October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Can’t Stretch To Accommodate This Call

| Southaven, MS, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “Hi, I needed to ask you some questions about condoms.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

Customer: “Well, you see I have a problem. All the condoms seem to be too small and are very tight.”

Me: “Okay, well they do make larger condoms such as Trojan Magnums.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve tried those and even those are too small for me.”

Me: “Well, I’ve never really heard of that, since condoms are designed to be very stretchy.”

Customer: “I’ve just tried all sorts of condoms. What I really need is for you to help me try on the condom.”

Me: *click*

Rated Immature

| NY, USA | Movies & TV, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(The video store I work at has a ‘back room’ installed and most people call to double check that, yes, we do rent adult videos.)

Caller: “Hey, I’ve got a list of titles and I wanted to know if you have them for rent.”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Caller: “All right. Deep Throat?” *background giggling*

Me: *checks* “Nope, we don’t carry that one.”

Caller: “Darn, my niece will be so disappointed.” *more giggling*

(I’m not fazed by this stuff by this point, so I keep going since it isn’t busy.)

Me: “Any others?”

Caller: “Ha ha, yeah… Debbie Does Dallas?”

Me: *checks* “Well the first one is rented out, but the second and fifth ones are in stock.”

Caller: “Wait, really?”

Me: *confused* “Yeah, really.”

Caller: “You guys ACTUALLY rent porn?”

Me: “Yeah… We have a whole section in the back of the store.”

Caller: “Wow, REALLY? All right, I’ll be in later then. Wait, wait… Do you have newer stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, the older titles are mostly just the really famous ones.”

Caller: “Awesome. That call went a lot better than I thought it would.”

(He turned out to be a repeat customer.)

The Drink Of The Month

| IA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I work at a kiosk of a popular coffee chain. It’s before school, and my coworker is ringing up a girl’s order.)

Customer: “I want a peppermint mocha, but with no coffee in it.”

Coworker: “Okay, so a steamer.”

(My coworker hands me the cup and I can’t help but giggle a little.)

Coworker: “What is it?”

Me: “Oh, you wrote down PMS for the drink order.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Oh jeez, I didn’t even think about that. But that’s what it is, a peppermint mocha steamer.”

Customer: “That’s one way to start a morning.”

(I make the drink and hand it to her.)

Me: “Here’s your PMS, ma’am.”

Customer: “Don’t go PMSing now!”

New Ways To Sleep On The Job

| Muskegon, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

(I am a small, twenty-year-old female working the closing shift at my store. A very large, unclean looking man is at my till about fifteen minutes before close. He’s been silent up until I’ve started ringing up the last items he has.)

Customer: “You get out soon?”

(I don’t find this question odd, as many people ask it just to make conversation.)

Me: “We close at eleven, so ,yeah. I get out just a little after that.”

Customer: “Do you want a job working for me?”

Me: “Uh… no. That’s okay. I already have a job here, and I don’t really have time for a second job. Thanks, though. Your total is [total].”

Customer: “Well, it’s only nights. You don’t have plans after work, do you? The job pays well.”

Me: “Actually, I do have plans. My boyfriend is picking me up after my shift.”

(The man grumbles something incoherent, pays with food stamps, then leaves. My manager comes over, to help close my register down.)

Manager: “What was that about?”

Me: “I’m not sure. I think he was trying to pay me to sleep with him.”

Manager: “You know, I was wondering if that’s what was happening.”


| Avon, CT, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thank you for calling [Retail Store]. How may I assist you?”

Young Male Caller: “Yeah, do you guys got any purple XBox’s?”

Me: *not sure if prank or real* “No. I’m sorry, sir, but there are a lot of online sites that offer custom paint jobs for consoles!”

Young Male Caller: “Well, do you think they would be able to put a picture of my butt on one?”

Me: *now convinced it’s a prank* “Well, I’m not sure if the image will fit but I’m sure they can try!”

Young Male Caller: *click*

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