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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    They Have Incompatible Operating Systems

    | England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I own a small computer store that specializes in repairs and does a large number of home and work visits to repair machines on site. I am a gay man. My partner is an employee, and we often go on call-outs together. This particular call-out is to a young woman’s home. She seems quite pleasant.)

    Me: “This seems straight forward enough, but it will take some time to complete. [Partner] will head back to the shop to get some parts whilst I work on that, if that’s all right?”

    Customer: “That’s fine, thanks.”

    (I continue working on the machine whilst my partner heads back. Whilst he’s gone the customer heads out of the room for a moment and comes back without her sweater on, and only the shirt beneath it. I don’t think anything of it.)

    Customer: “Can I get you a cup of tea or some biscuits?”

    Me: “That’d be great. Two sugars, thanks very much.”

    (She leaves for a couple of minutes and comes back with some tea and biscuits, now wearing only a tank top instead of the shirt. I’m getting a little suspicious.)

    Customer: “There you go. You don’t mind me watching you work, right?”

    Me: “Of course not. I prefer to have the owners with me. It avoids me getting accused of anything.”

    Customer: “Ah, you don’t have to worry about that, hun.”

    (She sits a little close for comfort whilst I work. I don’t say anything, but I can guess what’s going on here. A few more minutes pass before the phone rings and she leaves the room to answer it. Shortly, she returns wearing only a bra on her top half. I’m speechless.)

    Customer: “That was my husband. He said he won’t be home for some time, I’m afraid.”

    (Seconds later my partner walks in through the front door and straight into the room I’m working in and is also stood there speechless.)

    Me: “Uhh… Hey, love, did you get the parts?”

    (Even though he’s holding them, I want her to see I’m gay. He nods.)

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re gay?”

    (Silence for a moment.)

    Customer: “Even better.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we have to go now.”

    (I and my partner practically run out the door, leaving the computer case open but functional.)

    Love Of Turquoise Makes Everyone Else Red

    | Australia | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in a fairly busy dive shop that sells a large range of snorkeling equipment as well. A couple comes in. She is about 6’0” tall, in a short and incredibly tight turquoise dress that doesn’t flatter her figure at all, wearing a turquoise necklace and very heavy turquoise make up. He is about 5’5″, bald, and very shy.)

    Woman: “Hi. I am looking for a snorkel set, but it HAS to be turquoise. It is my FAVOURITE colour!”

    Me: “Of course, not a problem. If you just turn around you’ll see our snorkel sets on the wall.”

    (I proceed to talk them through the different options, but she is very focused on the only turquoise one, which barely fits her.)

    Woman: “Ooooh, [Man], do you think I look pretty in this?! Of course you do. Should I kiss you now or in the car?”

    (At that, she throws herself at him, making them both fight for balance. His face gets deep red and he mumbles something incomprehensible, all the while she is basically licking his face. I decide to go back to the counter and give them some privacy.)

    Woman: *coming up to the counter* “Hooo-hooo! We are taking this set! It is so beautiful and my sexy stud here is buying it for me. Isn’t he CUTE!?”

    (I start ringing it up.)

    Woman: “Oh, is that a Scorpio necklace? Are you a Scorpio?”

    Me: “No, my boyfriend is. It is his necklace, but I like wearing it.”

    Woman: *pointing at the man* “Ooh, he is a Scorpio, too!” *leaning towards me* “Does your boyfriend have the same… STING in his, ahem, TAIL, as he does?” *giggles*

    (I am speechless, and the man looks like he wants to die.)

    Woman: *nudging the man* “Don’t deny it. You are such a wild one between the sheets!”

    (The man pays, grabs the set, sort of nods at me without making eye contact, and leaves.)

    Woman: “Don’t worry. I am gonna be grateful tonight!”

    (They leave.)

    Coworker: *staring at me wide eyed* “What the…?”

    Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 7

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (I am visiting my boyfriend while he is working temporarily at a gas station. Note: We look nothing alike. He has very dark features where as I am of Irish descent, and look it. An elderly gentleman walks in.)

    Customer: “Would you look at those eyes!” *gets very close to my face and grabs my head* “Those are the greenest eyes I have ever seen! Like emeralds!”

    Me: *very uncomfortable* “Um… thank you, sir.”

    Customer: “You are just gorgeous!”

    (He continues gushing about my eyes until he turns to my boyfriend.)

    Customer: “And you have that dark thick hair! You two are a good match. You will make the most beautiful babies!”

    Boyfriend: “Umm… okay. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “I’m serious! GORGEOUS babies will come out of you two.”

    (With both of us very uncomfortable, he finally stops and tells my boyfriend what he needs. Relieved, he gets him the items and we both hope he leaves soon. But, he continues to make conversation.)

    Customer: “So. You two are brother and sister? That’s nice.”

    (We were both speechless after that.)

    Related:
    Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 6
    From NotAlwaysRelated.com
    Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 5
    From NotAlwaysRomantic.com
    Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 4
    Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 3
    Putting The Relation Into Relationship, Part 2

    Creepiness Just Hit The Motherlode

    | DC, USA | Family & Kids, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (I have just finished helping a customer complete a change to his wireless plan.)

    Customer: “Wow, thank you, [My Name]. You have a nice voice, you know that? How old are you?”

    Me: “Well… I’m 26, sir.”

    Customer: “Hoo wow, that’s way too young. Is your mom married?”

    Me: *kind of chuckling nervously* “Yes. Yes, she is.”

    Customer: “… Happily?”

    Me: “…”

    Beware Of The Sweet Disposition

    | MN, USA | Bizarre, Movies & TV, Spouses & Partners

    (It’s a slow day. My coworker and I are standing at the register waiting to see if we’re having another no-show. A friendly young couple walks in and asks for two tickets to a show. Then, the girlfriend chimes in.)

    Girlfriend: “Hey, so, I see those three movies there…”

    (She points to the three poster frames in the lobby showcasing what movies we have.)

    Girlfriend: “So where do you keep the things for those?”

    Me: “Um, do you mean where do we keep the posters?”

    (The girlfriend begins shouting slowly as if I didn’t hear her.)

    Girlfriend: “THE THING FOR THE MOVIES! WHERE DO YOU KEEP IT?”

    Me: “… I, I still don’t understand. Do you mean the…”

    Girlfriend: “YOU HAVE THE THREE MOVIES IN THE SIGNS! WHERE—”

    (The boyfriend quietly slides behind her and reached his hand around to her mouth. He drops what looked like a caramel block into her mouth. As soon as he did, she immediately mellowed out and they both quietly walked out of the theater.)

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