For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.
(A customer arrives at the drive-thru window.)
Customer: “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure what it is I want, but I know it’s flat and it has caramel and whip cream and it’s a cappuccino.”
Me: “I think I know what you want. It’s blended and frozen, like a milkshake but with coffee.”
Customer: “Maybe, I’m just not sure. I always get my granddaughter to order it for me because she speaks the coffee language.”
(This goes on until I convince her to just come to the window and describe it to me in person. One of my fellow baristas helps her to realize that she does, in fact, want what I think she wants).
Customer: “Yeah, one of those crappuccinos. That’s it…”
Customer: “Wow, I haven’t been to this theater since that movie Sex in the Time of Gonorrhea!”
Me: “Um, what?”
Customer: “Oops! I mean Love! Love in the Time of Gonorrhea“.
Customer’s Friend: “I think you mean Love in the Time of Cholera.”
Customer: “Isn’t that what I said?”
(I’m waiting to pick up my friend from her shift, when a customer comments on her.)
Customer: “There’s something strange about that lady over there.”
Me: “She’s a wonderful tea-brewer.”
Customer: “Well, there’s something strange about her appearance.”
Me: “Oh, she gets a lot of questions about that. That’s because she was originally born a man.”
Me: “As in, she’s a transsexual.”
Customer: “Oh! Does she sing?”
Me: “Hello, this is–”
Caller: “Baby, what are you doing? Want to come over later?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: *laughs* “You heard me, baby.”
Me: “Sir, I think you may have the wrong number. This is a deli.”
Caller: “Woah, are you serious?”
Me: “Yes, sir.”
Caller: “I’m so sorry!”
Me: “It’s okay.”
Caller: “So…do you want to come over?
(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)
Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”
Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.
Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”
Me: “Which button are you clicking? The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”
Client: “Why does that matter?”
Me: “Well if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”
Client: “F***!” *hangs up*