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    Category: School

    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 15

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Extra Stupid, School

    (I am a PhD student. It is 7 pm on Friday night, and everyone is down at the pub, except for me. I have just come back from an experiment. To my great surprise one of my coworkers is still at her desk.)

    Me: “Oh, you’re still here.”

    Coworker: “I’m about to go. A guy called your phone just now, looking for Mr. ‘No-One-Who-Works-In-Our-Office.’”

    Me: “Huh. Must have got the wrong number.”

    Coworker: *suddenly looking pained* “I tried to tell him that. But it was really weird. He said he would call back in a few minutes, though. I think you better wait to speak to him. Anyway, I’m off. See you Monday!”

    (I get on with some paperwork. About 20 minutes later, the call comes.)

    Me: “Hello, this is room [Room Name]. You’re speaking to—”

    Caller: “Hello. Please pass me on to Mr [Name].”

    (I don’t recognize the name.)

    Me: “Ah, it is you! You called before. I’m afraid you got the wrong number—”

    Caller: “This is about my son. I want Mr. [Name] to send me the financial statements for his enrollment. It is a very urgent matter and I want them immediately.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m afraid you have the wrong number. There’s no person by that name in this office. I think my colleague was trying to tell you before—”

    Caller: “So, he is out? In that case, I will give you my son’s name and student number and you will tell Mr [Name] to telephone me as soon as he returns. My son’s name is—”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that for you. I have never heard of that person, so I wouldn’t be able to pass anything on to him. It sounds to me like you want to get admin or accounts or someone like that.”

    Caller: “That’s right. I am calling international accounts.”

    Me: “Erm, I’m afraid you’re not. This is one of the PhD offices. You have the wrong number. Actually, hang on, let me find the right number for you—”

    (I pull up the university search page to find the right number for him. I am quite new myself and know that it can be a confusing system, especially since it sounds like English is not the caller’s first language. Before I can get it for him, however, he starts shouting.)

    Caller: “How can I have the wrong number? HOW? I cannot understand how this can happen.”

    Me: “Maybe you wrote it down wrong? Or pressed the wrong button? I don’t know how because, well, I’m not you. But I’m trying to get the right one for you.”  

    Caller: “Mr [Name] told me to call this number. How can he tell me the wrong number? What sort of institution is this? It is completely unprofessional! This is how things are run in this country. Every time I call it is like this, some excuse to waste my time. I called only two minutes ago and was speaking to Mr [Name], and he told me to call this number back. He wouldn’t give me the wrong number. You are just trying to slack off work! You are lying so you don’t have to help me!”

    Me: “Erm, I don’t know what to say to you except that you definitely have it wrong somehow. There are only six people in this office and he’s not one of them. And you didn’t call this office two minutes ago because I was here and the phone didn’t ring. Unless you mean about 20 minutes ago, in which case you would have called [Coworker], who is a girl and is definitely not the guy you’re looking for. It sounds to me like you simply got the wrong number somehow. I’m sure he wouldn’t have given it to you deliberately, but maybe he made a mistake. It’s pretty easy to do.”

    Caller: “So, are refusing to help me?”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I can, really. But I’ve been trying to find the right number through the university website for you so—”

    Caller: “I don’t want to call again. You will write down my son’s name like I told you and find out about his accounts for me.”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Write down his name and find out the information I want. Then call me back straight away as this is a very urgent matter. I will give you my phone number. I don’t want to call back here again. I am overseas and it is too expensive and have been wasting too much of my time and money already!”

    Me: “But they’re closed. It’s 7:30 on a Friday night! And—”

    Caller: “So do it on Monday morning! But do it first thing and call me as soon as possible.”

    Me: “And I don’t even work in accounts!”

    Caller: “What?”

    Me: “I don’t work there. There I do not work. Work there, I do not. I am a student. I am not responsible for helping you find out about your son. They don’t pay my wages. I don’t work in accounts! This is not an accounts office!”

    Caller: “You… don’t work for accounts?”

    Me: *relieved* “Yes! That’s what I’ve been trying to say!”

    Caller: “THEN WHY HAVE YOU BEEN WASTING MY TIME?!”

    (He hangs up. Another coworker walks in to find me still gaping at the receiver.)

    Coworker #2: “You look like you need a drink.”

    Me: “You have no idea.”

    Related:
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 14
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 13
    I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 12

    Think They Are The Masters Race

    | FL, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, School

    (I work in a call center for a large insurance company. My desk partner has just gotten a call from an extremely irate man. He is trying to find anything he can use to insult her. She is Filipino, but she was born in the US. She has no accent to speak of and a very American name.)

    Customer: “Are you even in America? Where are you located?”

    Coworker: “I’m in our Florida office, sir.”

    Customer: “Well at least you’re not some dot-head.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well, even if you ain’t foreign, you’re obviously an idiot working in a call center. I don’t have time to talk to some uneducated girl.”

    Coworker: “Actually, sir, in addition to having a license to process insurance policies, I have a Master’s degree. So unless you have a Doctorate, I’m certain I’ve had more education than you, and I’m more than qualified to help you.”

    Customer: “Oh… uh…”

    (He didn’t have much to say after that, and I just sat there cackling.)

    Unable To Make Contact

    | MD, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, School, Technology

    (I work in the IT Help Desk of a university.)

    Caller: “I’m calling about the homepage for the university.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Caller: “It’s terrible! I can’t see any contact information on the page at all!”

    Me: “Is it [website URL]?”

    Caller: “I don’t know! I’m not on that site now!”

    Me: “Okay, can you tell me the URL to the site you’re having this issue with?”

    Caller: “No! Your homepage doesn’t have any contact information! It’s terrible!”

    Me: “Well, I’m on the [website URL], which is what our homepage is, and there is contact information at the bottom of the page.”

    Caller: “That’s not good enough! You don’t have contact information on the page!”

    Me: “Yes, we do. It’s at the bottom of the page.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m a Harvard graduate and as an educated person, I didn’t think to look down there, so obviously the page is terrible.”

    Me: “Okay, well, at the bottom of the page-”

    Caller: “You’re telling me there’s the information there but I didn’t see it?!”

    Me: “What I’m trying to say is that it has a place to comment on the page. If you click-”

    Caller: “I’m telling you about this!”

    Me: “Okay, but I don’t run the website. So, if you click-”

    Caller: “This is a business call! I will never call again! I’m just trying to tell you the website sucks!”

    Me: “Well, thanks for letting us know. Have a great day.”

    We’ll Sell You One When Guinea Pigs Fly

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals, School, Theme Of The Month

    (It’s late August and temperatures have been in the high 90s since 7 am. It’s now nearly 3 pm when I get a call.)

    Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Do you have any orange and white guinea pigs?”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, all our guinea pigs are black but they’re very sweet and personable.”

    Customer: “No, it really has to be an orange and white one.”

    Me: “May I ask why?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a teacher at [Local Middle School] and I set the class guinea pig outside to clean my classroom this morning. I just checked on him and he’s dead.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re telling me you left that guinea pig outside in near 100-degree weather without checking on him, leading him to die of heat stroke, and you want me to sell you another one?”

    Customer: “…I’m not getting a guinea pig, am I?”

    Universally Speaking

    , | UK | Extra Stupid, School, Technology

    (I work on a sales chat service for a large IT company. Customers come through and ask us questions about products, prices, etc. We offer a discount for students so this is something we get asked on a lot.)

    Customer: “I would like to buy a computer. How much is it with the education discount?”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help with that! If you can let me know where you’re studying and which computer it is you’re looking to purchase then I can certainly check if there is a discount available on that for you.”

    Customer: “[University], [model of computer].”

    Me: “Perfect, thanks! With your discount, that model would cost you £945.60. Are you happy that this is the best computer for your needs?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. I’m working in a budget. Is there a cheaper option?”

    Me: “What sort of budget did you have in mind?”

    Customer: “£1000.”

    Me: “Well, the model above does cost less than £1000, so it does come in under your budget.”

    Customer: “Okay. This model will be fine, then.”

    Me: “Are you sure that this model would be suitable for your university work?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. What can I not do on this computer that I can do on another?”

    Me: “Well, that’s a very difficult question to answer. If you can tell me what sort or stuff you’ll be using it for, I’d be happy to let you know if it’s suitable.”

    Customer: “Is [lower spec model] better?”

    Me: “Again, it really depends on what you will be using it for.”

    Customer: “University work.”

    Me: “Okay, and what sort of thing would that involve?”

    Customer: “Using software for assignments.”

    Me: “Can you clarify what sort of software you would be using?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. Things for university.”

    (I gave up asking at that point and wished him a nice day.)

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