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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Stimulating Or Simulating Immunity

    | Ottawa, Canada | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I’ve had a small cold for a couple days. I begin to ring up a man in his 60s. I’m 19.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not too bad, except this d***ed cold won’t go away.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I have one too and it’s driving me nuts! Although I love the new pomegranate grapefruit cough drops we sell.”

    Customer: “I have some cough drops at home. But there is one thing that really works when you’re sick. The problem is, my wife is out of town so I guess I’m out of luck.”

    Me: “Oh, yeah. Wait, what?”

    Customer: “Yeah! It totally works. Do you have a man around to help you with your… cold?”

    (He winks at me.)

    Me: “That’ll be $35.67, sir. Have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Try it! And if you don’t have a man, you could always do it with–”

    Me: “Goodbye!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Faceless Enemy, Faceless Victim

    | Georgia, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working the register in the garden center when a man with no arms come through with an item held under his chin. He leans over, drops it on my counter and says that he’ll be right back. He comes back with several more items under his chin, and states that he is ready to check out.)

    Me: “So, how is your day going?”

    Customer: “It’s going fine, thanks!”

    (The transaction goes smoothly until it’s time for him to pay.)

    Customer: “I have no arms, so you’ll have to get the money out of my pocket.”

    (I blink, but it sounds reasonable, so I walk around the counter to get the money. As I reach into his front pocket, he notices
    something.)

    Customer: “Oops, my fly is open. But, don’t worry. Nothing will jump out at you!”

    Private, Privater, Privatest

    | Morehead, KY, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (While waiting tables one afternoon, a group of 4 older gentlemen, aged about 65-70, seats themselves in my section. In the middle of their meal, one of them beckons me over.)

    Customer: “Did you know that 2 out of every 3 people sing in the shower? The other third touch themselves. Anyway, do you know what they sing?”

    Me: “Uh, well, no. What do they–”

    Customer: “I didn’t think you would. You can go.”

    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (I’m a librarian. I am walking through the children’s section and see a boy of around 12 browsing through ghost stories. He
    picks up a book, opens it, and immediately drops it back on the shelf.)

    Boy: “Ooh! That book’s too scary!”

    Me: “What book is it?”

    Boy:Ghosts of Prostitutes.”

    Me: “What?!”

    (I walk over and pick up the book. It is titled “Ghosts and Poltergeists”.)

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    Beyond The Call Of Duty

    | Wisconsin, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I work at a video rental store that carries some adult movies in a side/back room. I am busy sorting our dropbox of movies when a older gentleman approaches my male coworker.)

    Customer: “These [adult] movies didn’t work.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want to grab a couple others to replace them?”

    Customer: “No, you do it for me. These didn’t work.”

    (I check the computer system for replacement copies.)

    Me: “Well, these are the only copies of these movies, but you can go get two others for free today.”

    Customer: “You go find two for me. I want ones that work. You go pick them out.”

    Me: “You want me to go get you two replacements?”

    Customer: “Yes, you.”

    (I go into the back room and chooses two movies for the customer. I then clean the new movies and check out the customer.)

    Me, to coworker: *after the customer leaves* “Please tell me you heard what he had me do.”

    Coworker: “Did you just go pick out porn for him?”

    Me: “Yeah. How weird.”

    Coworker: *laughing* “I’d just grab the first two I found.”

    Me: “I couldn’t! I had to find ones that were a similar theme.”

    Coworker: “Awkward.”

    Me: “Totally.”


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