October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Then Again, They’re Not Wearing Pants

| Yuma, AZ, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

Me: “Welcome to [theater name].”

Customer: “Two tickets to Chippendales.”

Me: *brief moment of silence* “Um…what?”

Customer: “I said I would like two tickets for Alvin and the Chippendales!”

Me: “Do you mean Alvin and the Chipmunks?”

Customer: “Whatever, just give me two tickets to that movie!”

March Monthly Roundup: Booze, Beaus, Bongs, Bigots, & Bindings

, , , , | Not Always Right | Bigotry, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Roundups, Rude & Risque, Underaged

In addition to our weekly roundups, each month we’ll be sharing our most popular reader-voted stories.

March Monthly Roundup: This month, we share five stories that show that customers can be bad, but at least they’re not boring!

  1. She Fought The Law, And The Law Won, Part 2:
    Think you’re going to buy booze for your underaged, 16-year-old daughter? Not on this liquor store employee’s watch!
  2. When Press Comes To Shove:
    A blustery customer counts on berating an employee to get his way; what he didn’t count on: the employee’s 6’5″, 250-lb. fiance waiting in the back.
  3. The Height Of (Mt.) Misogyny:
    Misogynists really should go jump off a cliff, but this sexist customer probably couldn’t make it to the top anyway.
  4. Weeding Out The Dumb Ones, Part 2:
    Either this guy’s in the wrong shop, or those are the LARGEST. BONGS. EVER.
  5. So Good She Doesn’t Need A Weapon:
    A little girl learns that although diamonds are forever, mommy’s handcuffs are for her eyes only.

Eau De Hoo Ha

| Clarksville, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

(A elderly woman approaches the counter and I greet her.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like to try a sample of our new fragrance?”

Customer: “Actually, I was looking to buy some Juicy Cooter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “It’s my granddaughter’s birthday. It’s coming up and she said she wanted that new Juicy Cooter perfume.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Oh you mean Juicy Couture? Yes, we carry that.”

Customer: “No, not the French one! Just show me your Juicy Cooter!”

Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 3

, | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at a store that sells area rugs. We take a fair amount of phone calls from people who have questions regarding area rugs.)

Me: “[Store], this is [name].”

Caller: “Hello? I have a question. Can you help me?”

Me: “Of course, what is your question?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to stay up!”

Me: “Oh…um…okay. What do you mean?”

Customer: “My area rug! It’s old and I love it, but recently I can’t get it to stay up. The…what are they called? Fibers? They are all crushed and won’t stay up!”

Me: “Oh, I see.”

Customer: “I’ve been vacuuming it non-stop on all the different settings. It’s not as stiff and thick as it used to be. No matter how hard I suck, it just won’t stay up!”

Me: *trying to stay composed* “Alright, well that does tend to happen with age. Rugs tend to get pile-crushing after long periods of heavy traffic.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can’t get it up because it’s old?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is exactly what I’m telling you.”

(I manage to keep it together for the rest of the conversation. However, my manager, who can hear the entire exchange, is cracking-up next to me the entire time. The innuendo was much thicker than her rug!)

Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer

The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Back Pain

| California, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at the fitting rooms of a retail store. Two women are trying on bathing suits. They each have had obvious plastic surgery and enormous racks.)

Customer #1: *dumps a pile of bikinis on my desk* “None of these fit! It’s ridiculous that your store doesn’t carry anything to fit me.”

Customer #2: “Don’t waste your breath…she wouldn’t understand. Look at how tiny her boobs are!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer #1: “Honey, let me give you my brother’s card. He can give you MUCH better boobs.”

Customer #2: “He did mine too! Look how bouncy they are!” *jiggles chest*

Me: “I’m…okay with C-cups, thanks.”

Customer #1: “Call him if you change your mind! Life is better with huge boobs!”

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