Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

A Stupid Call By Any Metric

| OH, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am working as a third shift clerk in a convenience store. It is nothing unusual to get some very odd phone calls on my night shifts.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Does your store carry Magnum condoms?”

(This is actually a pretty common question.)

Me: “No, but we do carry Durex XXL.”

Caller: “Do you think you could handle nine inches?”

Me: “Sir, turn your ruler around. You’re looking at centimeters. Don’t neglect your lotion and tissues. Have a good night!”

Caller: “Ummm…” *click*

Doesn’t Prank Very Highly With Him

| GA, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(I am working the graveyard security shift when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Company] guard shack. This is [My Name].”

Caller: “Hey, I just wanted to make sure your refrigerator was running.”

Me: “Already caught it running down Oregon Road. Is there something I can help you with?”

(He apparently places his hand badly over the speaker because I can still hear him.)

Caller: *to someone else* “Dude, it didn’t work. Got another?”

Other Person: “Try the Prince Albert one!”

Me: “I’ll stop you two right there; I’ve got Prince Albert in a can, Queen Elizabeth in a box, and the Duke of Earl in a bar with Tom, Dick, and Harry. Unless you have actual business with me, you can just hang up now before I trace this call and put your a** in the grass.”

(*click*)

Naked And Unafraid

| Enschede, The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(We get a lot of ‘dirty’ calls because it is a toll-free number. This one guy is a ‘regular.’)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: *heavy breathing* “So… what colour undies are you wearing?”

Me: “Sir, it’s Monday. On Monday we don’t wear clothes. It’s policy.”

(I disconnect the call, smiling at the man’s stunned silence. One minute late my coworker gets a call. All I hear is:)

Coworker: “Oh, naked sir. It’s Monday after all!”

(He hung up and we had a good laugh about it.)

Can’t Stretch To Accommodate This Call

| Southaven, MS, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

Customer: “Hi, I needed to ask you some questions about condoms.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

Customer: “Well, you see I have a problem. All the condoms seem to be too small and are very tight.”

Me: “Okay, well they do make larger condoms such as Trojan Magnums.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve tried those and even those are too small for me.”

Me: “Well, I’ve never really heard of that, since condoms are designed to be very stretchy.”

Customer: “I’ve just tried all sorts of condoms. What I really need is for you to help me try on the condom.”

Me: *click*

Rated Immature

| NY, USA | Movies & TV, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(The video store I work at has a ‘back room’ installed and most people call to double check that, yes, we do rent adult videos.)

Caller: “Hey, I’ve got a list of titles and I wanted to know if you have them for rent.”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Caller: “All right. Deep Throat?” *background giggling*

Me: *checks* “Nope, we don’t carry that one.”

Caller: “Darn, my niece will be so disappointed.” *more giggling*

(I’m not fazed by this stuff by this point, so I keep going since it isn’t busy.)

Me: “Any others?”

Caller: “Ha ha, yeah… Debbie Does Dallas?”

Me: *checks* “Well the first one is rented out, but the second and fifth ones are in stock.”

Caller: “Wait, really?”

Me: *confused* “Yeah, really.”

Caller: “You guys ACTUALLY rent porn?”

Me: “Yeah… We have a whole section in the back of the store.”

Caller: “Wow, REALLY? All right, I’ll be in later then. Wait, wait… Do you have newer stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, the older titles are mostly just the really famous ones.”

Caller: “Awesome. That call went a lot better than I thought it would.”

(He turned out to be a repeat customer.)

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