Category: School

Your Argument Doesn’t Hold Water

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Books & Reading, Math & Science, School, Uncategorized

(At the college bookstore where I work, students can sell their books back for cash at the end of the semester.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I won’t be able to buy your textbook back because of the water damage.”

(I flip through the book’s crinkled, sticky pages.)

Student: “Oh, it’s okay. It’s not water damage, it’s humidity. I went on vacation to Missouri and it was humid.”

Me: “I still can’t take your book back because I cannot sell this to another student in this condition.”

Student: “But it’s not water damage! It’s humidity! Humidity made the pages stick together!”

Me: “Ma’am, what is humidity?”

Student: “Water, duh!”

(There’s a pause while the wheels begin to turn in her head.)

Student: “Oh…can you help me find my other books, then?”

Parental Misguidance

| Birmingham, AL, USA | Family & Kids, School, Uncategorized

(Parents often call to make sure their children are where they are supposed to be or are going to be ready when they come to pick them up.)

Me: “Computer lab, this is [name].”

Mother: “Hi, I am looking for my son. I think he’s up there using your computers.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what he looks like?”

Mother: “Well, he’s got medium skin, he’s kind of heavy, and he looks a little slow.”

Doesn’t Enjoy Bird Watching But Quite Likes The Woods

| Massachusetts, USA | Extra Stupid, School, Uncategorized

(I am sitting quietly in Current Affairs when I get a tap on the back from behind from a student.)

Student: “Hey. Is Dick Cheney the funny man on TV?”

Me: “No, he was the Vice President during the Bush Administration.”

Student: *blank look*

Me: “You know, he was the one who shot his friend in the face while quail hunting?”

Student: “Oh my God, he what! Wait, what’s a quail?”

Me: “It’s a type of bird.”

Student: “Why on earth would anyone kill a bird?”

Me: “To eat?”

Student: “That’s disgusting!”

Me: “Where do you think chicken’s come from!?”

Student: “Oh… right. I swear I’m not dumb! I know who Tiger Woods is!”

Can’t Handle The Screening Process, Part 2

| Illinois, USA | School, Technology, Uncategorized

(I teach college computer courses part time. I am introducing my students, who are 18-60 or so, to Windows and a GUI for the first time.)

Me: “Okay, everyone use your mouse to point at the icon and double-click on it. Once in the program, go ahead with the exercise.”

(A student raises a hand.)

Me: “Something not working?”

Student: “The mouse doesn’t seem to work. I point at the icon and double-click and nothing happens.”

Me: “That’s strange. Try it right now and let’s see what happens.”

(The student grabs the mouse, picks it up off the desk and points it at the icon like a gun and double clicks.)

Student: “See? Isn’t that little arrow supposed to follow too? Anyway, it’s broken, doesn’t work.”

Me: “Ah, well, see you actually use the mouse here on the mouse-pad like this.” *I demonstrate*

Student: “Oh my, I get it now!” *grabs the mouse and successfully launches the program*

(A few minutes go by as the students are working on the exercise, the same student raises a hand.)

Me: “Getting along with the exercise okay?”

Student: “I was, but now I need a bigger mouse pad.”

Me: “Why would that be?”

Student: “Well look at it. I have the mouse all the way to the right side of the mouse-pad, but I need to make the arrow go even further to the right on the screen. I need a bigger mouse-pad.”

Me: “Well, you can pick the mouse up–”

Student: “You told me not to do that.”

Me: “Right, but in this case–”

Student: “You’re confusing me.”

Me: “Let me see if we have a bigger mouse-pad…”

Totally, Like, Excruciatus

| Hazel Grove, NY, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, School

(Two girls enter the bookstore. I recognize them as being two ditzy girls from my English class.)

Me: “Hey, [Girl 1] and [Girl 2], what’s up? I didn’t think you guys liked hanging out in bookshops?”

Girl 1: *giggles* “Duh! Did you like think that we’re geeks or something?”

Girl 2: “Like, duh, I’m just looking for this book for my sister.”

(Said sister happens to be one of my good friends.)

Me: “Oh, what book does Jen want?”

Girl 2: “It’s like, this book with some totally geeky wizards or something.”

Me: “Do you mean Harry Potter? She’s already got those books.”

Girl 2: “Like, no duh! It’s like, written by some totally old-ish chick named Jane or something. It’s like, about this chick named Emma.”

Me:Emma by Jane Austen hasn’t got any wizards.”

Girl 2: “Ain’t Emma that witch or something? That nerdy, bushy-haired one?”

Me: “That’s Hermione Granger. Her actress is Emma Watson.”

Girl 2: *huffing* “What-EVER! I’m like, so totally out of here, you geek!”

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