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Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Has A Load Of Explaining To Do

| MI, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(I am helping an older couple buy lottery tickets. They have a ten dollar bill, and their total is at nine dollars.)

Wife: “Why not get one more 1$ dollar ticket. I’ll blow my load!”

(I am thinking: do not laugh at that! You are an adult. That was an innocent statement meaning she’ll spend all her money. Maintain composure! Unfortunately she says it again, and the husband and I make eye contact and die laughing.)

Husband: *mutters* “It means something different these days; I’ll explain on the way home.”

(I can only imagine what that conversation was like!)

Wanted A Quick And Dirty Fix

| VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Technology

(Our company provides onsite tech support for companies not large enough to have their own full time staff. We offer a discount for our customers who bring their machines to our office and are willing to forgo same day service. Our receptionist is an obviously young but very pretty local teenager with red hair. I am the only female tech on staff and blond. A middle aged male customer has brought his computer back for the third time in just over a month. Each time he has dropped off the machine he has insisted that the female tech work on it. Sometimes our customers have favorite staff but I’ve never met this gentlemen. My coworker waves me over as I walk in the door.)

Coworker: “This is Mr.J. He is still having problems viewing images on his system. I see you’ve done several scans and were unable to reproduce the problem.”

Me: “Yes, I was able to remove malware and several toolbars but could not find a problem with opening image files or video. When the system returned I recommended a security package and ran diagnostics on the hardware.”

(The customer has gone very red in the face.)

Customer: “I wanted the other girl to fix my computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m currently the only female on staff but if you’re not satisfied with my work we can have our lead technician go back over the machine at no charge to you.”

(The man is looking increasingly angry and upset to the point where my coworker is directing nervous glances to the back room.)

Customer: “The redhead! The one that answers the phone on the lobby.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but she is a high-school student not a technician. As I said I can have coworker look at this for you instead.”

(The man SLAMMED his hands down on the counter and then grabbed his tower, pulling all of our cables out of their positions and nearly sending our monitor onto the floor. After a mad scramble to unhook everything he stormed out, raging about how we had ruined everything. I looked back at my notes and every file he reported as not opening correctly was porn.)

Older Ladies Have A Higher Drive (Thru)

, | Charlotte, NC, USA | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’m working the drive thru late on Saturday night. I’m 17 at this point. A group of older women, presumably on a cougars’ night out, have come up to the second window and have paid. I hand them their drinks.)

Me: “Your food will be right out, ladies.”

Woman: *in the back seat* “Show him something!”

(I think I know what she means, so I’m not particularly keen to hand them their food when it comes up. Sure enough, when I go to give them their food, EVERY woman in the car has exposed her bare breasts.)

Me: “Here’s your food. Have a good night!”

(I immediately closed the window and fled. I could hear them laughing as they drove off. What a show for a 17-year old…)

Party Supplies In His Pants

| Charlotte, NC, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology

(I am working the tablet display counter when a man walks in with his wife.)

Customer: “So, what’s the difference between these two tablets?”

Me: “This one has a faster processor and is better for playing video games or watching movies.”

Customer: “Good, because I’ll need the larger screen to watch all that po-… uh, party supplies…”

(At this, I can’t keep it together. The wife promptly collects her husband and leaves. As they’re leaving, he says…)

Customer: “I wanted to look at party supplies, honest…”

Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

(I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)

Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”

Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”

Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”

Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”

Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”

Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”

Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”

Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”

Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”

Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”

(The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)

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