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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    More Than Just Your Car Needs Cleaning

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Hi, how are you today? Do you have your receipt?”

    Customer: “Here you go. Do you all do any detailing here?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t. I can recommend a place.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I just really need to get my car sodomized.”

    Me: “Sorry, what?”

    Manager: *walks in*

    Customer, to my manager: “Do you know a good sodomizer? It’s been ages since I had it done.”

    Manager: *walks out*

    Feel-up On Aisle 5

    | South Paris, ME, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am dusting and organizing a shelf when someone comes up and punches me in the back really hard, twice. So hard, in fact, that the wind is knocked out of me. I turn around and there’s a man I’ve never seen before.)

    Customer: “Oops…sorry! Thought you were someone else!” *walks off*

    (My coworker runs over to me to see what’s going on.)

    Coworker: “Did he just hit you? What was that about?”

    Me: “Yeah…he said he thought I was someone else.”

    Coworker: “Why don’t you go sit out back for a minute and maybe have some water? I’m going to go tell [manager] what happened!”

    (I go out back for a minute or two. Suddenly, I hear people yelling and come back in. I see the manager chasing the man who had hit me out of the store and yelling that he was calling the police.)

    Me: “What is going on?”

    Coworker: “Well, I was on my way to speak to [manager] when a customer stopped me. That guy came up behind me and squeezed my left boob! Then he said, ‘Oops…sorry! Thought you were someone else!’ and walked off. I ran up to [manager] and then [coworker #2] came running up and said the same guy had just grabbed him in the crotch and had said the same thing!”

    Me: “Wow! I guess I got off easy!”

    Deposit Your Checks And Emotions Here

    | Madison, WI, USA | Rude & Risque

    Me: “You have [amount] available on your debit card.”

    Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, make the past not happen.”

    Me: “I wish I could!”

    Customer: “Yeah, especially ’cause I just broke up with my girlfriend.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “After three years!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s tough. Well, keep your chin up.”

    Customer: “Yeah, she called me while she was having sex with some other guy.”

    Me: *speechless*

    For The FBI, The M.O. On This PDF Is TBD

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    Customer: “My pedophile won’t print.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I sent my pedophile to print but it won’t come out the printer.”

    Me: “Oh, you mean PDF file? As in Adobe PDF?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that.”

    You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4

    | Texas, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer care. This is [name]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “F*** you.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?

    Customer: “You heard me. F*** you. F*** you and your stupid f***ing g**d**** company. You are all a bunch of pieces of s***, and I hope you rot in h***.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry you feel that way. Now, if you continue to talk like that, I will have to disconnect this call. However, I don’t want to do that. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah. You can give me back my g**d**** money.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. Let me look up your account. What’s your first and last name?”

    Customer: “My name is ‘Give Me My Money’.”

    Me: “Sir, I am trying to process the refund for you. However, without your name, I cannot locate your account. Now, what’s your first and last name?”

    Customer: “It’s [name]. You guys are nothing but a bunch of thieves and scammers. Does it feel good that you know that you’re going to h***?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but please do not speak to me in such a way. The next time I will disconnect the call.”

    (I check for his name.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I was not able to locate your account.”

    Customer: “What? That’s f***ing bulls***! You better give me my g**d**** money back right f***ing now, or I swear to God I’m gonna f***ing bomb you and your family!”

    Me: “Now, sir, threats like that can be taken to authorities as all these calls are recorded. What system did you use?”

    Customer: “I’m not going to tell you that. That’s stupid. You know my name, so you should see what I have purchased.”

    Me: “Sir, I apologize I was not able to find your name. However, we have multiple products with multiple prices. If you can give me the product name, I can locate the account’s history and see if there is a transaction under your name.”

    Customer: “It’s the [product name].”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have a product with that name.”

    Customer: “What the f*** do you mean that you don’t have a product with that name?! I knew it was a f***ing scam! I’m out $700 dollars now. F*** you and your f***ing company! Kiss my a**!”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t have anything priced like that either. What company are you calling?”

    Customer: *says company name*

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our company. Our company name is [name].”

    Customer: “Bulls***!” *pauses* “Oh, whoops. I do have the wrong number. Sorry about that. You have a nice day.”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number


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