Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

It’s All Downhill From Here

| Helsinki, Finland | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners

(I’m a customer buying ski boots at a store, when I over hear a conversation between another customer and a clerk.)

Customer: “Yes, I bought these ski boots a week ago, but they are faulty!”

Clerk: “I’m sorry about that, what seems to be the problem with them?”

Customer: “These locks won’t hold; they keep opening up!”

Clerk: “Would you let me see the boots, please?”

(The customer hands to the boots to the clerk, and he fastens the locks and can’t find anything wrong with them.)

Clerk: “I’m sorry, miss; the locks seem to work all fine. Could you explain more how they won’t hold?”

Customer: “Well of course they hold when you put them so tight to third position! Put them to first position and you’ll see! They won’t hold locked!”

Clerk: “But wouldn’t the ski boots be too loose for you to wear then?”

Customer: “Just put the locks to the first position and you’ll see!”

(The clerk puts the locks to the first position, and they do ‘fall off’.)

Customer: “See, these are faulty!”

Clerk: “But miss, these locks are used to fasten the boot around your foot. They are supposed to be put tight and not left loose.”

Customer: “But if I want to wear them on the first position, I should be able to do that! Why is there the first position anyway, if I can’t use it, huh? You tell me why? I won’t get full usage for my money if I can’t use all the positions!”

Clerk: “Every person has a little bit different sized feet and that’s why the locks are adjustable. The point is not to use all the positions of the lock but to adjust the ski boot to match your feet.”

Customer: “But what if I want to use the first position? Now I can’t; these boots are faulty!”

Clerk: “I can take these back if you wish, but I have to tell you that you will have the exact same problem with every other ski boot, too. The idea is to find the adjustment good for your feet, not to use all the positions.”

Customer: “I want to return these, they’re faulty! You should be ashamed of yourselves selling this kind of faulty items!”

(I can’t help giggling, and the other customer gives me some nasty glances. The customer then takes a call, I presume from her boyfriend/husband.)

Customer: “They’re taking the boots back, but are you sure this is right? The other customers are laughing at me… Of course hun… Yeah I know, they probably don’t know anything about skiing. I’m glad the fault was found this quickly. I can’t believe they would sell something like this. Okay, I gotta go; the clerk’s coming back.”

Clerk: “Here’s your money miss. And I’m sorry you weren’t satisfied with the product.”

Customer: “Well, you should be. But thanks, anyway. I’ll go buy my boots somewhere else!”

(The customer then turns and leaves. The clerk and I have a laugh at the story. I reserve the boots until next day for myself. They are really good, but I still want to try some other boots, too. I go to another sporting store and I see the same customer in there. She is giving them a hard time about the lock positions. She accuses the clerk of being incompetent, and that her boyfriend knows everything about skiing, and that she should be able to use which ever position she wants on the locks.)

Moving Pictures From A Moving Story

| Washington, DC, USA | History, Spouses & Partners, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I am visiting the Holocaust Museum. I am in a room full of framed pictures and digital displays, with picture slideshows of the war crime trials. There are some teenagers sitting around playing on their phones. An old couple are looking at the slideshows.)

Old Woman: “How do you get the pictures to stop moving?”

(She tries touching the screen.)

Old Man: “Here, let me try.”

(They both assume it is a touch-screen, and are pressing hard against it.The teenagers see this, and start laughing to each other.)

Teenager: “Look at these senile old people!”

(They begin filming the old couple, who are still trying to get the slideshow to stop. A tour guide has heard the noise, and comes over to see what is wrong.)

Guide: “Can I help you?”

Old Woman: “Yes, what button do we need to press to get the picture to stop?”

Guide: “You can’t stop them; it’s a looping slideshow. I think it’s only for two minutes, so you can just wait for it to repeat.”

Old Woman: “But those pictures change so fast!”

Guide: “Is there a reason you need to see all these pictures?”

Old Man: “Yes, I’m looking for the pictures of the bench.”

Guide: “Oh, well there are several photos just over here from the trials. Here’s one.”

(He directs them to the opposite wall to several pictures hidden among a few dozen others.)

Old Woman: “There you are!”

(She grows very excited, and points to the picture as though she had spotted something she had been looking for.)

Old Man: “Yep, got my American Flag pin on.”

(The old man reaches into his coat pocket, and shows the tour guide the pin. The teenagers have shut up by this point, and stopped filming. The tour guide then leads the old couple around the corner to show them more pictures of the trials. I walk up afterwards, and look at the picture. Seated at the bench were the Nazi war criminals that had caused so much death and destruction. Behind them are a line of American soldier guards. While most of the men have no medals or pins on, I spot the one soldier wearing an American flag pin over his heart. Don’t judge a book by its cover. That same man who had difficulty with a foreign device was entrusted to stand watch over some of the worst men of the twentieth century.)

He Already Has Enough Issues

| AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Spouses & Partners

(One of my co-workers is checking out a couple.)

Cashier: “Alright, so your total is [total].”

(The wife starts paying with debit. Her husband is scanning our magazines at the side of the till.)

Husband: *to the cashier* “Excuse me, miss? Can I get a magazine?”

Cashier: “Oh, sure, I don’t see why not. We can do it as a separate transaction if you’d like?”

Husband: “Oh? I have to buy them?”

Cashier: *laughs* “Yes, sir. You would have to buy it.”

Husband: “Oh… well then, never mind.” *turns to his wife* “This b**** won’t give me a magazine!”

Wife: “Shut up; you’re being an a**!”

(The two customers leave and the cashier turns to me.)

Cashier: “I really hope he was drunk. If not, then what just happened?”

He’ll Be In The Afterlife After The Birth

| CA, USA | Health & Body, Holidays, Spouses & Partners, Top

(It is Halloween. The hospital staff have put up decorations, but they’re minimal. I’m trying to wheel a patient who is in labor, to the room she was assigned, along with her husband.)

Patient’s Husband: “We should put her in the room with the witch hanging over the door.”

Me: “I’m sorry. That room’s actually a different size. I’m supposed to take you to room 79.”

Patient’s Husband: “But that room has a ghost. She wants a witch.”

Me: “The only room we have with that decoration is half the size of this one, and doesn’t have all the same equipment in it. This is the room you paid for.”

Patient’s Husband: “It has to be a witch. She’s been real nasty all week.”

(As she hears her husband say this, the wife is looking less and less pleased. She is a week overdue, and has been in for false labor pains the past two weeks.)

Me: “That’s interesting, but there aren’t any decorations inside the room anyway. What is inside this room is a much wider space for the doctor and nurses to provide her with better care.”

Patient’s Husband: “She wants a witch, so put her in the room with the witch.”

(Finally, the patient has had enough and speaks up.)

Patient: “Shut up. I want to get this kid out in whatever room the people who know what they’re doing think is best, you dumb troll!”

Crying Over Spoiled Milk

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Top

(I’m working in a restaurant at the bar where we also make coffees. I’m standing at the espresso machine when a male customer approaches to order.)

Customer: “I’d like a cappuccino with no milk, please.”

(This confuses me, as milk is a necessary component for cappuccinos.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Do you mean a black coffee? A long black, perhaps? That’s espresso topped up with hot water?”

Customer: “No, I want a normal cappuccino; just don’t put any milk in it.”

Me: “Well, that would just be a short black or espresso shot. Is that what you’re after?”

Customer: “No! Look, it’s not that complicated. Just make me a cappuccino, but leave out the milk.”

(Still confused, I make up a shot of espresso in a cappuccino cup and show the customer.)

Me: “Is this what you want?”

Customer: “No! Ugh! You kids these days don’t know anything about making decent coffees!”

(I actually have over six years experience making coffees.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I just don’t understand what you want me to make.”

(The customer storms off back to his table in the bistro. Not long after, a woman comes up to the bar.)

Woman: “I’d just like to apologise for my idiot of a husband and order a cappuccino with skinny milk. Honestly, how did he expect you to make a cappuccino with no milk at all?”

(The male customer avoided me for the rest of the evening out of embarrassment, but the woman gave me a nice tip!)

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