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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    His Wife Will Have Hell Toupee

    | IN, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (I work in the vault room, handling the deposits that local businesses put in the drop box throughout the night. One morning, before I even have a chance to open the night drop, my phone rings. It is an internal number that only bank employees can dial. I answer, and on the other end is one of the operators from the 24-hour call center.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Operator: “Yes, this is [Name] in the call center. I have a customer on the line that insisted I transfer him to you immediately. I tried to explain that your branch doesn’t open for another hour, but he insisted it was an emergency. Do you want to take the call, or should I have him call back?”

    Me: “No, don’t have him call back. I’m here, so I’ll take it.”

    Operator: “Thank you. I’ll put him through.”

    (After I hear the tell-tale ‘click’ of the operator putting the customer on the line, I continue.)

    Me: “Sir, thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. The call center operator said you had an emergency. How can I help you this morning?”

    Caller: “I need my hair back!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Oh, for crying out loud! Fine. I need my hair back, please!”

    Me: “No, sir, I wasn’t asking you to say please. I was making sure I heard you correctly. Did you say you need your hair back?”

    Caller: “Yes, I did! I need my hair back, and I KNOW you have it!”

    Me: “Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

    Caller: “My hair! Give me my hair back!”

    Me: “Please, calm down. Can you explain to me what you mean?”

    Caller: “My d*** wife. She ripped my hair off and now you have it. I want it back, and I want it back NOW! I’m right outside your bank, and I need my hair back!”

    (I look at my monitor, which displays a cycling image of all of the security cameras since the vault room has no windows. Sure enough, I see a man in our parking lot pacing back and forth in front of our door with a baseball cap on. I glance at my watch. It is only 7 am, and there are only two employees here. The rest of the employees won’t be in for half an hour and the lobby will not open until 8 am.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. I see you outside, but I am afraid that we do not open for another hour. On top of that, I still don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Caller: “For crying out loud! Are you stupid?! That b**** took my hair and I want it back!”

    Me: “Sir, please do not insult me or use that kind of language. I’d be happy to help you if you could just calm down and explain yourself.”

    Caller: *takes a deep breath and answers more calmly* “Okay. Last night, my wife and I were dropping off the deposit for my business. She was screaming at me in the car, accusing me of cheating on her, all because I hired a teenage girl to work the front counter of our store. She was mad and screaming at me the whole time. My wife dropped the deposit in the box. Then she yelled ‘let’s see if your new girlfriend likes you bald!’, ripped my toupee off my head, and put it in your drop box. I am leaving her today, but I need my hair back. Please, can I have my hair back?”

    Me: *feeling sorry for the guy* “Okay, sir, I understand. I haven’t opened the night drop yet, and I can’t until another employee gets here in about half an hour. When she does, I will open the night drop and look for your hair. There is a [donut shop] across the street. Maybe you could go get some coffee, maybe some breakfast, and I could call you back when I get the night drop open?”

    Caller: *noticeably calmer* “That would be fine. Thank you! I really need my hair! I’ve had it with that shrew. Every time she sees me even say hello to a younger woman she screams that I must be cheating on her and she does something to my toupee. This is the fourth one she’s tried to destroy or get rid of!”

    Me: “I understand, sir. I will call you back as soon as I can.”

    (The caller gives me his cell phone number, and I watch on the security monitor as he gets in his car and drives off. Half an hour later my coworker arrives and I relate the entire story to her as we open the night drop, which requires two people to do. As I expected, on top of the other deposit bags is a toupee, adhesive still attached to the underside of it. I call the customer back, tell him I have his hair, and tell him that if he comes to the front door I will give it back to him. When he gets back to the bank, he is carrying three large boxes of donuts.)

    Caller: “Here, these donuts are for you. You have been so nice to me, even after I yelled at you. I am sorry for that. I was taking out the anger I have toward my vicious harpy of a wife on you, and that was wrong. Please, share these with your coworkers.”

    Me: “Oh! Well, thank you, sir!”

    (We exchanged packages. I took the donuts, he took his hair, and we parted ways. Less than a week later I did discovered that he had closed his joint accounts, opened up sole accounts in just his name, and that his address was now different than his wife’s. Guess you shouldn’t mess with a man’s toupee!)

    Should Stop Giving Herself A Good Dressing Down

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Spouses & Partners

    (Being a big military town, it is fairly common to have women come into our bridal store to shop for military events like the yearly ball. A customer comes in with her husband.)

    Customer: “I just had a baby and my body hasn’t quite bounced back yet.”

    Husband: *rolls eyes* “Hun, you look great. Really. Please stop saying that.”

    Customer: *ignoring husband* “But it is the annual ball, so I need to look nice. I was thinking of something in black, since black is slimming, but I’m not sure of my size at this point because of the baby.”

    Me: “I would be happy to measure you but you look to be about a size 10. What did you have in mind for style?”

    Customer: “Probably something very simple.”

    (The customer walks through the non-bridal section with me to look over the styles and proceeds to pick every dress with NO shape she finds.)

    Me: “Are you sure you don’t want to try on something with a little more shape to it? You have a better figure than you let on.”

    Husband: “Yes. PLEASE!”

    Customer: “No. These are fine. I mean, I really need to work out and flatten this pooch down.” *grabs stomach*

    (The customer has literally grimaced at everything she has tried on, not liking anything. Her husband has tried desperately to explain how beautiful she is, while fidgeting in an armchair next to the fitting area.)

    Me: *sigh* “Okay. Let me see what else we have.”

    Customer: “Thanks. I know there’s only so much you can do.”

    Me: *coming up with a plan* “Oh! We just got this dress in a couple days ago and I haven’t gotten to see it on anyone. Would you mind so much just trying it on and humoring me?”

    (The dress is a mermaid cut halter dress, VERY Marilyn Monroe but floor length. Perfect for a woman with real curves.)

    Customer: “Ooh, um, sure.”

    (The customer smiles awkwardly, clearly not wanting to be rude and say ‘no.’ As she goes into the fitting room I look at her husband, wink, and smile. The customer walks out of the fitting room looking drop-dead 50s-goddess gorgeous.)

    Customer: “I don’t kn—”

    Husband: *knocks over chair jumping up* “THIS ONE! WE’LL TAKE THIS ONE!” *under his breath* “…and after the ball we can make a sibling for the baby.”

    It’s Beginning To Smell A Lot Like Christmas

    | USA | Bizarre, Holidays, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s three days before Christmas. A teenage girl is dragging her boyfriend around the store making him smell everything. She’s obviously stressed out by last minute holiday shopping.)

    Girl: “Um… I need… um… Here! Smell this. Is is good for [Name]?”

    Boyfriend: “Babe, I’m not picking out what your friends smell like. They’re all minors. That’s creepy.”

    Girl: “Please? Most of them are 18 now.”

    Boyfriend: *sighs and sniffs* “Smells great.”

    Girl: “Okay. And now, for my sister. This one?”

    Boyfriend: “Come on, hun. Just pick out whatever and let’s get you something to eat.”

    Girl: “I have to smell these people!”

    Boyfriend: “You do this every year, babe. Why didn’t you start shopping two weeks ago?”

    Girl: “Because I’m a procrastinator! It took me two years to realize you liked me!”

    (The boyfriend looks a little intimidated so I step in and help the girl pick out gifts for the other six people on her list. They leave, the girl still stressing over other presents.)

    Me: “Thank you for coming!”

    Girl: “You too! Wait… Shoot. I mean happy holidays?”

    Boyfriend: “Sorry. We’re going to go get her some sugar now.”

    (The boyfriend comes back the next day to pick out a gift for his girlfriend and specifically requests me. I get a $20 tip and the humorous details of the rest of his shopping experience from the previous day!)

    He’s Furbious

    | Glasgow, Scotland, UK | Holidays, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month, Wild & Unruly

    (I am working the register in the store where we sell electronics including toys, like Furbies, robot dogs, etc. A scruffy-looking customer comes in, followed moments later by twenty-something woman and her boyfriend. The couple begin looking at tablets, when the woman spots our Furbies.)

    Woman: “Oh look, Furbies. They’re so cute! These must be new ones. They have digital eyes! They’re smaller than mine, too. Hey, Furby!”

    (She starts to have a silly conversation with the Furby. Her genuine excitement is pretty adorable. I exchange an appreciative smile with her boyfriend as she chatters away. Suddenly, the scruffy customer storms over to them and grabs the Furby, throwing it hard to the ground. I come running.)

    Boyfriend: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

    Me: “Excuse me. If that Furby is broken, I’ll need you to pay for the damage. Now, please back off.”

    Scruffy Customer: *aiming abuse at the woman* “F*** the lot of you! She was doing my head in. The stupid little b**** is acting like a kid. Are you special?! Did you get out early from your special school, *****? People like you f*** off! I f****** hate people like you when I’m trying to f****** buy stuff!”

    (The woman is clearly speechless and her eyes are watering. Her boyfriend is livid and yells at the guy. I quickly pick up the Furby to check it’s not broken. The guy starts flailing his arms and tells the boyfriend that he’s going to ‘do him in.’)

    Me: “Get out now, mate. You’ve threatened violence to my customers, and us three are witnesses. I’ll call the police right now. Leave.”

    Scruffy Customer: “Aye. Well, **** you too you, cow. Both you f***s!”

    (The boyfriend suddenly grabs the scruffy customer by the collar and turfs him out of the shop. The scruffy customer clearly gets a fright at the boyfriend’s strength and runs for it, cursing all the way down the street.)

    Me: “I’m so sorry about that guy. What a moron. Are you guys okay?”

    (The woman nods, crying a little, and her boyfriend cuddles her.)

    Boyfriend: “I couldn’t take any more of that. She has Asperger’s, and sometimes can seem a bit childish to people who don’t know her. Thanks for trying to help.”

    Me: “Ah. No problem. I hate seeing anyone get hassled by an idiot like him. Hey, I’m going to log this Furby as being smashed by a customer. I’d have to bin it, so you can just take it if you want.”

    Woman: “Oh, no. That’s okay. I don’t want you to get in trouble. There are security cameras in here and you could get into bother for being seen doing that.”

    Me: “Nah. My boss is more like a mate. He’d understand if it came up. Trust me. Here. It sounds like you struck a bond with it, anyway!”

    (We all laugh and chat for a little while longer before they leave with their new Furby. Two days later I came in to work to find a Christmas card had been left for me, by them, as well as a £15 gift card with a note saying my lunch was on them for being so nice!)

    It’s All Downhill From Here

    | Helsinki, Finland | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m a customer buying ski boots at a store, when I over hear a conversation between another customer and a clerk.)

    Customer: “Yes, I bought these ski boots a week ago, but they are faulty!”

    Clerk: “I’m sorry about that, what seems to be the problem with them?”

    Customer: “These locks won’t hold; they keep opening up!”

    Clerk: “Would you let me see the boots, please?”

    (The customer hands to the boots to the clerk, and he fastens the locks and can’t find anything wrong with them.)

    Clerk: “I’m sorry, miss; the locks seem to work all fine. Could you explain more how they won’t hold?”

    Customer: “Well of course they hold when you put them so tight to third position! Put them to first position and you’ll see! They won’t hold locked!”

    Clerk: “But wouldn’t the ski boots be too loose for you to wear then?”

    Customer: “Just put the locks to the first position and you’ll see!”

    (The clerk puts the locks to the first position, and they do ‘fall off’.)

    Customer: “See, these are faulty!”

    Clerk: “But miss, these locks are used to fasten the boot around your foot. They are supposed to be put tight and not left loose.”

    Customer: “But if I want to wear them on the first position, I should be able to do that! Why is there the first position anyway, if I can’t use it, huh? You tell me why? I won’t get full usage for my money if I can’t use all the positions!”

    Clerk: “Every person has a little bit different sized feet and that’s why the locks are adjustable. The point is not to use all the positions of the lock but to adjust the ski boot to match your feet.”

    Customer: “But what if I want to use the first position? Now I can’t; these boots are faulty!”

    Clerk: “I can take these back if you wish, but I have to tell you that you will have the exact same problem with every other ski boot, too. The idea is to find the adjustment good for your feet, not to use all the positions.”

    Customer: “I want to return these, they’re faulty! You should be ashamed of yourselves selling this kind of faulty items!”

    (I can’t help giggling, and the other customer gives me some nasty glances. The customer then takes a call, I presume from her boyfriend/husband.)

    Customer: “They’re taking the boots back, but are you sure this is right? The other customers are laughing at me… Of course hun… Yeah I know, they probably don’t know anything about skiing. I’m glad the fault was found this quickly. I can’t believe they would sell something like this. Okay, I gotta go; the clerk’s coming back.”

    Clerk: “Here’s your money miss. And I’m sorry you weren’t satisfied with the product.”

    Customer: “Well, you should be. But thanks, anyway. I’ll go buy my boots somewhere else!”

    (The customer then turns and leaves. The clerk and I have a laugh at the story. I reserve the boots until next day for myself. They are really good, but I still want to try some other boots, too. I go to another sporting store and I see the same customer in there. She is giving them a hard time about the lock positions. She accuses the clerk of being incompetent, and that her boyfriend knows everything about skiing, and that she should be able to use which ever position she wants on the locks.)

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