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    Category: School

    Can’t Handle The Screening Process, Part 2

    | Illinois, USA | School, Technology

    (I teach college computer courses part time. I am introducing my students, who are 18-60 or so, to Windows and a GUI for the first time.)

    Me: “Okay, everyone use your mouse to point at the icon and double-click on it. Once in the program, go ahead with the exercise.”

    (A student raises a hand.)

    Me: “Something not working?”

    Student: “The mouse doesn’t seem to work. I point at the icon and double-click and nothing happens.”

    Me: “That’s strange. Try it right now and let’s see what happens.”

    (The student grabs the mouse, picks it up off the desk and points it at the icon like a gun and double clicks.)

    Student: “See? Isn’t that little arrow supposed to follow too? Anyway, it’s broken, doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Ah, well, see you actually use the mouse here on the mouse-pad like this.” *I demonstrate*

    Student: “Oh my, I get it now!” *grabs the mouse and successfully launches the program*

    (A few minutes go by as the students are working on the exercise, the same student raises a hand.)

    Me: “Getting along with the exercise okay?”

    Student: “I was, but now I need a bigger mouse pad.”

    Me: “Why would that be?”

    Student: “Well look at it. I have the mouse all the way to the right side of the mouse-pad, but I need to make the arrow go even further to the right on the screen. I need a bigger mouse-pad.”

    Me: “Well, you can pick the mouse up–”

    Student: “You told me not to do that.”

    Me: “Right, but in this case–”

    Student: “You’re confusing me.”

    Me: “Let me see if we have a bigger mouse-pad…”

    Totally, Like, Excruciatus

    | Hazel Grove, NY, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, School

    (Two girls enter the bookstore. I recognize them as being two ditzy girls from my English class.)

    Me: “Hey, [Girl 1] and [Girl 2], what’s up? I didn’t think you guys liked hanging out in bookshops?”

    Girl 1: *giggles* “Duh! Did you like think that we’re geeks or something?”

    Girl 2: “Like, duh, I’m just looking for this book for my sister.”

    (Said sister happens to be one of my good friends.)

    Me: “Oh, what book does Jen want?”

    Girl 2: “It’s like, this book with some totally geeky wizards or something.”

    Me: “Do you mean Harry Potter? She’s already got those books.”

    Girl 2: “Like, no duh! It’s like, written by some totally old-ish chick named Jane or something. It’s like, about this chick named Emma.”

    Me:Emma by Jane Austen hasn’t got any wizards.”

    Girl 2: “Ain’t Emma that witch or something? That nerdy, bushy-haired one?”

    Me: “That’s Hermione Granger. Her actress is Emma Watson.”

    Girl 2: *huffing* “What-EVER! I’m like, so totally out of here, you geek!”

    Knocking The Door Of Opportunity

    | Iowa, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, School

    Parent: "It’s ridiculous that I’m expected to give my information for my daughter to go to college. My parents didn’t pay for my college and I’m not paying for hers. I’m not giving it!"

    Me: "Sir, these are the federal government’s regulations. According to the government, until your daughter is 23, married, or has a dependent of her own, she needs to provide your financial information."

    Parent: "So, you’re saying if she gets married or knocked up, I don’t have to take care of her?"

    Me: "Um…technically, yes."

    Parent: *to daughter* "That’s it. You know what you have to do. You need to get pregnant now."

    Daughter: *looking mortified and whining to her father* "Daaaad!"

    Parent: "I’m serious. If you want to go to college then you’re throwing out your pills and getting yourself knocked up."

    Customers To Keep You On Your Toes

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Family & Kids, School

    (My husband and I inherited a dance studio from his mother and we’re both full-time teachers there. Naturally, our five-year-old spends a lot of time with us at the studio. Her father and I were playing "Swan Lake" with her one day in one of the dance studios after all the classes were over when a mother and her daughter came in.)

    Customer: “Excuse me!”

    Me: “Can I help you? Classes are over for the day.”

    Customer: “I would like to organize one-on-one private lessons with you for my daughter.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do private lessons.”

    Customer: “So why is he teaching that little girl how to do a lift?”

    Me: “That’s our daughter. He’s not teaching her anything, he’s just picking her up. We were playing a game.”

    Customer: “I demand you give my child private lessons!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve just told you, we don’t do that here.”

    Customer: “She’s been in your class for two years!”

    Me: “Yes, I know.”

    Customer: “That little girl isn’t even old enough to be in your class.”

    Me: “No, she’s not, but she’s my daughter. She’s been exposed to ballet since she was a baby.”

    Customer: “So has my child! She knows culture!”

    Me: “I understand, ma’am, but I just can’t give her private lessons.”

    Customer: “Why are you letting her do it, then?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’ve told you already, she’s my daughter. She gets private lessons with me whether she likes it or not. We live together.”

    Customer: “So if I send my daughter to live with you, will you teach her?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you can’t send your daughter to live with us.”

    My Daughter: “Mommy! Look at me!”

    Customer: “Oh, she really is your daughter? I thought you were lying. See you tomorrow for class!”

    Finals At Hogwarts

    | Australia | School

    (One of my students was absent the day of a test and she has had just handed it in.)

    Me: “Okay, class. Now that [name] has done the test, I can give you them back.”

    (I hand out the test papers.)

    Student: “Where’s mine?”

    Me: “You just did yours today. I’ll have it back to you tomorrow.”

    Student: “But you just said!”

    Me: “How was I supposed to mark it in 5 minutes?”

    Student: *completely serious* “Doesn’t it just automatically mark itself?”


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