Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Buy One Euphemism, Get The Second One Free

| Vermont, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m a rather busty female and I work in a grocery store. An elderly man walks up to my register with his cart.)

Customer: “Well, I see you got new jugs!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “New jugs. I quite like ’em. Better grip. Oh, yeah, much better grip.”

Me: *stares wide-eyed*

Customer: *places two bottles of prune juice on the counter*

Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. They redid the bottles on those. New jugs.”

Customer: “Mmmm. Prune juice. I quite like it. Keeps me regular.”

Shocking Mystery Solved

| Phoenix, AZ, USA | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work in the call center of a public library. Occasionally, we get strange callers just because it is free and we are required to talk to them.)

Caller: “You need to help me! The Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”

Me: “Um, this is a library, I’m not sure what—”

Caller: “You have to help me! I called the police but they won’t help me. They say I’m crazy. It’s the Mormons! They keep shocking my genitals!”

Me: “Well, uh, let me put you on hold for a second.”

(I put her on hold and call out the situation to the other librarians in the call center. One of them happens to be Mormon.)

Me: “I have a caller who claims Mormons are shocking her genitals through her windows.”

Mormon coworker: “We are.”

Vegetable Innuendos

| Chico, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I’m at the farmer’s market selling cucumbers when two little old ladies come up.)

Little Old Lady #1: “Those are some nice cucumbers.”

Little Old Lady #2, to #1: “I’ve got a nice bug cucumber back at home for you.”

Little Old Lady #1, to me: “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

Also Check Out The Endless “What People Think I Do” Charts

, | Ohio, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am a customer at a restaurant. I’m wearing a shirt from a popular web comic. A woman, also a customer, approaches me.)

Customer: “I love your shirt!”

Me: “Aw, thanks! Are you a fan of [web comic]?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never heard of it, but your shirt is so cute. I just have to have one! Where did you get it?”

Me: “I bought it online. Do you want the name of the website?”

Customer: *suddenly huffy and angry* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Um, do you want the name of the place on the internet that I ordered the shirt from?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? Are you trying to trick me? There’s no such thing as a website with shirts on it! The only things on the internet are porn and pedophiles!”

Me: *completely speechless*

Nearby customer: “Ma’am, could you please settle down? There are children around, and I’m sure their parents don’t want them hearing about–”

Customer: “Porn and pedophiles!” *rushes out of restaurant*

Plundered Pleasures

| USA | Rude & Risque

(I work in a department that deals with mail theft, identity theft, etc.)

Customer: “This cost me $1000!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear it hasn’t arrived yet.”

Customer: “They stole it! They knew it was the ‘pleasurable things’!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “D*** them! They stole the ‘pleasurable things’ to go in my special lady parts! I want you to tell the inspectors that!”

Me: “I’ve put that in the notes.”

Customer: “Read it back to me!”

Me: *reading my notes*She has not received a package of personal items valued at $1000.”

Customer: “That’s not right! You didn’t put in the bit about my special lady parts!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I was just summ—”

Customer: “Tell them they stole the ‘pleasurable stuff’ for my special lady parts!”

Me: “Okay, it now reads, ‘She has not received $1000 of pleasurable stuff for her special lady parts. She suspects that the postal workers were the thieves.'”

Customer: “GOOD!”

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