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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Toiling In The Toilet

    | TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with tonight?”

    Customer: “Listen, this is going to be an odd request, but I need you to bring me some toilet paper.”

    Me: *already knowing this is a prank call* “I wish I could, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, why can’t you?”

    Me: “Because I’m not at your house, sir.”

    Customer: “No, see, I’m not at my house. I’m in the back.”

    Me: “In the back… of one of our stores?”

    Customer: “Yes. And there’s no toilet paper back here, so I need you to bring me some.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. And which store are you located at?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Listen… why are you playing games with me?”

    Me: “I’m not, sir. I’m simply asking because the store you are in may not be located in the same place, or the same state, that I’m in.”

    Customer: *long pause* “F*** it, I’m just going to use my hand.”  *click*

    Not A Picture Perfect Way To Advertise

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I’m new a programmer at a company that sells high end hardware for scanning, printing and capturing images. This is back in the DOS days, before it was common to do that. We have written a utility to convert images between different formats, to display them on PCs. This was also before the Internet has really taken off.)

    Me: “[Company]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah. I was wondering where I can get some more pictures.”

    Me: “Pictures? Do you mean you’re looking to purchase a scanner? I can transfer you to a salesperson.”

    Caller: “No. I’m looking for some more pictures. Like I found on the BBS.”

    Me: “BBS? I’m not sure what BBS you’re talking about? Our company doesn’t run a BBS.”

    Caller: “I downloaded these pictures, and this phone number is on a bunch of them.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know what pictures you’re talking about.”

    Caller: “So, you don’t have any more pictures?”

    Me: “Hang on. Let me ask around. I’ll see if anyone knows what you’re talking about.

    (I put him on hold and walk across the hall to a coworker’s office.)

    Me: “I’ve got this guy on hold who’s asking about more pictures, like he downloaded from a BBS. Do you know what he’s talking about?”

    Coworker: *sighs and shakes his head* “That’s him on line one? *picks up the phone* “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have any more pictures. No, sir, we actually have nothing to do with them. Yes, I’m sure. Goodbye.”

    Coworker: *to me* “A couple of years ago, someone negotiated with [Company Owner] for a free copy of our image conversion utility. In exchange, the guy agreed to put our phone number on every picture he converted with our software. Unfortunately, [Company Owner] had not bothered to ask what kind of pictures he was converting. It turned out, this guy runs one of the largest BBS systems in the country, filled with porn. Over the years, we’ve gotten calls from as far away as South Africa looking for more pictures of naked women.”

    He Is Weigh Out Of Line

    , | WA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

    (It is a few days before Christmas. One of my coworkers is nearby.)

    Me: “Hi there, sir. Are you finding everything all right?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’m just trying to decide which size sweater would fit my wife better.”

    Me: “Do you know what size she normally wears?”

    Customer: “Not really, but she is bigger than you… especially in the breasts… She is more like your size!” *gesturing to my coworker*

    (Turns around to address my coworker.)

    Customer: “What do you weigh?”

    Not So Nuts About The Innuendo

    | Medford, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (At our store, we have a rack of potato chips, peanuts, and other snacks that is a few steps away from the register. The customer puts a six-pack of beer on the counter, then steps away to grab something off the rack and comes back to the counter with some peanuts.)

    Customer: “You really should put your nuts on the counter.”

    Me: “I’m not sure how to respond to that.” *hoping he’d get how awkward it sounded, and laugh it off*

    Customer: “I might grab them more often, if you did.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Yeah, they’re probably just fine right where they are.”

    (I’m pretty sure this guy was just clueless about what he said and not actually hitting on me!)

    Hard Ballin’

    | Malta | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I work as a radiographer in the MRI suite. Since the MRI is a powerful magnet, we have to screen patients in case they have any metal implants.)

    Me: “Have you had any operations?”

    Patient: “Sure. Nothing major. though.”

    Me: “Do you have any metal implants?”

    Patient: “I should hope not! I was operated on my balls!”

    (We looked at each other in silence, with me trying to remain as serious and as professional as possible. Sadly, I failed.)

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