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  • Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Give Them An Inch And They’ll Take A Vile

    | Duluth, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I take a phone call for someone in the bedding department:)

    Customer: “I’m looking for a white duvet, but I need it to cover a bedspread that is 96 x 114. I can’t seem to find anything that will fit.”

    Me: “The closest thing I have is only 104″, but I think you could fit an extra 10″ in just fine.”

    Customer: “Oh, believe me, honey. I’ve stuffed 10″ in before!”

    Me: *stunned silence*

    Customer: *laughing* “What did you say your name was? I am definitely going to find you when I come in to the store!”

    Me: “Um, I think I can have it waiting at the checkout for you.”

    Number-Crusher

    | Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

    (I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

    Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

    Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

    Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

    Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

    Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

    Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

    Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

    Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

    Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque

    (Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

    Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

    Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

    Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

    Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

    Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

    Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

    (The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

    Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

    Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

    Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

    Exposed For What It Really Is

    | CA, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working the opening shift at a chain coffee shop. It’s six am and I’m prepping for the morning rush at the bar.)

    Female Customer: *quietly and embarrassed* “Hi. So, that man sitting outside by the window over there… I think he has his penis outside of his pants.”

    (I look over and it’s a regular customer who pops in throughout the day. I turn back to her.)

    Me: “Him, over there?”

    Female Customer: ” Yes. I don’t know if maybe a male employee can go check and see?”

    (I summon my male shift lead, who is confused at the accusation.)

    Me: “If it’s true, I don’t want to know that much about him. Will you take a peek so I can help this woman feel, you know, not sexually harassed?”

    (He reluctantly goes outside and talks to our regular and quickly heads back inside holding back a smile.)

    Shift Lead: “He’s holding his sunglasses case in his lap.”

    (The case was the exact same color as his skin tone. We told him about it later and all cracked up.)

    18 And Blunder, Part 3

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Family & Kids, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a satellite call center and help customers with billing as well as tech support. A customer calls in upset about her last bill.)

    Customer: “My bill is only supposed to be $67.99 a month and this month it was over $700!! I had to come home early to have time to call you about this. What are you people trying to pull on me!?”

    Me: “I will me more than happy to look at this for you as I can definitely see why this would make you upset.

    (I can immediately see the issue: two to three adult pay-per-view movies at $17.99 each have been ordered several times a day for the last two weeks.)

    Me: Looking at the bill, I think I see exactly where the problem is. Do you or your husband watch any um… mature themed movies?”

    Customer: “What!? I don’t watch that smut and besides, it’s just my son and I who live here! I don’t like what you’re insinuating! I demand you remove these charges!!”

    Me: *catching on almost immediately as I have two older sons myself* “Ahh, I think I might see the problem ma’am. Let me ask you this if I may… How old is your son?”

    Customer: “Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s 13.”

    Me: “Uh huh. And if I might ask, what time does he get out of school?”

    Customer: “He gets out of school at about two, and then gets rights to studying in his room. He’s going to go to college when he’s older. He’s absolutely brilliant. He studies all day long in there.”

    Me: “Right. Well, the reason I ask is because I can see the time these movies are ordered AND the receiver that they are ordered on. Ma’am, it looks like ALL of them are ordered on the receiver in one of the bedrooms, and ALL between the times of around 2:15 pm and about 4:30 pm. About what time do you normally get home from work, if you don’t mind me asking?”

    Customer: *getting livid about now* “Now look here, missy! I don’t like the idea that you think my son is watching that smut on TV and I most certainly don’t like the idea that you think that I would tolerate that in a Christian house like mine. I demand that you both remove this… this… filth from my bill and apologize to me for even thinking that my boy would even know what some of this… this… stuff even is!!”

    (As she’s ranting on about her beautiful, pure, Christian son I see yet another expensive adult PPV being ordered so I interrupt her tirade.)

    Me: “Ma’am! I don’t want to be rude, but is your son home right now?”

    Customer: “Yes, he is!”

    Me: “Good! Because, I see another of these movies is being ordered right now. So do this: just go in and tell me what you see, and if it’s not porn, I’ll be more than happy to remove every one of these charges.”

    Customer: “Fine! I’ll show you that my son is a good boy and—” *I hear a door open*

    Son: “MOM!” *call drops*

    (I laugh my a** off for five minutes. And no, I didn’t credit even one PPV charge.)

    Related:
    18 And Blunder, Part 2
    18 And Blunder

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