Category: Spouses & Partners

Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

A War Veteran Ally

| PA, USA | At The Checkout, Military, Spouses & Partners

(We have a regular customer who is a WW II veteran, at least 90-years-old, and lives alone. He prides himself on being cantankerous. I always make an effort to be nice to him so that he’ll have no excuse for throwing his food on the belt, insulting us, etc. I’m a young woman, and I wear a LGBT-rainbow bracelet to work.)

Me: *while ringing up items* “Good morning, sir. How are you today?”

Customer: “You’re nice to me. Most people aren’t, you know.”

Me: “Well, you served our country. That seems a pretty good reason to be nice to you. Alrighty, sir, your total today is $13.95.”

Customer: “Good. I’ve got enough left over to take you out to lunch.”

Me: “You’ll have to check with my girlfriend on that.”

Customer: *as he pulls out money* “Are you lookin’? Don’t look!”

(This is a regular thing with him. I just smile and look away, holding out my hand for the money. My bracelet is in plain sight.)

Customer: “I don’t like a suspicious woman!”

Me: *deliberately, but lightly* “Neither does my girlfriend. Good thing I’ve been faithful to her the whole two years we’ve been together.”

(Customer finishes handing me the money.  I ring him up, then give him the change and the receipt. My bagger is stifling laughter.)

Customer: “You know I’m only gonna get worse if you let me.”

Me: “I’ll let my girlfriend know, but I think you’re pretty harmless.”

Customer: “And I think you’re pretty, especially when you smile.”

Me: “Thank you. I’ll have to tell my girlfriend that! You have a good day, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!” *grins and scooters off*

Bagger: “I don’t think he gets it.”

Me: “He treated me exactly the same as he would if I’d mentioned a boyfriend. Who knows, maybe he’s an LGBT ally!”

Not Skirting Around The Issue

| Lake George, NY, USA | Awesome Workers, Bigotry, Spouses & Partners

(An older customer, maybe in his 50s, walks in to my female clothing store.)

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “Don’t worry. I’m not a cross-dresser or anything. I’m just looking for my wife”

(He says the first half in a very derogatory tone of voice.)

Me: *smiles sweetly* “Well, if it’s any consolation, I think you’d look great in a skirt!”

(The customer glares at me and leaves!)

The Sad (Pro)State Of Service

| Adelaide, Australia | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

(I work as a waitress in a small and very busy beach side cafe which attracts a somewhat pretentious crowd.)

New Colleague: “I’m not sure what that man at table one wanted. He was mumbling a lot.”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll ask.”

Customer: “Oi, you! Can I get the bill?!” *does ticking bill sign in air*

Me: “When you’re ready, sir, just come to the front and we can sort it out up there.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know that but I want the bill here.”

Me: *grits teeth* “… Sure.”

(I bring the customer his bill. The customer’s wife waves me aside as her husband exits with a weird waddle in his step.)

Wife: “Don’t worry, dear. No man is pleasant to be around after a prostate exam.”

Comic: A Heady Proposition

| Pennsylvnia, USA | Comics, Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners, Top

Timeshare Beware

| HI, USA | Bad Behavior, Spouses & Partners, Tourists/Travel

(My wife and I are forced to sit in a timeshare presentation as part of our reduced cost stay at a resort. We had already decided it would be crazy for us to buy a timeshare as we have not yet even bought our own house.)

Salesman: “So, can you tell us your personal priorities?”

(My wife, who is an Ivy-League educated lawyer who works in not-for-profit human rights law, speaks up.)

My Wife: “Money… Power! RESPECT!”

(The salesman looks surprised while I turn to my wife:)

Me: “Well, I guess I didn’t know we had such different priorities… for me it i about the little things… blunts, bling, and b****es!”

(They really hated us.)

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