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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    Wifitis

    | Overland Park, KS, USA | Extra Stupid, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I work at a busy computer and electronics store. A customer approaches me in the printer section.)

    Customer: “I’d like to buy a wifi disabled printer.”

    Me: “Ah, do you mean a wifi enabled printer?”

    Customer: “No. I want to buy a printer but it can’t have wifi.”

    (I acquiesce and spend some time showing her a few different lines, explaining what each can do. None of them are satisfactory, since any modern consumer-level printer with decent features has built in wifi. Sensing her frustration, I show her a newer model. She’s pretty much sold but I tell her wifi is built in but that she can disable it if she’s worried about security.)

    Customer: “No no. It’s not about security. It doesn’t matter if it can be disabled. We can’t risk having wifi in the printer at all.”

    Me: “Not to pry, but why is it so important that the printer doesn’t have built-in wifi?”

    Customer: “My husband is very sensitive to wireless electronic signals. He gets extreme headaches when exposed to them even for a short period of time. That’s why he’s standing over there.” *points to a smiling man standing about twenty feet away*

    Me: *sarcastically* “Oh, no!”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “You might want to inform your husband that he’s been standing under the store’s main wireless access point for the past 20 minutes, being blasted with wifi signals 50 times stronger than any of these printers.”

    (She ran to her husband, said something, and pointed up to the access point on the ceiling. I tried not to have a smug look on my face as the man suddenly feigned illness and they left abruptly.)

    Thinks They’re Trying To Pull The Wool Over Your Eyes

    | Ireland | Crazy Requests, Spouses & Partners

    (I work in a wool mill. I’m almost finished for the day, and tired from lifting and weighing yarn, weaving, and answering phones, when a married couple come into the store at the front of the mill. The husband keeps interrupting me.)

    Husband: “So, all of these scarves are obviously wool.”

    Me: “Nope. We use some wool, but we use a lot of cotton, linen, sil—”

    Husband: “Uh-huh. And it’s all Irish wool, of course.”

    Me: “No, we don’t actually use Irish wool because it’s not great for wearing. Irish sheep have short, wiry wool that is too—”

    Husband: “And why not? You have loads of sheep out there! I’ve seen them!”

    Me: “I know our sheep look lovely out there in the field, but their wool mostly goes into carpets and—”

    Husband: “Carpets! Where do you get your wool then?”

    (At this point, I’m getting a little overwhelmed, and his wife can see that.)

    Wife: “[Husband], let the girl finish; she’s trying to answer you. If you’re going to ask a question, wait for the answer.”

    (The husband then shuts up and lets me finish my sentence.)

    Me: “A lot of our wool comes from Italy and Japan. Warm climates have better wool, but we don’t just use wool from regular old sheep. We have alpaca and camel too, and we’re thinking of using yak next year.”

    Wife: “Fascinating! Thank you so much. What’s your name?”

    Me: “Oh, my name is [My Name].”

    Wife: “I’m so sorry. My husband can get a bit excited when it comes to new things. He thinks he already knows everything about it. Don’t let him get to you. We’ll take these please!”

    (She held up six scarves and I folded and bagged them. The husband pouted in the corner. Probably not the first time he’d been told off by his wife!)

    Someone Will Scream For The Wrong Ice Cream

    | London, England, UK | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (A customer comes in, looking a little tired. I’m stacking shelves.)

    Customer: “Hi, I need some vanilla Häagen-Dazs. Where are your freezers?”

    Me: “They’re over here, but I’m afraid I think we’re out of Häagen-Dazs. We have our own brand vanilla.”

    (He gives me a look like he’s going to cry.)

    Customer: “I’m really sorry. It has to be Häagen-Dazs. It has to be vanilla.” *voice cracking* “Do you know where I could get some?”

    (I promised to go and check the store room as he genuinely looked like he was about to burst into tears and I thought maybe he wasn’t very well. Luckily, we had a couple left that hadn’t been brought out. I brought it back and handed it to him. He looks at it like it’s magical, breathes a huge sigh of relief, and heads to the check out. He picks up a mini chocolate cake on the way and I see him talk to my colleague behind the counter. After he’s gone, she comes over to me and hands me the cake.)

    Coworker: “That guy just said this is for you. He said he’s going home to his eight-month pregnant monster wife and because of you he’s not going to be murdered tonight.”

    Concept Of Unlimited Is Limited

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

    (A couple come into the Italian restaurant where I work. I seat them and hand them menus. After a moment, the man waves me over.)

    Me: “Hi there. How can I help you today?”

    Husband: “I don’t see unlimited salad or breadsticks on your menu.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a different restaurant. If you order the garlic bread, though, it comes with a lot of pieces! And our salads are very large.”

    Husband: *to his wife* “I thought you said this place was just like Olive Garden.”

    Wife: “I said it was Italian food like Olive Garden, sweetie. The menu’s not the same.”

    Husband: *looking disappointed* “What’s chicken scallop pine?”

    (I explain a few menu items, all of which he pronounces wrong, and they order. The woman kept giving me apologetic looks the whole time. Later, when I brought their food, the man was in the bathroom.)

    Wife: “Sorry for the problems earlier. He’s not that bright, but he’s so good at other things, if you know what I mean.”

    (I told her it was no problem, but I’m sure I was as red as our marinara sauce. It was really awkward serving them the rest of the meal, but she left a $20 tip.)

    Marrying Together Archaic Ideas

    | Australia | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (I have a long-time repeat client, old but quite nice. As I am finishing up going through the paperwork and vouchers for his identical biannual holiday with his wife, I inform him I won’t be able to assist with his next trip as I’d be on maternity leave but I’ll pass his file over to my manager and she’ll be quite happy to assist.)

    Client: *blank look* “But you’re not… married.”

    Me: “Well… no…?”

    Client: “How can you be going on maternity leave, then?”

    Me: “Because I’m having a baby?”

    Client: But you’re not MARRIED?!”

    Me: “Uh, I know, but I appear to be pregnant and as I am having a child I need maternity leave…”

    Client: “BUT. YOU’RE. NOT. MARRIED. How can you be PREGNANT?”

    (Every week for the next seven months he came into my office, sat in front of me, and implored me to go and get married, to anyone – maybe that man over there? – because I needed to be married to have a child. Well, I have a child and I’m still not married. Occasionally he goes back into my old store and asks if I’m married yet.)

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