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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    They Have Incompatible Operating Systems

    | England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I own a small computer store that specializes in repairs and does a large number of home and work visits to repair machines on site. I am a gay man. My partner is an employee, and we often go on call-outs together. This particular call-out is to a young woman’s home. She seems quite pleasant.)

    Me: “This seems straight forward enough, but it will take some time to complete. [Partner] will head back to the shop to get some parts whilst I work on that, if that’s all right?”

    Customer: “That’s fine, thanks.”

    (I continue working on the machine whilst my partner heads back. Whilst he’s gone the customer heads out of the room for a moment and comes back without her sweater on, and only the shirt beneath it. I don’t think anything of it.)

    Customer: “Can I get you a cup of tea or some biscuits?”

    Me: “That’d be great. Two sugars, thanks very much.”

    (She leaves for a couple of minutes and comes back with some tea and biscuits, now wearing only a tank top instead of the shirt. I’m getting a little suspicious.)

    Customer: “There you go. You don’t mind me watching you work, right?”

    Me: “Of course not. I prefer to have the owners with me. It avoids me getting accused of anything.”

    Customer: “Ah, you don’t have to worry about that, hun.”

    (She sits a little close for comfort whilst I work. I don’t say anything, but I can guess what’s going on here. A few more minutes pass before the phone rings and she leaves the room to answer it. Shortly, she returns wearing only a bra on her top half. I’m speechless.)

    Customer: “That was my husband. He said he won’t be home for some time, I’m afraid.”

    (Seconds later my partner walks in through the front door and straight into the room I’m working in and is also stood there speechless.)

    Me: “Uhh… Hey, love, did you get the parts?”

    (Even though he’s holding them, I want her to see I’m gay. He nods.)

    Customer: “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re gay?”

    (Silence for a moment.)

    Customer: “Even better.”

    Me: “I’m afraid we have to go now.”

    (I and my partner practically run out the door, leaving the computer case open but functional.)

    Asking Ballsy Questions

    | Roseville, CA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    Female Customer: “I’d like to return these men’s underwear.”

    Return Counter Clerk: “That’s fine. Was there something wrong with them?”

    Female Customer: *with a totally straight face* “My husband says his balls keep falling out of them.”

    (No further questions!)

    Sadly This Is Regular Behavior

    | Liverpool, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (At my small café, I am the only waitress who will work Sundays. Now I know why. One guy, who is apparently a regular as he knows the boss, comes in. He seems cheerful enough and I give him my usual smile and politeness as I process his order, which is simply a tea to go. As I am making the drink, he comes up behind me and mutters.)

    Customer: “I’d love to f***you.”

    (I honestly have no idea what to say, so I give him his drink and move to the back of the kitchen to start washing the plates and cutlery. He finally leaves.)

    Me: *to Boss* “That customer just said he’d love to f*** me!”

    Boss: “What?! Just wait until he comes back again!”

    (The following week she processed his order herself.)

    Customer: “So, where is [My Name] today?”

    Boss: “I don’t feel it is right to submit her to such inappropriate behavior from a customer who is at least three times her age.”

    (His embarrassment at the other customers staring was worth it.)

    Stripped Of His Confidence

    | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (This conversation occurred between me and a customer buying shoes for a wedding. I’m a tall girl and rather busty.)

    Me: *after ringing up shoes and going through usual questions* “Okay, that will be [total].”

    Customer: “Just a second.” *pulls out wallet, digs in pockets, and locates two extra bills in another pocket* “Hey, I found extra money. That’s great!”

    Me: “Oh, yeah, I always love finding extra money at the bottom of my purse.”

    Customer: “Oh, from your job as a stripper?”

    (At this he freezes and his whole face is overcome with a look of absolute horror at what he’s just said. His tone isn’t insulting and in fact I got the distinct impression he must have a lot of female friends he casually jokes with without thinking. I’m standing there struggling between laughter and insult and settle on laughter as I’ve had a good day and he just looks like he feels really bad.)

    Customer: “Oh, my god, I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to imply—”

    Me: “It’s fine. It’s flattering to think I look good enough to be a stripper.” *poses*

    (The customer laughed though clearly still felt bad, He paid and left with his shoes. Another coworker walked over, having heard the exchange, and we stared at each other a moment before we burst out laughing.)

    A Significant Flight Risk

    | Honolulu, HI, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Transportation

    (I work in a very touristy part of town and we have a lot of flight attendants who stop through the store. I see a guy and help him at the computer. This guy is close to 60.)

    Me: “So you just click here and it should be good.”

    Customer: “Oh, thank you. Say, where are you from?”

    Me: “The Philippines.”

    Customer: “Oh, my friend met his wife there. He basically waited outside of the college she was attending everyday and finally convinced him to go out with her. She eventually said yes. I’ve been there a few times since I’m a flight attendant. Beautiful women you know.”

    Me: “That’s nice. I’m gonna go help out some other people. Ask me if you have other questions.”

    (I loop around a couple more times around the store answering questions. He flags me down.)

    Customer: “Marry me and you’ll fly for free.”

    Me: “Ha ha. That’s the same line my friend’s dad used 30 years ago on his wife.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s a good line.”

    Me: “I think I’ll pass, but thank you anyway.”

    (I loop around the store again, and start demonstrating a product features. I see him lingering in the back waiting for me to finish.)

    Customer: “Thank you for helping me out tonight. You’re really sweet. Here’s my card.”

    Me: “Uh. Thanks.”

    (The card said, “You’re really charming and here’s my number. Let’s meet for drinks after work.” I never called, but he came back a few weeks later asking for help with his phone from my coworker. His phone background was a picture of some woman’s breasts. Gross.)


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