October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Will Need To Waive The Wave Excuse

| Spokane, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

(I am a security officer at a medical insurance facility. The street we are located on isn’t exactly reputable, and we get a lot of trouble from ‘ladies of the evening’ attempting to solicit our clients or even our associates. While on patrol, I notice one of our repeat offenders very blatantly trying to flag down traffic.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you’re not here as a client, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Lady: “No, it’s fine; I’m not even doing anything.” *continues to wave*

Me: “Ma’am, this is a private campus. You can’t—”

Lady: “No, really, it’s fine.”

Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t leave, I’ll have to call the police on you for trespassing—”

Lady: *now getting rather heated* “I’m not doing anything wrong!”

Me: “Then what are you doing here, trying to wave down traffic?”

Lady: *without hesitation* “I’m not waving down traffic. I’m waving at the wind!”

(There is a long pause as the woman apparently processed how stupid this sounded. She then smiled, and quickly walked away. To this day I’m still not sure this was spur of the moment, or worse, a rehearsed excuse.)

Not Mature About Manure

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(I work in a store that sells gardening supplies and fertilizer. A customer calls our store.)

Me: “Hello! [Store], how may I help you today?”

Customer: “This may sound odd, but do you do… special orders?”

Me: “Yes, sir, what are you looking for exactly?”

Customer: “You see, my neighbour’s f******g kid decided to take a dump on my lawn as a prank, so I was wondering, do you… happen to make fertilizer out of human waste?”

(Thinking it was a prank, I decided to end the call.)

Me: “…No, sir. Have a good day.”

(30 seconds later, he calls back.)

Me: “Hello! [Store], how may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hey, remember me? I wasn’t kidding about that thing.”

Me: “I am so sorry—”

Customer: “Listen, you b***! I need sweet revenge on this kid! He has been bothering me FOR MONTHS! Just make that s*** fertilizer and send it to his door for a ‘nice’ surprise. I need a good laugh.”

Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate you using a vulgar term, and NO, we will not even consider your request! Stop being an a** and don’t call back again!”

Fifty Shades Of Dark Knight

| Markham, ON, Canada | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

(A woman comes into the store.)

Customer: “I need the latest Harlequin book!”

Me: “Of course. Do you know the title or author?”

Customer: “No. But it’s the latest one!”

(In the spirit of providing good customer service, I quickly retrieve the latest Harlequin releases to show the woman. Upon seeing the books, the customer gives me a very unexpected response:)

Customer: “NO! NO! This is wrong! I want the one with Batman!”

(Fortunately, the Batman reference tells me what the customer is ACTUALLY looking for.)

Me: “Ah. You want the latest HARLEY QUINN comic book.”

Customer: “That’s what I said! Harlequin!”

(The wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable determines whether you get a comic book, or an erotic novel.)

A Diminishing Set Of Returns

, | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I am working the drive-thru pretty late at night. A man that seems to be in his mid-20’s pulls up.)

Customer: “I’d like to order [Item].”

Me: “Sure, would you like a drink with that?”

Customer: “A Coke.”

(He deliberately mispronounces it so it sounds like something a lot ruder and snickers.)

Me: “Ah, sure. What size?”

Customer: “I don’t know. What size do YOU think it is? What size suits me?”

(At this point I’m fed up with his poor attempt at innuendo.)

Me: “Well, sir, we don’t have an extra small, but I can give you a small. Please drive through.”

(He shut up pretty quickly, and didn’t even speak to me for the rest of the transaction. I served him a few times after that and he was always very quiet!)

Avoid A Shake With The Snake

| WA, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(It’s Valentine’s day and my boyfriend and I are at a restaurant. While we are waiting for a table, we go to a pet store next door where we hold a ball python. After we get seated, he gets up to go the bathroom to wash his hands. On his way, he passes a waiter that we know well.)

Waiter: “Hey, man, how’s it going?” *sticks out his hand to shake*

Boyfriend: “Sorry, man, I’d shake but I was just playing with a python.”

(It didn’t the hit him until he was in the bathroom how dirty it sounded.)

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