector and battery backup for the computers that run the store.)

    Caller: “My [piece of equipment] is smoking.”

    Coworker: “Sir, I need you to unplug everything from it and move everything away from it until it cools down.”

    Caller: “But that will bring down our store! I’ll do it later when we slow down or after closing.”

    Coworker: “Sir, you realize it could burst into flames and burn down your store, right?”

    Caller: “And? We are busy!”

    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 11

    | AL, USA | Extra Stupid, Language & Words, Technology

    Customer: *storms into the store, tosses his phone at me* “D*** thing doesn’t work!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *picks phone up* “What seems to be wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s broken. Doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, I understand that, sir, but what is or isn’t it doing?”

    Customer: “It won’t let me log into my email. It’s broken. Fix it or get me another one.”

    Me: “Well, sir… Is it possible you just put in the wrong password?”

    Customer: “No. No, that ISN’T possible. I put in the password the way I always do.”

    Me: “Well, let’s do this then, sir.” *I pull out my own phone* “I know my phone works. I’ll log out of my email on here, and you can try logging into it on mine.”

    (The customer tries to log in on my phone, and it doesn’t work.)

    Me: *smiles* “Now then, sir, either you just broke my phone, in which case I’ll need you to replace it, or you just forgot your email, and I can help you reset your password.”

    Customer: *grumbling* “Let’s reset the d*** password, then.”

    Related:
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 10
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 9
    Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 8

    Deal With Them On A Case By Case Basis

    | Germany | Extra Stupid, Technology

    (A customer calls tech support, telling me he had bought a new computer at one of my company’s stores, and that it isn’t turning on.)

    Me: “Okay, I understand the problem.”

    (Thinking it’s going to be the standard power-supply-switch/cable not connected issue, I ask him if he has plugged it in and switched it on at the back.)

    Caller: “Well, there’s the problem. There is nowhere to plug in a cable.”

    Me: “That’s unusual. Sir, are you sure you have the right cable and are looking at the right side of the computer?”

    Caller: “Yes. I am looking at the back side, and there is nowhere to plug in a cable or anything.”

    Me: “Okay, could you please describe to me what you see.”

    Caller: “Well, I can tell you that there is a big hole in the back of the computer through which I can stick my entire arm.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Okay, sir, I think that might be the problem. I think you have bought a bare-bone casing for a computer, rather than a working PC. May I ask what the computer cost?”

    Caller: “€90.”

    Me: “Okay, sir,.I would advise you to take that casing back to the store and tell the guys there the issue. I am sure the will take it back and provide you with an actual computer rather than a case.”

    Caller: “Er, um, okay. I guess I’ll do that then…” *click*

    Has No Bridge Over These Troubled Waters

    | USA | Rude & Risque, Technology, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a retail rep at a well-known cellphone carrier store.)

    Customer: “I bought two phones two weeks ago. My brother’s doesn’t work. He says it has never turned on since he got it in the mail.”

    (I pull up the account to view if the device has been in use. Before I see this info…)

    Customer: “Oh, and how come his phone has a red square on the back but mine is white?”

    (For those who don’t know cell phones have liquid damage indicators that turn white to red when exposed to liquid.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. This device has liquid damage and is not covered by the warranty. You also didn’t add insurance to this line.”

    Customer: “So what does that mean?”

    Me: “You have to continue to pay on the phone and get a new one if your brother needs a phone.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s impossible. He said it never turned on since he got it.”

    Me: “I see on the account the device was used for the first time on [date] and stopped use three days ago. It had been in use for nine days of the twelve days you have had service.”

    Customer: “No, he would’ve told me if he got some liquid on it. That’s not possible.”

    Me: “Well, pink indicates exposure. Red, which this is totally red, means the phone was drenched in liquid. He must have gotten significant amount of liquid on it.”

    Customer: “So, you’re not gonna replace it?”

    Me: “We can’t. You have no insurance and you voided the warranty with damage.”

    Customer: “You’re telling me [Company] won’t back up the products they sell?”

    Me: “We do. So long as you have insurance for accidental damage or if there is no damage for warranty exchanges. You have neither.”

    Customer: “That doesn’t make sense. If I bought a car and there’s something wrong with it, the dealer would take care of it! The dealer would fix it for free!”

    Me: “Not if you rammed the car into a building.”

    Customer: “Well… If… So what? I gotta keep paying on the phone even though he can’t use it?”

    Me: “Yes. You still owe $300 on it.”

    Customer: “That’s outrageous! I’m not buying him a new phone. Cancel his line!”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Although you have no contract therefore no early termination fee, your next bill will have a charge of $300 for the phone.”

    Customer: “What?! What happened to paying it off monthly like I was told?”

    Me: “As long as you have an active line you can pay it off monthly. You signed something that said the entire value of the phone is due immediately once service is canceled.”

    Customer: “I will still have my line.”

    Me: “The phone isn’t attached to your line. Yours is.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t you all just HAVE ME BY THE BALLS. Y’ALL GOT ME BY THE BALLS!”

    (He grabs all his stuff and starts to storm out.)

    Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

    Customer: “BY THE BALLS!”

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