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    Category: School

    Lions And Tigers And Big Box Stores, Oh My

    | North Georgia Mountains, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, School

    (I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about 50 miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

    Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?” 

    Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

    (At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

    Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

    (The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

    Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

    Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

    Man: “What about bears?”

    Woman: “Panthers?”

    Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

    (The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on on campus, and continue with the tour.)

    Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

    Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.” 

    Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

    Me: “About a 10 minute drive.”

    Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

    You Just Got Schooled

    , | Chicago, IL, USA | School

    (This happens to a coworker after having an issue with an order.)

    Customer: “That took long enough. This is why you should have gone to college!”

    Coworker: “I’m only 16.”

    Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have dropped out, then!”

    Coworker: “I didn’t. I’m still in school.”

    Customer: “I… uh… have a nice day.” *leaves embarrassed*

    Related:
    Gettin’ Schooled, Kindergarten Style
    Pantzilla Gets Schooled

    A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Woes

    | NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, School, Top

    (My sister is doing a high school project at a grocery store where she has to interview the store manager. It’s in a shady part of town, so when she leaves her digital camera unattended for a few moments someone steals it. After alerting the security guard, he agrees to ask the customers in the store. The only people in the store at that time are my sister, the manager, my sister’s groupmates, a college student with an iPhone, and a few admittedly shabby-looking customers.)

    Guard: *to the college student* “Excuse me, sir, can I inspect your bag? There’s a reported missing item.”

    College Student: “I don’t have time for this! Those students should have taken better care of their belongings! I refuse to be searched!”

    Guard: “But—”

    College Student: “I’m a college student, for **** sake! Why would I steal a camera?!” *points to a shabby-looking customer*He’d have more reason to steal it! I refuse to waste my time for a bunch of kids who think their irresponsibility to take care of their camera makes them a priority!”

    Guard: “Sir…when did I ever say the missing item was a camera?”

    College Student: “I—”

    Guard: “I’ll need to search your bag now, or if you’re in such a hurry, I can have your ID.”

    (The college student consents and allows the guard to search his bag. Soon enough, the guard finds my sister’s camera.)

    Guard: “Is this yours, ma’am?”

    My Sister: “It is!”

    College Student: “What the f***?! That’s mine! I’ll have it back now and be on my way, please!”

    (The guard ignores the student and turns on the digital camera. The pictures show many pictures of my sister and her groupmates. There are also a few teenage pictures of my sister in that typical provocative teenage pose in front of the mirror while wearing a revealing two-piece. The college student turns paper white.)

    College Student: “Oh, that camera! Yeah, I found it on the table someplace and I was going to return it, but totally forgot and—”

    Guard: “Sir, I can either charge you with stealing, or I can charge you with stalking and pedophilia, since this lady is obviously a minor. Which one is it going to be?”

    (In the end, my sister got her camera back and the college student was taken away by police. The guard got a raise!)

    Social Notworking

    , | Arizona, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, School

    Me: “Good morning! ASU Information.”

    Caller: “Umm, yeah, hi. Where am I?”

    Me: “You have reached the ASU information desk. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “No. I mean, like, where am I?”

    Me: “Could you be more specific please?”

    Caller: “Dude, I don’t know where I am. Can you find me?”

    Me: “Are there people near you?”

    Caller: “Um, yeah.”

    Me: “Do any of them know where you are?”

    Caller: “How do I find that out?”

    Me: “Walk up to one of them, smile, and ask them if they know where you are.”

    Caller: “Okay, thanks!” *fumbling around, muffled talking, phone beeping* “You are so awesome; it worked! Thanks!”

    Someone Has Major Issues

    | New York City, NY, USA | School

    (I’m a peer advisor at my college, which includes figuring out what the student is looking for to best service them before we send them to an advisor. This conversation happens about 4-5 times a month.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Student: “I want to talk to an advisor.”

    Me: “Okay, about general education requirements or major requirements?”

    Student: “Major requirements.”

    Me: “Okay, for that you actually have to go to the major department and meet with an advisor there. We can only cover general education requirements here.”

    Student: “But I want to speak to an advisor.”

    Me: “Yeah, but for that you have to speak to someone in that department.”

    Student: “Okay. Well, where is it?”

    Me: “The department?”

    Student: “That’s what I said.”

    Me: “Well, what’s your major?”

    Student: “Can I please just speak to an advisor?”

    Me: “Well, I can’t help you figure out where that is until you tell me what your major is.”

    Student: “I just want to talk to someone! Can’t I just see someone here?”

    Me: “Well, like I said, we can only advise you on your general education requirements, so—”

    Student: “Yes! That’s what I want to talk to someone about!”

    Me: “Okay, let me sign you in. Someone will be with you in just a bit.”

    (The student signs in and huffs off to a seat to wait. A coworker of mine takes the student after I’ve warned him about what happened. Less than a minute later, I see the student stomping out of our office. My coworker comes back to the front desk.)

    Me: “Major requirements?”

    Coworker: “Yup.”

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