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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Customers Should Stop Causing Ripples

    | Athens, GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Excuse me, lifeguard?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I think there’s a…” *whispers* “…sex toy at the bottom of the pool!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “A you know…” *whispers again* “vibrator!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s children’s torpedo toy.”

    Customer: “Not a vibrator? Oh darn. I really needed one too.”

    Managers Are Used To Spot Checks

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (Our tea shop closes at 9pm. The time is currently 9:10. There is one couple and their child still in the store. I am cleaning the bathroom. The customer opens the bathroom door.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I’m cleaning this bathroom.”

    Customer: “But my son has to go.”

    Me: “I’m using bleach, it’s very dangerous here. I can’t let you use the bathroom.”

    Customer: “But my son has to go!”

    Me: “I can’t let you use it. We’re already closed and I have to finish cleaning.”

    Customer: *to another employee* “Your crazy cleaning lady won’t let my son use the bathroom. Can I speak to your manager?”

    Co-worker: “That was the manager.”

    (The customer silently grabs his wife and son and walks out without another word.)

    Rectify The Situation

    | UK | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Hi there, do you sell rectums?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Rectums. I need a rectum. do you sell them?”

    Me: “Why do you need it?”

    Customer: “I have some tablets here and it says ‘insert via rectum’ and as I don’t have one, I thought I better buy one.”

    Me: “I think I better call the pharmacist in.”

    (I call the pharmacist in who explains to the man exactly what a rectum is. He leaves red faced.)

    Related:
    Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Bungholio!

    Those Who Have Impotence Will Never Lose Their Flower

    | Thomasville, NC, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have impotence?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Impotence? Do you have impotence?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Everything seems to be in working order.”

    (The customer walks away and several minutes later I find her out front waving a pack of flowers.)

    Customer: *yelling and smiling* “Here it is! I’ve found your impotence!”

    (The flowers she had found were Impatiens.)

    Don’t Ask For Chocolate Drops

    | New Jersey, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (A customer arrives at the drive-thru window.)

    Customer: “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure what it is I want, but I know it’s flat and it has caramel and whip cream and it’s a cappuccino.”

    Me: “I think I know what you want. It’s blended and frozen, like a milkshake but with coffee.”

    Customer: “Maybe, I’m just not sure. I always get my granddaughter to order it for me because she speaks the coffee language.”

    (This goes on until I convince her to just come to the window and describe it to me in person. One of my fellow baristas helps her to realize that she does, in fact, want what I think she wants).

    Customer: “Yeah, one of those crappuccinos. That’s it…”


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