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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    The Downers Of Up-Selling

    | Canada | Money, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (At the ferry terminal where I work, we have a discount card. When loaded with money, it will give you a substantial discount when customers use it to pay for a ticket.  I don’t usually mention it because all the local commuters know about it, but when they are paying for 4 or more people at a time, it is actually cheaper to buy the card than to pay the usual price.)

    Me: “Hello! How many of you are traveling today?”

    Customer: “Five of us and the car.”

    Me: Great! Hey, would you like to save some money today? We have this card and—”

    Customer: ”No! No card! Don’t sell me anything!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. But if you load $95 on this card, it’s actually cheaper than the $120 dollars I will be charging you normally. You see it’s a discount card and-”

    Customer: “No! I said no! Don’t you people listen? Always trying to sell me crap. Just give me a ticket!”

    Me: “Okay then. That will be $120 instead of the $95 for a ticket. No problem.”

    Customer’s Wife: “What?!” *smacks husband’s arm and glares* “Will you listen to her?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “Oh… uh… wait. Maybe we will take that card thing.”

    Me: “Right away, sir…” 

    Being Ageless Gets Old

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Spouses & Partners, Top, Underaged

    (A customer comes to my till with a video game. This particular game is for ages 17 and up, but the customer looks no older than 14 or 15.)

    Me: “Sir, this game is rated M. Are you over 17 years of age?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Alright, hang on. I’ll be back in a minute.”

    (The customer leaves the store. Later, he comes back with an older woman, who I assume is his mother.)

    Woman: “Honey, which game is it that you wanted?”

    Customer: “This one.”

    (The customer comes back to my till once more, holding the game he was trying to purchase, with the older woman in tow.)

    Me: “Ma’am, just so you know, this game is rated M, so it’s normally meant for people ages 17 and up.”

    Woman: “Oh, that won’t be a problem.”

    Me: “Just to double-check with you, ma’am, this game’s contents can be pretty violent, so it may not be appropriate for your son.”

    Woman: *chuckles* “Oh, he’s not my son.”

    Me: “I apologize. But once again, it might not be appropriate for your…nephew? Little brother? Cousin?”

    Woman: “He’s none of those, silly! He’s my husband!”

    Me: “Whaaaaaaaa?”

    (The customer then pulls out his driver’s license, which I carefully examine. According to his date of birth, he’s 33 years old.)

    Me: “Okay, so you had ID. Why didn’t you just show me that?”

    Customer: “Look at how short and baby-faced I am! If I showed you my ID from the beginning, you would probably think it was fake!”

    Me: “Fair enough, you got me there. I mean no disrespect by this, but I did think you were about 14.”

    Customer: “Yeah, looking like this is both a blessing and a curse. I even quit drinking because it’s too much of a hassle to buy beer!”

    (The customer pays for his game and leaves, while his wife is tries to stifle her laughter.)

    For Bitter Or Worse, Part 2

    | Sweden | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

    Me: “Welcome to [Directory Enquiries Company]. You’re speaking to [my name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’m looking for the number to a man named [name]. I don’t remember where he lives, but I hope he shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

    Me: “That’s a pretty uncommon name, so he wasn’t hard to find at all. If you’d like to, I can send you an SMS to your cellphone with his information. Or, would you rather write it down yourself?”

    Caller: “Oh, I’ve never understood these cellphones, so I’d rather write it down myself, please. Just give me a moment to fetch a pen.”

    (Up until now, the caller has been very polite and calmer than a tibetan monk on Valium. Suddenly…)

    Caller: “GET ME A F***ING PEN, YOU F***ING IDIOT!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Oh, not you dear, I’m just talking to a good-for-nothing slob over here.” *to someone in the background* “NO, NOT THE FLYSWATTER! WHAT THE F*** AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?! A PEN! A F***ING PEN, YOU IDIOT!”

    (The cussing and hollering goes on for about a minute before the caller gets back to the phone.)

    Caller: “Alright, I have a pen now. What was the number, dear?”

    Me: *reads the number to the caller*

    Caller: “Thank you, dear. You have been most helpful! Have a lovely day!” *hangs up*

    Related:
    For Bitter Or Worse

    It Was A Shot Glass Wedding

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m helping a very elderly, very nice, lady get around the store. We’re in the liquor section when she asks me to read some of the labels.)

    Me: ”Well, we’ve got Jack Daniels, Cutty Sark, Bombay Sapphire, Jim Beam—”

    Lady: “No, I don’t want Jim Beam. Last time I drank, Jim Beam, I had to get married! I didn’t care for that one bit!”

    Husband And Strife

    | Maine, USA | Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Wild & Unruly

    (A man walks in with his wife and starts ordering their food. She goes over to the soda machine to grab a drink, but the ice machine stops working. Frustrated, the wife starts slamming on the bar you push to get ice.)

    Wife: “IT’S NOT WORKING!”

    Me: “I’ll be right over. Sometimes it jams and you just have to hold down the handle for a bit.”

    (I go over and hold down the handle for a good 30 seconds which is usually enough time for the ice to start coming out again, but it still doesn’t work.)

    Me: “I’m really sorry about that. Usually there’s an additional charge for bottled drinks but you can have one for no extra cost if that’s okay.”

    Wife: “Okay, thanks.”

    (The wife goes to grab a drink but just stands there for a moment.)

    Wife: “You know what? WHATS THE POINT OF GRABBING A G**D*** DRINK IF THERE’S NO G**D*** ICE?!”

    Husband: “Baby, it’s fine. Just grab a bottled drink.”

    Wife: “NO, IT REALLY ISN’T!” *throws cup on the ground and stomps out the door*

    Me: “I’m so sorry… you can have a bottled drink for free at this point.”

    Husband: “Really?”

    Me: “Yeah, sure. I’m sorry about the ice.”

    Husband: “No, no, don’t worry about it. She’s just a huge b****!”

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