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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Curiosity Kilt The (Peeping Tom)Cat

    | New Jersey, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m working mall security when a hysterical woman comes up to me. She’s making no sense, but she keeps mentioning the word ‘quilt’.)

    Customer: “Quick! Quick!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

    (The customer finally composes herself enough to form coherent sentences.)

    Customer: “There’s a man walking around in a quilt with nothing underneath it! You have to throw him out!”

    (Thinking she means there’s a flasher in the mall, I follow her to the food court. The customer grows more hysterical as we approach. There is nobody matching her description.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t–”

    (She angrily points at a man in Scottish attire quietly enjoying a coffee.)

    Customer: “There he is! He’s scaring the children walking around like that!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please stop shouting. There is nothing illegal about his way of dress and there certainly is no telling whether or not he’s wearing anything underneath.”

    (At this point the man in question approaches us.)

    Man: “I wish to lodge a complaint against this woman. She’s been following me around and trying to get a look at…well…” *gestures at his kilt*

    Me: “Ma’am, is this true?”

    (The woman turns bright red and starts fidgeting uncomfortably.)

    Customer: “Well, I…but…what about the children?!” *storms off*

    The Birds, The Bees, And The Brutally Honest

    | Brooklyn, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (A little boy is wandering around unattended, touching all the TVs.)

    Me: “Where’s your mom or dad?”

    Boy: “Well, my mom’s over there.” *points to mother*

    Me: “Okay, why don’t you go over to her?”

    Boy: “Yeah, sure. By the way, I don’t know who my dad is. My mom was a hooker.”

    Like My Antiques, I Need Love Too

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA | Rude & Risque

    (We rent out individual spaces to people. A new dealer has just moved in and is about to leave the store. Note that she is about 70 years old and I am 30.)

    Dealer: “Okay, I guess you have to inspect my bags before I leave.”

    Me: “Yeah, we do.”

    (It looks like a bunch of moving supplies and paper.)

    Dealer: “Are you going to frisk me?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Dealer: “Well, it says you check everything at the door. I figured you’d check me too.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we check your bags and boxes, but not you. I’m not going to frisk you, as that is inappropriate.”

    Dealer: “Well, it’s been a while for me, dear. You can feel what you want.”

    Me: “I’d like to keep my job without a sexual harassment complaint on the record. We’ll just see you next time.”

    Dealer: “Oh, come on! It’s been so long!”

    (Her 80 year-old husband is standing there laughing the entire time.)

    I’d Be Loin If I Said Didn’t Like Your Package

    | Illinois, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I work in a specialty meat shop. An older man orders several specific cuts of meat, including a pork loin cut into chops. It is store policy that we ask the customers how they want each item wrapped. When the chops are ready, I overhear this exchange between the customer and a female coworker.)

    Coworker: “Sir, how would you want your loin packaged?”

    Customer: “Are you propositioning me?”

    Coworker: *speechless*

    (Everyone else in the shop bursts into laughter.)

    Doing Favors On Your Knees, Part 2

    | Richmond, Virginia, USA | Books & Reading, Rude & Risque

    (It’s summer and I am very obviously pregnant at about 7 months. A male customer walks by and notices my belly.)

    Customer: “It’s the wrong time of year for that!”

    Me: “Oh, believe me, I know.”

    (He walks off to browse and I continue setting up an end cap display which includes some very low shelves. As it’s rather hard to bend down at 7 months pregnant, I’m now kneeling on the floor to put things on the bottom shelves. The same customer walks by again.)

    Customer: “Well, you know, that’s what got you into trouble in the first place.”

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    Doing Favors On Your Knees

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