Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

A Dick By Any Other Name

| New Jersey, USA | Rude & Risque

Me: “May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “When your order is ready to be collected, we call you by name.”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my name!”

Me: “Well, give me a name that we can refer to you by.”

Customer: “I’m not giving you my name!”

Me: “It doesn’t have to be your real name. I just need a name we can announce over the speaker so you know when to pick up your order.”

Customer: “Why would I respond to a name that’s not mine?”

Me: “Well, give us something that we can call you by.”

Customer: “Then, how would I remember that’s me?”

Me: “You can write it down.”

Customer: “Okay, call me Dick. I’m pretty sure I can remember that. I’ll be holding mine until you call.”

The Only Reason To Read Anyway

| England, UK | Books & Reading, Rude & Risque

(A young teenage girl has been standing perplexed looking at the front covers of two books, “Twilight” and “Vampire Diaries”.)

Me: “Having trouble finding a book?”

Customer: “No, I’m just trying to work out which of these has the best sex scenes in them.”

More Pressing Issues

| Fayetteville, AR, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am a female employee at a sporting goods store. A elderly male with a noticeable limp comes in.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Yes. I need something for support.”

Me: “Oh, yes, we keep all of the supporters on this wall.”

(I indicate the various supporters: knees, shins, etc. He begins to look at the different kinds, before picking up a simple knee strap that is basically a thin velcro band. He opens and examines it.)

Customer: “So this just straps around?”

Me: “Yes, sir. It’s got velcro on the back so you can adjust the size and fasten it.”

(There is a long pause as he looks like he’s trying to figure out how it works.)

Customer: “So, how does this protect the testicles?”

(I promptly direct him towards the cups and find a male employee to help him.)

Homophones Are Never As Satisfying

| Toronto, Canada | Books & Reading, Rude & Risque

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any copies of Sexadon?”

Me: “Do you mean Sex At Dawn? It’s a bestseller.”

Customer: “No, I’m pretty sure the one I want is titled Sexadon. You know, like the dinosaur of sex?”

(For the heck of it, I double-check our inventory, the Books In Print index, and all the Amazons. There is no book called Sexadon.)

Customer: *disappointed* “Man, I really thought that was the title.”

(In the end, he bought Sex At Dawn, but clearly wasn’t happy about it!)

Related:
Of All The Moments For Freud To Slip

Not A Measure Of Intelligence

| New Hampshire, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am helping a customer load some insulation. We were unsure if it would fit. This occurs after it did, in fact, fit.)

Customer: “The insulation fit by like that much huh?”

(The customer holds out hands gesturing about a foot in length.)

Me: “Yeah, I guess so!”

Customer: “Wanna know how I knew it would fit?”

Me: “How?”

Customer: “Because that’s the size of my c–”

Me: “OKAY! Have a good day!”

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