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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Gotta Hand It To Him

    | Campbellton, NB, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (There is a really creepy guy who comes into our store almost every day. He usually just chats with the female staff, telling us all how sexy we are and inviting us over for coffee, and is generally harmless. One day near Halloween I am on a ladder stocking a shelf when I feel someone rubbing my backside. I jump, nearly falling off my ladder, and turned around in time to see the creepy customer, smiling strangely at me.)

    Me: “Excuse me. Did you just touch my bottom?”

    Customer: “Who, me? No. No, not me.”

    Me: “I’m sure someone just touched me, and you were right there. Did you see who it might have been?”

    (The customer then holds up a rubber decorative hand from the Halloween department and looks me dead in the eye.)

    Customer: “It was him… I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! IT WAS THE HAND! Unless you liked it…” *winks at me* “…then it was me.”

    (He walks out holding the fake hand above his head, the whole time shouting to nobody in particular.)

    Customer: “It was the hand! Not me, but the hand! Come over for coffee and see what my hand can do!

    (We didn’t even bother to stop him from walking out without paying for it. The $2 just wasn’t worth it.)

    Not Being Very Adult About It

    | Pasadena, MD, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work at an adult themed store. We close at 10 pm and I have just locked the doors. I have two friends waiting for me in the parking lot, and we start having a conversation. Before we know it, we have been standing around talking for two hours, when a guy in a truck pulls up and gets out of his car.)

    Customer: *pulling on door* “Aw, are you guys closed?”

    Me: “Yeah, we closed two hours ago.”

    Customer: “Well, can you open real quick? I need to buy something.”

    Me: “No, we closed two hours ago. If it was really important you would have come in earlier.”

    Customer: “But it IS important! You should open and let me buy something!”

    Me: “Dude, this is a PORN store. It’s not life threatening, so, no I will not be opening. Buy your sexy-time things elsewhere.”

    Customer: *slinks off embarrassed*

    Underwear Scare

    | Duluth, MN, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Excuse me? I need to get some underwear. I know what I want, but I can’t find it.”

    Me: “Certainly, ma’am. Can you describe the brand to me?”

    Customer: “Well, actually, I’m wearing it right now. Could you just look at it and tell me if you have it?”

    (At this point, in the middle of the sales floor, she literally UNZIPS her pants, pushes them down a little, and pulls out the tag.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I am really not comfortable doing this. If you could go into a fitting room and write down the information on the tag, I would be happy to help you.”

    Customer: “No, just read the tag! It’s right here!”

    (I’m backing away, and she actually manages to CORNER me.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I would have to touch your underwear in order to do that. I’m really not comfortable with that while it’s ON YOUR BODY.”

    Customer: “I don’t see what the big deal is! REACH IN THERE AND READ THE TAG!”

    Me: *squinting and pretending to read, lying through my teeth* “You know what? I think we discontinued that brand a while back. We don’t have this anymore.”

    Customer: “Oh really? That’s a shame. I always liked this underwear.”

    Me: “Yeah, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “Well… have you met Jesus yet?”

    Only Your Pen Required

    | IL, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in an office where I assist clients with their paperwork. I am helping a male customer complete some forms.)

    Me: “All right. Now, we just need you to sign this form at the bottom here, and we’re done.”

    Customer: “What was that?”

    Me: *trying to be friendly* “Just sign here, please. We need your John Hancock.”

    Customer: “John Hancock?”

    Me: “Uh, yes. You know, your signature? Like the guy who signed the Constitution.”

    Customer: “Oh! You want me to sign it. Okay! You know, the first time someone asked me for my John Hancock, I thought they were talking about my…” *he gestures to his groin*

    Me: *quickly* “Oh… oh! No, no, sir! We just need your signature and that’s all!”

    Customer: *laughing* “Yeah, I was pretty confused!”

    Me: *quickly wrapping up his paperwork and not wanting to hear how that story ended* “Yes, sir. Well, you’re all done here. Have a great day!”

    Gives New Meaning To Bag Of Tricks

    | Hervey Bay, QLD, Australia | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I am near the end of a very long shift. A customer comes up so I put my closed sign up. He seems a bit unusual and smells like alcohol but I treated him like any other customer.)

    Me: “Hi. How are you today, sir?”

    Customer: “Good, thanks.”

    (My coworker comes over and tells me to make sure I check his bags at the end of the transaction. I get to the end of the transaction.)

    Me: “All right, sir. Here is your change and I just have to check your bags.”

    Customer: “Oh, sure, yeah.” *opens bag*

    Me: “Yep, that’s okay. Have a great day, sir.”

    Customer: “Yeah. Next time I will put some naughty stuff in there for you like condoms and vibrators.”

    Me: “… Okay, sir. Have a good day.”

    (He left and I told my supervisor. One of my coworkers heard me and told me he has said something like that to her before. She said he bought paw-paw ointment. She asked if he wanted a bag and he said no, that he was going to use it later while he was thinking of her. He is now banned from the store.)


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