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  • February Theme Of The Month: Hazardous Customers!
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    Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    Optional Advice

    | Toronto, ON, USA | Crazy Requests, School, Spouses & Partners

    Student: “This is an emergency! I need help NOW!”

    Me: “Did you need me to call 9-1-1, or simply directions to the nearest hospital?”

    Student: “No! I need to talk to a career counselor NOW!”

    Me: “The career advisors work on an appointment basis. How does next Tuesday work for you?”

    Student: “No! I need to talk to somebody NOW!”

    Me: “Well, I suppose I can help you. What question do you need answered?”

    Student: “I was offered two jobs and I need somebody to tell me what to do.”

    Me: “Congratulations on the two job offers. Please tell me more about each position.”

    Student: “One job is in Toronto and the other is in Windsor.”

    Me: “Well, is relocation an option?”

    Student: “I don’t want to leave Toronto.”

    Me: “Well, I believe you’ve made your decision.”

    Student: “But the job in Windsor pays $20,000 more per year.”

    Me: “Is relocation an option?”

    Student: “My wife doesn’t want to leave Toronto.”

    Me: “Is divorce an option?”

    Very Week Time-Keeping

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | At The Checkout, Spouses & Partners

    (A customer, with her husband in tow, seems to be having trouble locating the product she wants on the shelf, so I offer to help.)

    Me: “Were you looking for something in particular?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for [product].”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. That product was actually discontinued about six months ago.”

    Customer: “What? That’s impossible! I just bought one a week ago!”

    Customer’s Husband: *perfectly calm and quiet* “No, honey, it was longer ago than that.”

    Customer: “Okay, maybe a month ago, but still—”

    Customer’s Husband: *still completely calm and composed* “No, it was more than a month ago.”

    Customer: “Well, whenever it was, it was definitely less than six months ago!”

    Customer’s Husband: *still taking it all in stride* “No, six months ago sounds about right.”

    (At this point, the woman looks pretty annoyed at her husband, but I think she realizes he is correct and there is no point in fighting it.)

    Customer: “…fine. I guess I got it six months ago.”

    Has No Hang Ups About Hanging Up

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Spouses & Partners

    (In our call center, we are not allowed to hang up on customers unless they have been warned at least once, and are either using improper/suggestive language or are calling just to talk about something that is in no way relevant to our company. We are also not allowed to solicit a transfer to a supervisor. I’ve been on this call 30 minutes already:)

    Me: “Sir, I’ve already told you, we are unable to do what you are requesting. You’re typically allowed two options in these situations, and I’m bending the rules by offering you the third option.”

    Caller: “I don’t care. Give me your supervisor. They can give me what I want.”

    (Our ‘supervisors’ are people who have desired and proven their ability to be well versed in policy and have access to a few minor additional programs. I am also one, but it isn’t my assigned day to work as one. I call.)

    Supervisor: “It’s [Supervisor].”

    Me: “Hey, it’s me. Here’s what’s up.” *I explain the situation*

    Supervisor: “Send him through.”

    Caller: “Hi, I was told that if I was transferred to you, you have the ability to do what I want, and that is [nonrefundable service already purchased] refunded and for me to have a free one.”

    Supervisor: “NO, you weren’t. You were—”

    Caller: “Yes, I was and you need to give it to me, because if you don’t, that’s false advertising. You need to give me what I was promised or I—”

    Supervisor: “Sir, I’m talking and will not tolerate interruption. As I was saying, you were given an extra option that my representative bent the rules to offer. I know what you were offered because I’m sitting next to her, and she is the most lenient and patient person we have. I’m her opposite. When you were transferred you lost that option because you didn’t take it when you had the chance. Now you have three options: [standard option a], [standard option b], or hanging up and deciding later. If you don’t decide, I will pick for you.”

    Caller: “But I don’t want—”

    Supervisor: “Okay, I’m deciding for you. I am hanging up. When you decide, call back.”

    (My supervisor knows me so well because we always sit together. At work, in the car, and at home. We were hired at the same time, advanced at the same time, and got married six years ago.)

    Data Can Be Fluid

    | NJ, USA | Spouses & Partners, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at an office supply store that also sells technology. I work in the supplies department, and get a call:)

    Me: “Office supplies, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I was wondering, do you have hard drive fluid?”

    Me: “…hard drive fluid? That’s… not a thing.”

    Customer: “Yes, it is! Do you have any?!”

    Me: “Let me transfer you to the technology department. They’ll be able to assist you.”

    (I transfer him to a coworker who comes to talk to me after.)

    Coworker: “Hard drive fluid?”

    Me: “Yeah, I have no idea.”

    Coworker: “You know that was your boyfriend, right?”

    Me: “No…”

    (That was not the first, or last, time my boyfriend called to prank the store, where he previously worked, although he never tried it on me again.)

    Party Supplies In His Pants

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I am working the tablet display counter when a man walks in with his wife.)

    Customer: “So, what’s the difference between these two tablets?”

    Me: “This one has a faster processor and is better for playing video games or watching movies.”

    Customer: “Good, because I’ll need the larger screen to watch all that po-… uh, party supplies…”

    (At this, I can’t keep it together. The wife promptly collects her husband and leaves. As they’re leaving, he says…)

    Customer: “I wanted to look at party supplies, honest…”

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