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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Fishing For Tramps

    | Titusville, FL, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “What do I need to fish saltwater for shrimp?”

    Me: “Just a saltwater fishing license.”

    Customer: “No crawdad or lobster permit?”

    Me: “Nope, just the saltwater license for $17.50.”

    Customer: “Well what about freshwater? Will I need a tramp stamp for trout?”

    (Right after that, he realized what he said. His friend and I were both laughing.)

    A Phoned In Service

    | Bastrop, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I’m a cashier for a retail store. Normally I’m pretty nice with one main exception: If you are on a phone, I will NOT talk to you. A customer come up to me talking on her phone and I proceed to scan up her items, giving a small smile and a nod to acknowledge her. For the most part the customer doesn’t seem to care until she’s almost done.)

    Customer: “Where’s my corn dog?”

    (She resumes her phone conversation as I put the corn dog on the counter next to the credit reader.)

    Customer: “HEL-LO! Where’s my corn dog?”

    (I silently start to put her items into the buggy while she’s STILL keeps talking on her phone as I point to the corn dog. For the next few moments she attempts to talk to me only to also talk to the phone.)

    Customer: “HELLO! Are you sleepy?! Where is my corn dog!?”

    (I point to it one more time as she pays with a card and takes the corn dog and receipt. As she walks off, another customer walks to the counter without a cell phone and we start to carry a conversation.)

    Next Customer: “Geez, she the only thing she seemed to care about was her corn dog! How do you deal with people like that?”

    Me: “Just like I just did. So, now, how are you?”

    A Trashy Pick Up Line

    , | Canada | One-Liners, Rude & Risque

    (I am in my teens, taking out the garbage. One of our regular customers, an elderly man who is a well-known jokester, comes up to me at the end of his meal. I’m switching out the trash bag.)

    Elderly Man: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Taking out the trash.”

    Elderly Man: “Well, I’m trash. Can you take me out?”

    (I laugh into the garbage can.)

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t, but I’ll have to remember that one. It’s good!”

    How To Kiss Problem Customers Goodbye

    | IN, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (I normally take my lunch break when my husband gets off work. Today is a really busy day and I’m not getting my lunch break, so my husband has approached me at my checkout line. I give my husband a hug and quick peck on the cheek and say goodbye. I turn to my next customer.)

    Customer: “Where’s mine?”

    Me: “Your what?”

    Customer: *very serious* “My hug and kiss. He got one. I want one, too.”

    Me: “Oh! I only hug and kiss the customers I’m married to.”

    Customer: *disgusted* “Well, that’s not good customer service. I wanted a hug and kiss!”

    (A coworker then decides to step in. He’s a big guy about 6″ tall and very heavy.)

    Coworker: “Well, it would be a shame to let you leave unhappy.”

    Customer: “I know. It’s not fair that she kisses other men but won’t give me one!”

    Coworker: “I’ll take care of that for you.”

    (My coworker walks towards the customer with his arms out.)

    Coworker: “Let me show her what customer service is. I’ll take care of that hug and kiss.”

    Customer: “Uh… No, thanks!” *walks quickly to the front register*

    Coworker: *to me* “What about my hug and kiss?”

    Me: *smirks* “What about that marriage proposal?”

    Gives New Meaning To Turn-Down Service

    | USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque, Wild & Unruly

    (Three teenagers, two guys and girl, reserve a room together. Our motel has a policy of only 18 and over, so they barely reach that. Two are boyfriend and girlfriend, and the other boy is the boyfriend’s friend. The girlfriend and the friend sneak in the room together, and later the boyfriend comes up to my counter.)

    Boyfriend: “My key is not working. I tried it a million times!”

    Me: “Sir, your key is not working because the people in there have thrown the deadbolt. Therefore, the key will not work unless they open. It’s for the guests’ security.”

    Boyfriend: “I wonder why they would do that?”

    Me: *coughs* “I have no idea. Have you tried their phone?”

    Boyfriend: “Yeah, and they won’t pick up!”

    Me: “Hmmm…”

    Boyfriend: “Maybe you could call their room?”

    (I do so and get no answer. The customer gets even more agitated.)

    Boyfriend: “This is f****** ridiculous, man! I just wanna get into my f****** room, man!”

    Me: “The only thing we can do is go there and knock to see if they will answer.”

    Boyfriend: “Fine! F**k!”

    (Even though I’m not supposed to leave the front desk, the room is not far and I figure only to be away for a minute or so. We go and I knock gently on the door.)

    Me: *calling* “Hello? Anyone there?”

    (Inside, I can hear someone moving around and a radio being turned off.)

    Boyfriend: “HELLO? YO, MAN! IT’S ME, MAN! OPEN UP! I CAN’T GET INSIDE WITHOUT YOU F****** OPENING, MAN!” *bangs on door really loudly*

    (He continues yelling despite me trying to hush him because of disturbing the other guests. The room next door opens and a angry old man glares at us.)

    Old Man: “Shut up! I’m trying to sleep!”

    (The boyfriend ignores him and continues yelling at his friend to open up. Finally, the door opens. Inside I catch a glimpse of the girl and the friend in varying states of undress, staring at us like deer in headlights. I leave quickly, knowing this’ll get ugly soon.)

    Boyfriend: “HEY, MAN! YOU TWO WERE F******?! WHAT THE H***, MAN!”

    (The next day, a very red faced girl checks out with her new boyfriend — the friend, and we get multiple, angry complaints from the angry old man and others about their fighting. The following day, we changed the policy to 21 years and older.)

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