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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Concept Of Unlimited Is Limited

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

    (A couple come into the Italian restaurant where I work. I seat them and hand them menus. After a moment, the man waves me over.)

    Me: “Hi there. How can I help you today?”

    Husband: “I don’t see unlimited salad or breadsticks on your menu.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a different restaurant. If you order the garlic bread, though, it comes with a lot of pieces! And our salads are very large.”

    Husband: *to his wife* “I thought you said this place was just like Olive Garden.”

    Wife: “I said it was Italian food like Olive Garden, sweetie. The menu’s not the same.”

    Husband: *looking disappointed* “What’s chicken scallop pine?”

    (I explain a few menu items, all of which he pronounces wrong, and they order. The woman kept giving me apologetic looks the whole time. Later, when I brought their food, the man was in the bathroom.)

    Wife: “Sorry for the problems earlier. He’s not that bright, but he’s so good at other things, if you know what I mean.”

    (I told her it was no problem, but I’m sure I was as red as our marinara sauce. It was really awkward serving them the rest of the meal, but she left a $20 tip.)

    A Major Minor Mishap

    , | Wales, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am 15 years old, and I work in my cousin’s burger van or cafe during the school breaks. Often I will be in the kiosk late at night when all the clubs close while my cousin is still working. One night a group of guys in their 30s comes up, slightly drunk, and ordered a bunch of food.)

    Customer #1: “You having fun tonight?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah. Sure.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, god, leave her alone, dude!”

    Me: *laughs nervously*

    Customer #1: “Oh, come on… Hey, you see that sausage on the hotplate?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah?”

    Customer #1: “I could give you double the sausage on that hotplate if you come back with me.”

    Me: “Oh, is that so?”

    Customer #1: “Oh yeah, totally.”

    (I laugh and let him carry on, his friends just laughing at him.)

    Me: “So, I’m curious. Do you always talk to minors like that?”

    Customer #1: “What?!”

    Me: “Well, I’m 15.”

    (Customer #1 runs off in a hurry without his order, red faced.)

    Customer #2: “Well, he won’t live that down any time soon!”

    Can Give An Inch In A Pinch

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I’m a barista at a well known coffee chain. I only work the opening shift, which means I’m at the store at 5:30 am. This customer comes in around 6:15 am.)

    Me: “Morning. What can I get for you?”

    Customer: “Americano.”

    Me: “Sure. Do you need room for cream?”

    (I think he answers no. I make the Americano, and fill the cup to the top, leaving no room for cream.)

    Me: “Here’s your Americano. Have a great day!”

    Customer: “You call this room?”

    Me: “Sorry! I must have misheard you. I can pour some out for you, if you’d like.”

    Customer: “Yes, please. Pour out about an inch.”

    (I pour out a good inch of the beverage and hand it back to the guy.)

    Customer: “You call this an inch? Clearly men have been lying to you your whole life, dear.”

    (He immediately walks away, while I stand there, suffering from shock.)

    Manager: “Did he just say what I think he said?”

    Cold Callers Versus Hot Heads

    | Yorkshire, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (It is my first week of cold calling people to try to encourage them to buy a kitchen or windows. I do not want to be there, but I need the money.)

    Me: “Hello, am I speaking to the home owner?”

    Customer #1: “Yes?”

    Me: “I’m calling from [Company] to see if [launch into selling script]. So. do you think—”

    Customer #1: “DON’T YOU KNOW MY MOTHER HAS JUST DIED?!” *slams down phone*

    Me: “… No?”

    (I put her on to the don’t call back list despite the fact we’re not meant to do that unless they specifically ask us to because I feel sorry for her despite her rudeness, and let the automated dialer tick to the next cold call.)

    Me: “Hello, am I speaking to the home owner?”

    Customer #2: “Yes, you are. Who is this?”

    Me: “I’m calling from [Company] to see if [launch into selling script]. So. do you think that might be something you’re interested in?”

    Customer #2: “You know, you don’t have to do this. You could go back to college, educate yourself, and get a proper job. You don’t have to waste your life in a call centre.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m studying neurobiology at university.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, well, uh, no. I’m not interested. Sorry. Please remove me from the list. Good luck.”

    (Again, I put him on the no call back list then let the dialer click on…)

    Me: “Hello, am I speaking to the home owner?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Yes…”

    Me: “I’m calling from [Company] to see if [launch into selling script]. So. do you think you might be interested?”

    Customer: “Actually, maybe. Tell me more. What does it involve?”

    (The customer gets me to answer loads of questions, sounds really interested, and I begin to hope my day might turn round and I might finally check off the measly £1 bonus for getting someone to book a visit for a quote.)

    Customer: “Brilliant, thank you for that. Can you do me one last favour?”

    Me: “Absolutely, sir!”

    Customer: “Good. Can you F*** OFF?!” *slams down the phone*

    (I put him on the urgent call back list, meaning he’ll be called the next day around lunch time, and if he’s still rude to whoever is unfortunate enough to get him they will probably do the exact same thing. If you’re going to be a jerk to cold callers, remember we are human beings, too. Politeness gets you much further and it costs nothing to say nicely ‘I’m not interested; please take me off your lists.’ I started job hunting that night and left three weeks later.)

    A Seedy CD

    | CT, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (Part of the territory of working in a copy and print shop is you are going to see some ‘private’ photos sometimes. While you are allowed to refuse to print something you are uncomfortable with, most of us don’t care and just turn the print upside-down once done to avoid offending other customers. On this particular day, a regular customer comes in, who we all know manages a ‘gentleman’s club’ in town.)

    Customer: “Okay, the image is on this CD, it should be the only one there.”

    Me: “Okay. Let me just look at it on the computer before you go, so I know it’s the right one and it copied to the disk properly.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: *realizing immediately that I can’t describe this image in front of other customers* “Er… sir, do you want to come around the counter and look to make sure the image is correct?”

    Customer: *very loudly* “IS IT A MIDGET STRIPPING?”

    Me: “…  Yes. Yes, in fact, it is…”

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