Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

Marrying Together Archaic Ideas

| Australia | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

(I have a long-time repeat client, old but quite nice. As I am finishing up going through the paperwork and vouchers for his identical biannual holiday with his wife, I inform him I won’t be able to assist with his next trip as I’d be on maternity leave but I’ll pass his file over to my manager and she’ll be quite happy to assist.)

Client: *blank look* “But you’re not… married.”

Me: “Well… no…?”

Client: “How can you be going on maternity leave, then?”

Me: “Because I’m having a baby?”

Client: But you’re not MARRIED?!”

Me: “Uh, I know, but I appear to be pregnant and as I am having a child I need maternity leave…”

Client: “BUT. YOU’RE. NOT. MARRIED. How can you be PREGNANT?”

(Every week for the next seven months he came into my office, sat in front of me, and implored me to go and get married, to anyone – maybe that man over there? – because I needed to be married to have a child. Well, I have a child and I’m still not married. Occasionally he goes back into my old store and asks if I’m married yet.)

A War Veteran Ally

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Military, Spouses & Partners

(We have a regular customer who is a WW II veteran, at least 90-years-old, and lives alone. He prides himself on being cantankerous. I always make an effort to be nice to him so that he’ll have no excuse for throwing his food on the belt, insulting us, etc. I’m a young woman, and I wear a LGBT-rainbow bracelet to work.)

Me: *while ringing up items* “Good morning, sir. How are you today?”

Customer: “You’re nice to me. Most people aren’t, you know.”

Me: “Well, you served our country. That seems a pretty good reason to be nice to you. Alrighty, sir, your total today is $13.95.”

Customer: “Good. I’ve got enough left over to take you out to lunch.”

Me: “You’ll have to check with my girlfriend on that.”

Customer: *as he pulls out money* “Are you lookin’? Don’t look!”

(This is a regular thing with him. I just smile and look away, holding out my hand for the money. My bracelet is in plain sight.)

Customer: “I don’t like a suspicious woman!”

Me: *deliberately, but lightly* “Neither does my girlfriend. Good thing I’ve been faithful to her the whole two years we’ve been together.”

(Customer finishes handing me the money.  I ring him up, then give him the change and the receipt. My bagger is stifling laughter.)

Customer: “You know I’m only gonna get worse if you let me.”

Me: “I’ll let my girlfriend know, but I think you’re pretty harmless.”

Customer: “And I think you’re pretty, especially when you smile.”

Me: “Thank you. I’ll have to tell my girlfriend that! You have a good day, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!” *grins and scooters off*

Bagger: “I don’t think he gets it.”

Me: “He treated me exactly the same as he would if I’d mentioned a boyfriend. Who knows, maybe he’s an LGBT ally!”

Not Skirting Around The Issue

| Lake George, NY, USA | Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Spouses & Partners

(An older customer, maybe in his 50s, walks in to my female clothing store.)

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “Don’t worry. I’m not a cross-dresser or anything. I’m just looking for my wife”

(He says the first half in a very derogatory tone of voice.)

Me: *smiles sweetly* “Well, if it’s any consolation, I think you’d look great in a skirt!”

(The customer glares at me and leaves!)

The Sad (Pro)State Of Service

| Adelaide, Australia | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

(I work as a waitress in a small and very busy beach side cafe which attracts a somewhat pretentious crowd.)

New Colleague: “I’m not sure what that man at table one wanted. He was mumbling a lot.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll ask.”

Customer: “Oi, you! Can I get the bill?!” *does ticking bill sign in air*

Me: “When you’re ready, sir, just come to the front and we can sort it out up there.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that but I want the bill here.”

Me: *grits teeth* “… Sure.”

(I bring the customer his bill. The customer’s wife waves me aside as her husband exits with a weird waddle in his step.)

Wife: “Don’t worry, dear. No man is pleasant to be around after a prostate exam.”

Comic: A Heady Proposition

| Pennsylvnia, USA | Comics, Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners, Top

Page 5/20First...34567...Last