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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    Breaking Bread Can Break You Up

    , | Maine, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Spouses & Partners

    (A couple comes in and races up to the sandwich unit.)

    Woman: “Hi, we only need one sandwich for our kid. I’m gonna make it quick, I promise. He wants a six inch white—”

    Man: “No, he doesn’t. He wants flatbread.”

    Woman: “No, he wants white!”

    Man: “Flatbread!”

    Woman: “Shut up, I know what he wants!”

    Man: “No, you don’t! He won’t eat white bread!”

    Woman: *sighs* “Is there any way I can get the sandwich on a flatbread, but put white bread on the side? I know I’m right, and he hates flatbreads.”

    Me: “Yes, of course. It’s just costs a bit extra.”

    Woman: “Okay, so turkey and cheddar cheese.”

    Man: *shakes his head* “He likes American.”

    Woman: “No, he doesn’t!”

    Man: “Yes, he does!”

    Woman: “Shut up! You’re confusing people!”

    Me: “Would you like me to put some American on the side?”

    Woman: “No! He HATES American, so there’s no point. Besides, he wants it toasted.”

    Man: “Finally! Something right!”

    Woman: “Right, so toasted with olives and mustard, and that’s it.”

    Man: “He wants lettuce, too.”

    Woman: “Fine, s***! Put lettuce on there and when he won’t eat it. Whatever!”

    Me: “…Anything else?”

    Woman: “No. HE’S probably confusing you already.”

    Man: “YOU’RE the confusing one.”

    (I ring them up and they calm down as they get ready to leave.)

    Woman: “Thanks, sorry about that. We didn’t mean to confuse you!”

    You Just Got Schooled, Part 2

    | PA, USA | School, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I’ve just moved to a small town, where the job market is even worse than most places. I’ve taken a job waiting tables at a small diner. I’m waiting on an older man and his wife when the following exchange takes place.)

    Customer: “So, why didn’t you go to college?”

    Me: “Um, I did.”

    Customer: “Oh, didn’t make it?”

    Me: “No. I graduated five years ago.”

    Customer: “Well, I meant a real school… not like [local community college].”

    Me: “Actually, I went to [Ivy League school].”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, that’s a good school, dear!”

    Customer: “So, what are you doing here?”

    Customer’s Wife: “She’s trying to take your order. So stop being a jack*** and tell the nice girl what you’d like already!”

    Related:
    You Just Got Schooled

    Needs To Get Put In Her Place

    | PA, USA | Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I work at a hardware store in the lawn and garden area. On request, I go to help an aging couple out with some decorative rocks)

    Husband: “Thank you very much!”

    Wife: “Don’t thank him! That’s what they’re here for.”

    Me: *smiles awkwardly* “How many bags do you need?”

    Wife: “Eight.”

    Me: “Alright, let me get that for you.”

    (I begin loading the cart with the bags; each weighs around 60lbs.)

    Wife: *to her husband* “See? This is why you go to [store name]. They have people who know their place.”

    Me: *finishes loading* “Anything else?”

    Wife: “Yes, take it out to the cashier and then load it into the car.”

    Me: *takes the cart out*

    Wife: *to her husband* “See? Well behaved and responds to direct commands, like they should!”

    Me: *finishes loading their car after check out*

    (The husband looks around shiftily after his wife enters the car, and surprisingly tries to force money into my hand.)

    Husband: “I’m so sorry!”

    Conjugal Clobbering

    | Hampshire, UK | Spouses & Partners

    (I’m scanning through a customer’s purchases when a pack of socks flies onto the desk from nowhere. My customer, who is a woman, exchanges waves with who I assume is her husband.)

    Me: “He’s got a dangerous throw on him, doesn’t he?”

    Customer: *to her husband* “Hear that? She says you’re dangerous!” *to me* “You can hit him if you want.”

    Me: “Um, I’m not allowed to hit customers.”

    Customer: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell!”

    Slob Calling The Coffee Black

    | Rhode Island, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I am walking down one of our grocery store’s aisles when I overhear a couple talking.)

    Husband: “Crap, I dropped my coffee. Honey, find some paper towels.”

    Wife: “What?! No! Just leave it there. They have people walk around and clean up these things. It’s fine!”

    Husband: “Um, I—”

    Wife: “Just leave it! We have too much to do.”

    (The wife then turns and sees me. She doesn’t miss a beat.)

    Wife: “Someone just dropped this and left it. People are slobs. You should clean this up before someone gets hurt!”

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