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  • Holy Guacamole, Get Off The Phone!
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  • May Theme Of The Month: Movie Mayhem!

    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Doesn’t Prank Very Highly With Him

    | GA, USA | Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I am working the graveyard security shift when the phone rings.)

    Me: “[Company] guard shack. This is [My Name].”

    Caller: “Hey, I just wanted to make sure your refrigerator was running.”

    Me: “Already caught it running down Oregon Road. Is there something I can help you with?”

    (He apparently places his hand badly over the speaker because I can still hear him.)

    Caller: *to someone else* “Dude, it didn’t work. Got another?”

    Other Person: “Try the Prince Albert one!”

    Me: “I’ll stop you two right there; I’ve got Prince Albert in a can, Queen Elizabeth in a box, and the Duke of Earl in a bar with Tom, Dick, and Harry. Unless you have actual business with me, you can just hang up now before I trace this call and put your a** in the grass.”

    (*click*)

    Naked And Unafraid

    | Enschede, The Netherlands | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (We get a lot of ‘dirty’ calls because it is a toll-free number. This one guy is a ‘regular.’)

    Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

    Customer: *heavy breathing* “So… what colour undies are you wearing?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s Monday. On Monday we don’t wear clothes. It’s policy.”

    (I disconnect the call, smiling at the man’s stunned silence. One minute late my coworker gets a call. All I hear is:)

    Coworker: “Oh, naked sir. It’s Monday after all!”

    (He hung up and we had a good laugh about it.)

    Can’t Stretch To Accommodate This Call

    | Southaven, MS, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    Customer: “Hi, I needed to ask you some questions about condoms.”

    Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

    Customer: “Well, you see I have a problem. All the condoms seem to be too small and are very tight.”

    Me: “Okay, well they do make larger condoms such as Trojan Magnums.”

    Customer: “Well, I’ve tried those and even those are too small for me.”

    Me: “Well, I’ve never really heard of that, since condoms are designed to be very stretchy.”

    Customer: “I’ve just tried all sorts of condoms. What I really need is for you to help me try on the condom.”

    Me: *click*

    Rated Immature

    | NY, USA | Movies & TV, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (The video store I work at has a ‘back room’ installed and most people call to double check that, yes, we do rent adult videos.)

    Caller: “Hey, I’ve got a list of titles and I wanted to know if you have them for rent.”

    Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

    Caller: “All right. Deep Throat?” *background giggling*

    Me: *checks* “Nope, we don’t carry that one.”

    Caller: “Darn, my niece will be so disappointed.” *more giggling*

    (I’m not fazed by this stuff by this point, so I keep going since it isn’t busy.)

    Me: “Any others?”

    Caller: “Ha ha, yeah… Debbie Does Dallas?”

    Me: *checks* “Well the first one is rented out, but the second and fifth ones are in stock.”

    Caller: “Wait, really?”

    Me: *confused* “Yeah, really.”

    Caller: “You guys ACTUALLY rent porn?”

    Me: “Yeah… We have a whole section in the back of the store.”

    Caller: “Wow, REALLY? All right, I’ll be in later then. Wait, wait… Do you have newer stuff?”

    Me: “Yeah, the older titles are mostly just the really famous ones.”

    Caller: “Awesome. That call went a lot better than I thought it would.”

    (He turned out to be a repeat customer.)

    The Drink Of The Month

    | IA, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work at a kiosk of a popular coffee chain. It’s before school, and my coworker is ringing up a girl’s order.)

    Customer: “I want a peppermint mocha, but with no coffee in it.”

    Coworker: “Okay, so a steamer.”

    (My coworker hands me the cup and I can’t help but giggle a little.)

    Coworker: “What is it?”

    Me: “Oh, you wrote down PMS for the drink order.”

    Coworker: *laughing* “Oh jeez, I didn’t even think about that. But that’s what it is, a peppermint mocha steamer.”

    Customer: “That’s one way to start a morning.”

    (I make the drink and hand it to her.)

    Me: “Here’s your PMS, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Don’t go PMSing now!”

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