July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 3

, | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at a store that sells area rugs. We take a fair amount of phone calls from people who have questions regarding area rugs.)

Me: “[Store], this is [name].”

Caller: “Hello? I have a question. Can you help me?”

Me: “Of course, what is your question?”

Caller: “I can’t get it to stay up!”

Me: “Oh…um…okay. What do you mean?”

Customer: “My area rug! It’s old and I love it, but recently I can’t get it to stay up. The…what are they called? Fibers? They are all crushed and won’t stay up!”

Me: “Oh, I see.”

Customer: “I’ve been vacuuming it non-stop on all the different settings. It’s not as stiff and thick as it used to be. No matter how hard I suck, it just won’t stay up!”

Me: *trying to stay composed* “Alright, well that does tend to happen with age. Rugs tend to get pile-crushing after long periods of heavy traffic.”

Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can’t get it up because it’s old?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is exactly what I’m telling you.”

(I manage to keep it together for the rest of the conversation. However, my manager, who can hear the entire exchange, is cracking-up next to me the entire time. The innuendo was much thicker than her rug!)

Related:
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2
Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer

The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Back Pain

| California, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at the fitting rooms of a retail store. Two women are trying on bathing suits. They each have had obvious plastic surgery and enormous racks.)

Customer #1: *dumps a pile of bikinis on my desk* “None of these fit! It’s ridiculous that your store doesn’t carry anything to fit me.”

Customer #2: “Don’t waste your breath…she wouldn’t understand. Look at how tiny her boobs are!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer #1: “Honey, let me give you my brother’s card. He can give you MUCH better boobs.”

Customer #2: “He did mine too! Look how bouncy they are!” *jiggles chest*

Me: “I’m…okay with C-cups, thanks.”

Customer #1: “Call him if you change your mind! Life is better with huge boobs!”

Nocturnal Provisions

| Australia | Rude & Risque

(I work at an all-night internet cafe. We get a few customers come in late at night to watch adult movies. One night, I get a phone call along these lines.)

Caller: “Hi, do you have webcams I can use?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “What about tissues?”

Me: “Sorry, what was that?”

Caller: *muffled laughter* “Tissues. Do you guys have tissues?”

Me: *catching on* “Yes, sir…but you have to bring your own Vaseline.”

Be Careful What You Assk For

| UK | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I want some anus anus.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I want some anus anus!” *points to a bottle of Anais Anais, pronounced “ah-nah-iss”*

Me: “Oh, yes, sorry. That’ll be [price]!”

Someone’s Been Sliced Down To Size

| Sarasota, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

Customer: “Can I have this loaf of bread sliced?”

Me: “Absolutely. Would you like that sliced thin or regular?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what you call it, but I want it sliced like this…”

(He pulls slice of bread from his pocket and hands it to me.)

Customer: “You can keep that. The wife and I couldn’t agree on how thick it was, so I thought it would be best to bring in a piece from the last loaf and let an expert look at it. ”

(At this point I’m a little dumbfounded, and trying hard to keep a straight face.)

Customer: “Yeah, the wife’s idea of four inches and my idea of four inches aren’t exactly the same thing, if you know what I mean.”

(I slice the loaf of bread for the man and hand it to him.)

Me: *laughing* “Here’s your bread, sir. Have a nice day.”

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