October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Finally Gets The Massage Message

| South Bend, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

(We’ve had a man call several times trying to engage in sexual conversation.)

Man: “Do you carry massagers? Like personal massagers? The kind for female pleasure?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “Could you suggest one?”

Me: “I can not.”

Man: “Oh! Are you a virgin?”

Me: “No, I’m asexual.”

Man: “A… sexual?”

Me: “Yes, it means I get no pleasure from sexual stimulation, or even from talking to perverted men on the phone.”

Man: “Oh…” *click*

(He hasn’t called back.)

Maybe They Were Cream-Filled?

| OH, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(We are having yard sale at our house, where I am selling all kinds of things including chocolate molds for making different types of chocolate candies. A very nice and friendly elderly lady approaches me to chat about them.)

Lady: “You know, I used to have to buy chocolate by the 100 lb. bag because I made and sold so much candy.”

Me: “Wow, sounds like you were pretty busy with it!”

Lady: “Oh, yes, I had a room in my home dedicated to it. Most of my customers were my coworkers at [Local Plant].”

Me: “How nice.”

(I’m trying to be polite but I’ve got to be available for others to ask questions or make purchases.)

Lady: “I used to make chocolate penises.”

Me: “How ni— Wait, what?”

Lady: “Penises. I made a birthday cake covered with chocolate penises for a coworker. It said, ‘here’s the beef!’ Ha! Penises! Can you imagine?”

Should Have Eaten Fear For Breakfast

| Portsmouth, VA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(An older male patron has started insisting that I (a young female) offer to buy him lunch earlier in the week. Every following day he would whisper a reminder in the form of a food order as he passed the reference desk.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir”

Patron: “Chicken salad… Chicken Salad.”

Me: *nods head, a little creeped out*

(A patron walks past a few hours later to leave.)

Patron: *intensely whispers* “Two hotdogs from Dairy Queen.”

(They say nothing else. Later, I turn to my coworker:)

Me: “Why is it always me?”

Coworker: “They smell the fear… or your lunch.”

The Girl Who Played With Hellfire

| Stockholm, Sweden | Books & Reading, Religion, Rude & Risque

(I’m the customer in this story. I’m a tourist in Stockholm looking for a book for my boyfriend at the time, who is learning Swedish. I don’t speak a word of it. I see a bookstore and just wander in.)

Me: “Hi there. I’m looking for a Swedish book that has something to do with crime. Could you help me with that?”

Clerk: *looks at me dumbfounded* “Uhm. What was that?”

Me: “You know. Something thrilling and exciting ?”

Clerk: “You do realise this is a Catholic book store and we only carry books on religion, right?”

Rudely Out Of (Con)Text

| MA, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

(To cater to our deals-obsessive demographics, we have text-messaging promotions where you can receive coupons on the spot. These are used in conjunction to meet our daily quota of pushing certain items such as our own brand garment bags. A 60-year-old man is buying suits and having them altered. I am ringing him up.)

Me: “Would you like to get a garment bag?”

Customer: “How much are they?”

Me: “The retail price is [higher amount], but if you use your phone, you can get it for [lower amount].”

Customer: “Sure thing! Would you help me? I’m not that handy with smartphones.”

(I give him the instructions, and it looks like his texting has reached its limit, so it won’t go through. I explain this to him.)

Me: “I don’t think it’s going to work. It seems like your service plan doesn’t allow it.”

Customer: “But I have [Provider]! Would you help me? I’m 60 years old and my grandchildren are way ahead of me in this area.”

(At this point I see that every text that had been blocked because of the plan’s limits is going straight to his notifications, of which there were thousands. I pull down the notification menu and scroll down. At several points I notice that there are notifications that are titled ‘Download complete: pornvid.mpeg.’ He immediately takes his phone from my hands.)

Me: “Maybe I could try one more time, but it doesn’t seem like it will take.”

Customer: “No, but I would really like the bag!”

(He goes back to his phone and taps on the Internet app instead of the messaging app. His most recent tab was an adult website. He angles the phone away from my eyes.)

Me: “You should hit the Home button.”

(He hits the Home button and then hits the Internet app again, and the same website pops up again. Again, he angles the screen away from my eyes.)

Me: “Now let’s try again…”

(At this point a line has formed. He eventually asks if a manager can help him and in the end is able to get the bag without doing the text message promotion. Later, after I regale the tale to the manager.)

Manager: “I hope he washed his hands before coming here.”

Me: “Thanks for reminding me that I touched his phone…”

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