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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Spouses & Partners

    Some stupid customers are married to other stupid customers. Some just drag their not-so-stupid other halves along for the ride to suffer in silence. Sometimes they don’t suffer in silence. One thing is true for all three, they’re all hilarious.

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 12

    | Kolding, Denmark | Bizarre, Spouses & Partners

    (It is shortly after the EU release of the popular video game ‘Grand Theft Auto V.’ I have just gotten off from work, and am walking through the supermarket I work at to get to the employee exit. I have just entered the beverage section of the supermarket, when suddenly a guy around the age of 18 comes crashing into one of the beverages coolers on a three-wheel kids bike.)

    Me: “Whaa-”

    (Before i get to react, he turns his head to me, still sitting on the bike, and looks at me.)

    Customer: “Yo, give me all your money, b****!”

    (I just stand completely confused, when suddenly he turns his head back down the aisle he came from.)

    Customer: “Aww, f***, they are on to me!”

    (He quickly pedals away from me on the little bike, followed by a girl I presumed to be his girlfriend running after him. She faces me shortly before running after him.)

    Customer’s Girlfriend: “I’m so sorry. He has been playing that new Grand Theft Auto game all week.”

    Customer: *a couple of aisles away* “You ain’t getting me punk!”

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 11
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 10
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 9

    Marriage Of The Undead

    | PA, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids, Spouses & Partners

    (I work in a call center for a student loan servicing company. I deal with many difficult callers each day, as people get very upset over their loans. I have just spent an hour arguing with a woman as to why her loans were delinquent and I am quite frazzled.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I received a letter from you that says ”our condolences on the loss of your son.”

    (I check the account. The borrower has indeed been reported as deceased and we are waiting for the death certificate in order to discharge the loans.)

    Me: “Yes, sir. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Do you have any questions on the discharge process?”

    Caller: “Yes. My son isn’t dead.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you want to talk to him?”

    Me: “Uh… yes, please.”

    Caller: “Okay. Here he is.”

    Son: “Hello. As far as I know, I am not dead, unless I am the first recorded instance of the zombie apocalypse.”

    (At this point I start giggling helplessly. The son laughs, too.)

    Son: “Out of curiosity, why do you guys think I’m dead?”

    Me: “Well, sir, you were reported deceased by [Name].”

    Son: “Oh. That’s my ex-wife. She must have been trying to mess up my credit. Is this going to hurt me at all?”

    Me: “Not in the slightest, sir.”

    Son: “Ha. Sucks to be her. Have a lovely day, miss.”

    Me: “Thank you, sir. Please don’t bite anyone.”

    Son: “But where’s the fun in that?”

    That Last Customer Was An Odd Fish

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Spouses & Partners, Wild & Unruly

    (I get home from work and my fiancé has just finished up his shift, too.)

    Me: “Hi! How was your day?”

    Fiancé: “Well, the last customer that I spoke with today told me that if I didn’t tell him exactly what he wanted to hear that he would find out where I lived, fly to me, find a fish, and gently slap me with it.”

    Me: “Well, we live in Florida, so at least you’d know the fish was fresh!”

    It’s All Peachy

    , | St. Paul, MN, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners

    (I work as a sales associate at a large chain bath product store that caters mostly to women. I am stationed at the front of the store, greeting customers and handing out shopping bags. A huge, tough-looking man walks into the store and looks around awkwardly. He looks like a motorcycle gang member from a movie: tattoos, leather, and a bandanna.)

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Store]. I’m [Name]. Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: *shifts uncomfortably* “Yeah, I need lotion and shower gel.”

    (I knew he felt as out of place as he looked so rather than just pointing, I walk him over to the largest display of bath products.)

    Me: “Are you shopping for someone special?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Me.”

    (He was pointedly not making eye contact with me so I allowed myself a split-second look of shock.)

    Customer: *mutters* “My girlfriend likes it when I smell like a peach.”

    (Needless to say, I walked around the entire store with him. I even introduced him to some new fruity fragrances!)

    Won’t Be Seen But Definitely Heard

    | USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

    (A call comes in a little after 4 pm:)

    Customer: “How do I get to your office? We were up by [Hospital] and we didn’t see your building…”

    Me: “Ah, we’re actually not near them. But I can get you here from there!”

    (I then give them the most complete directions I can for a trip that should only take perhaps fifteen minutes at the most. They thank me and ask if we will be able to see them that day. I assure them that as long as they can get here before five, we can. I’m under the impression that they will only be a few minutes. As time goes on and they don’t show up I assume they have just decided ‘forget it; I’ll go home.’ At a few minutes after five, before I have a chance to even lock the doors for the evening, a troop of three people walk in: our lost patient, expecting that she can get in that day.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but we’re actually closed—”

    (The customer’s husband shouts over me, loud enough that the nurses later tell me they could hear him.)

    Customer’s Husband: “No! Don’t you listen to her. She told you you could get in! You said she could get seen today!”

    Me: *trying to keep my temper* “Actually, sir, what I said was as long as you came in before five pm we could see you.” *to his wife* “I’m sorry, ma’am, but as we’re closed for the day you’ll have to reschedule.”

    Customer’s Husband: “No! YOU SAID SHE COULD BE SEEN TODAY! DON’T YOU LISTEN TO HER. YOU’RE GONNA BE SEEN!”

    Me: *deciding I can’t fight stupid* “Let me go check with the doctor, and see if we can fit you in.”

    (When I got back to the nurse’s station, I managed to catch the doctor coming out of the last patient’s room, and upon explaining the situation he agreed – we wouldn’t bend the rules. When I got back up front to explain the situation, the lady was very polite and understanding, willing to reschedule her appointment to later the next week, while her husband stood back behind her declaring the whole time that we would be seeing her that day because we had said we would. That was the only time I’ve ever had someone argue the closing time with me, and I really hope it doesn’t happen again.)

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