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    Category: School

    Their Scam Doesn’t Pan Out

    , | MI, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, School, Theme Of The Month

    (In our college cafeteria, you can eat as much as you want. I make and cook and cut pizza and serve it on a tray, where students can serve themselves. I have just made two cheese pizzas and put one of them on the serving tray. I have made a backup due to the lunch rush. Two students approach.)

    Student #1: “Excuse me; do you have any fresh pizza?”

    Me: “The one that is there came out of the oven less than five minutes ago. I’m sure it’s quite good.”

    Student #2: “But there’s two pieces missing.”

    Me: “Well, someone came and took some pizza since I put it out.”

    Student #1: “I want some fresh pizza. Why can’t you give me a piece of the one you have there?”

    (The student points to the pizza I just put in the hot box that is used to keep food warm.)

    Me: “That pizza came out of the oven at the same time as the one that’s out on the tray.”

    Student #1: “But it’s been sitting out.”

    Me: “For less than five minutes.”

    Student #2: “Fine. Whatever b****.”

    (I turn my back to continue making pizzas, when my manager approaches.)

    Manager: “Hey, you need to get another cheese pizza out, pronto!”

    Me: “Already? I just put one out!”

    (A coworker approaches us.)

    Coworker: “Dude, did you see what happened?”

    Manager: “What?”

    Coworker: “Those girls each took four pieces of pizza when your back was turned and threw it out so they could get ‘fresher’ pizza.”

    Me: “Are you serious?!”

    Coworker: “Yeah! Here they come!”

    Student #2: “Do you have a fresh pizza out?”

    Manager: “Did you just take an entire pizza and throw it out so that you could get a different one?”

    Student #1: “Well she wasn’t serving fresh pizza!”

    Coworker: “She’s lying! [My Name] had put that pizza out maybe two minutes before they came here. Two pieces were missing because the guy in front of them took them.”

    Manager: “We’re going to have to have a little chat about wasting perfectly good food.”

    (My manager had a long talk with the girls and got them to admit that they threw out an entire pizza. After that, my manager gave me permission to refuse service to those two. Thankfully, I never saw them again anyway.)

    Passed The First Test

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Awesome Customers, School

    (I work at a non-profit agency that runs licensing examinations for a certain profession. When you take our exams, you have a certain amount of time to pass all sections, and if you wait too long to retake a failed section, you end up having to take all parts again. In my time at the job, I’ve had a number of callers who waited too long, and when they find out they have to retake everything, without exception they have gone ballistic. I am taking a call from a young lady with questions about her exams.)

    Caller: “Yes, I have some questions about my exams. I failed one section two years ago and want to see about retaking it.”

    Me: “Well, let me look up your information.”

    (I take her name and look her up in our system.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you need to do [module] to reactivate your eligibility for the exams. But I’m sorry to tell you that you’re outside your eligibility period, and need to retake the entire exam, rather than just the portion you didn’t pass.”

    (I am cringing at that point, waiting for the screaming and crying I’ve always experienced when breaking that news.)

    Caller: “Really? Well, that’s annoying, but if I gotta, I gotta, right?”

    Me: “Uh… really?”

    Caller: “Well, yeah. I waited too long; I do it over again, right? It’s a pain, but it’s what I have to do, right?”

    Me: “Ma’am, thank you SO much for being reasonable! I’ve had others in the same position as you and when I’ve broken the news to them, they’ve bitten my head off!”

    Caller: “Why would they? It’s not your fault!”

    He Got Burned

    | England, UK | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, School, Top

    (I am appointed as a volunteer marshal at college. The college hosts a book launch, and the fire alarm goes off. Most people follow directions to the fire exits, but one guest is sat there drinking his free champagne.)

    Me: “You can bring your drink if you like, sir, but we have to go outside and wait for the fire brigade to tell us it’s safe to re-enter.”

    Guest: “No, I shall stay here. It’ll be a false alarm.”

    Me: “I have no way of knowing if it’s a real fire or a false alarm, so please come with me to the assembly point, sir.”

    Guest: “I’m not taking instructions from you! Who do you think you are?”

    Me: “Just a voluntary fire marshal, sir.”

    Guest: “Just a student, then.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m a student here. Sorry about this, sir, but there’s a formality I have to conduct.”

    (I take out my phone and start the video camera. I point it at him.)

    Me: “It’s 12:57 pm. The fire alarm is sounding. I’m instructing you to follow me to the fire exit.”

    Guest: “Pathetic. And I’m refusing. What’s the point of that little charade? To show it to your friends on Youtube?”

    Me: “No, sir. If it proves necessary, to show it to the coroner at your inquest.”

    (I turn and leave. The guest waits until I’m turning the corner, and then follows.)

    Translation Kollaboration

    | NY, USA | Language & Words, School

    (Campus security has stopped a lost visitor, and is trying to work out where he wants to go. The visitor speaks very poor English, but the officer is trying his best.)

    Visitor: “I want go, skink labatree.”

    Security: “You wanna go where?”

    Visitor: “A skink labatree.”

    Security: “Oh, that’s, like, a little lizard. Reptile lab? Lizards? Snakes?”

    Visitor: “No, no, a skink labatree. Kell skinky.”

    Security: “Kill? Like, animal disposal?”

    Visitor: “No, no! I want call my daughter, but…”

    (The visitor holds up a cell phone.)

    Visitor: “No battery!”

    Security: “Ahh, okay. Wanna try mine?”

    (Security offers the visitor his phone.)

    Visitor: “No, no, I don’t know she kell. No battery my kell.”

    Security: “Hold up a sec.”

    (Security points to his cell phone.)

    Visitor: “Kell phone, no battery!”

    Security: “Kell laboratory?”

    Visitor: “Kell labatree!”

    Security: *scribbling on a piece of paper* “Skink?”

    Visitor: *overjoyed* “Yes! Skink labatree!”

    Security: “Okay, let’s go!”

    (On the paper: “SCIENCE.” I later learned that the visitor had taught himself English almost entirely by reading, and assumed all ‘C’s were hard ‘K’s.)

    Common Sense Playing Truant

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, School, Top

    (I am a junior in college. I’m working retail over Christmas break. It’s early afternoon on a weekday.)

    Customer: *huffs up to me* “They really shouldn’t let you work at this hour. Getting an education is more important than some low-rent job.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you talking about?”

    Customer: “You’re, what, 15 years old? They shouldn’t let kids your age work at all, but especially not during the school day.”

    Me: “Oh, sorry for the confusion, ma’am. I’m actually 21, and a junior at [university about 300 miles away]. We have a very long holiday break, so I’ve been off classes for a few weeks now.”

    Customer: “That’s not possible. I need to speak with your manager.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I know I look somewhat young, but I really don’t think it’s necessary to speak to my manager. I’m really, truly a college student on winter break.”

    Customer: “I’ll find your manager myself!”

    (The customer storms off. A few minutes later, I hear my manager over my headset.)

    Manager: “[My name], any chance you have your student ID on you?”

    Me: “I think so… want me to bring it up front if I have it?”

    Manager: “If you could.”

    (I go get my student ID, and bring it to the front of the store.)

    Me: *to customer* “Here’s my student ID, ma’am.”

    Customer: “You must be one of those high school students who takes college classes, too. It’s not possible for you to as old as you say you are. This store should be fined for letting you work during the school day.”

    Me: “Ma’am, my university is hundreds of miles away. You think I commute several hours back and forth every day to take advanced classes?”

    (My manager tells me to go back to work, and I see the customer huff out of the store a few minutes later. A few more minutes pass.)

    Customer: “There she is, officer; arrest her for truancy.”

    Me: “Oh. My. God. You got mall security over this?”

    Mall Security: “If you let me see your driver’s license, I’ll kick her out of the mall for the day, and ban her from your store.”

    Me: “Fair enough…”

    (She was not invited back to our store.)

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