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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    Best Put That Topic To Bed

    | Nottinghamshire, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I work in the bedroom department. My job is to approach passers-by and ask about what they’re looking for. A couple I ask takes an interest in a headboard.)

    Husband: “That’s no good for us, sweetie.”

    Wife: “Why not?”

    Husband: “Well…” *looks at me directly* “…there’s nowhere to put the handcuffs!”

    (I worked in Ann Summers for a year, and whilst I was unemployed did paid reviews on BDSM and other such toys.)

    Me: *smiling sweetly* “To be honest, the under-bed cuffing systems work so much better, especially the German makes. Plus they’re a lot more discreet. But if you’re infrequent users you may want to try bondage tape, it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, and it doesn’t like any visible marks or pulls on hair.”

    Husband: *turns red*

    Wife: *to her husband* “You had that coming.”

    Marriage Has Grey Areas

    | London, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m at a bookstore, witnessing an exchange taking place between an employee and a middle-aged male customer.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where your copies of 50 Shades of Grey are?”

    Employee: “Sure, they’re over there.”

    (The customer walks over to the indicated shelf and picks up a copy.)

    Customer: “Right, anniversary present… sorted!”

    Pop-Corntempt

    | WA, USA | Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

    (I have recently broken my foot, and the pain and brace I wear under my shoe causes a pronounced limp. I’m working in concessions on a slow day when an elderly couple approaches to order. Our kettle is popping corn directly behind me, so it’s difficult to hear.)

    Me: “Hello, how are you doing today?”

    Male Customer: *mumbles inaudibly*

    Me: “What can I get started for you?”

    Female Customer: “He just ordered a small popcorn.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, of course. Buttery topping?”

    Male Customer: *mumbles inaudibly*

    Me: “Sorry? Could you repeat that?”

    Female Customer: “He said butter!”

    Me: “Ah, thank you. Would you like anything to drink with that?”

    Female Customer: “Teenagers! You never listen to a word anyone says! He already ordered a small coke!”

    (I’m 24, but I brush off the comment about my age as it’s a common mistake.)

    Me: “I apologize, it’s difficult for me to hear for the corn popping.”

    (I proceed to collect the ordered items, limping as usual. I overhear the woman mumbling, but think little of it.)

    Me: “Here you are, can I get any candy or anything else for you?”

    Female Customer: “If you’re done shuffling about so lazily, I’d like you to ring me up.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I broke my foot recently. I was moving as fast as I could under the circumstances.”

    Female Customer: “Right, uh huh. Whatever excuse you need. Lazy teenagers.”

    (I complete the transaction, and go about various tasks as soon as they leave, trying to hide my obvious annoyance. After a few minutes, the man returns and leans way over the counter with a serious frown. I nervously shuffle over.)

    Me: “Welcome back, how can I help you?”

    Male Customer: “I just wanted to apologize about my hag of an old wife. She’s got some sort of stick crammed up there, and it sure ain’t mine!”

    The Downers Of Up-Selling

    | Canada | Money, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (At the ferry terminal where I work, we have a discount card. When loaded with money, it will give you a substantial discount when customers use it to pay for a ticket.  I don’t usually mention it because all the local commuters know about it, but when they are paying for 4 or more people at a time, it is actually cheaper to buy the card than to pay the usual price.)

    Me: “Hello! How many of you are traveling today?”

    Customer: “Five of us and the car.”

    Me: Great! Hey, would you like to save some money today? We have this card and—”

    Customer: ”No! No card! Don’t sell me anything!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. But if you load $95 on this card, it’s actually cheaper than the $120 dollars I will be charging you normally. You see it’s a discount card and-”

    Customer: “No! I said no! Don’t you people listen? Always trying to sell me crap. Just give me a ticket!”

    Me: “Okay then. That will be $120 instead of the $95 for a ticket. No problem.”

    Customer’s Wife: “What?!” *smacks husband’s arm and glares* “Will you listen to her?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “Oh… uh… wait. Maybe we will take that card thing.”

    Me: “Right away, sir…” 

    Being Ageless Gets Old

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Spouses & Partners, Top, Underaged

    (A customer comes to my till with a video game. This particular game is for ages 17 and up, but the customer looks no older than 14 or 15.)

    Me: “Sir, this game is rated M. Are you over 17 years of age?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Alright, hang on. I’ll be back in a minute.”

    (The customer leaves the store. Later, he comes back with an older woman, who I assume is his mother.)

    Woman: “Honey, which game is it that you wanted?”

    Customer: “This one.”

    (The customer comes back to my till once more, holding the game he was trying to purchase, with the older woman in tow.)

    Me: “Ma’am, just so you know, this game is rated M, so it’s normally meant for people ages 17 and up.”

    Woman: “Oh, that won’t be a problem.”

    Me: “Just to double-check with you, ma’am, this game’s contents can be pretty violent, so it may not be appropriate for your son.”

    Woman: *chuckles* “Oh, he’s not my son.”

    Me: “I apologize. But once again, it might not be appropriate for your…nephew? Little brother? Cousin?”

    Woman: “He’s none of those, silly! He’s my husband!”

    Me: “Whaaaaaaaa?”

    (The customer then pulls out his driver’s license, which I carefully examine. According to his date of birth, he’s 33 years old.)

    Me: “Okay, so you had ID. Why didn’t you just show me that?”

    Customer: “Look at how short and baby-faced I am! If I showed you my ID from the beginning, you would probably think it was fake!”

    Me: “Fair enough, you got me there. I mean no disrespect by this, but I did think you were about 14.”

    Customer: “Yeah, looking like this is both a blessing and a curse. I even quit drinking because it’s too much of a hassle to buy beer!”

    (The customer pays for his game and leaves, while his wife is tries to stifle her laughter.)

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