Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Not So Profound Profanities

| UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(While waiting at the self-checkout tills, I overhear this conversation.)

Customer #1: “This bloody till won’t work! Why won’t it scan my coupons?”

(At this, an employee appears to help.)

Employee: “Here we are, ma’am. You just put your coupons in this slot here and it should work.”

(Suddenly, a middle-aged woman with a young daughter who are using another self-checkout pipes up.)

Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “Excuse me, could you please refrain from using language like that in public? I don’t want my daughter picking up bad habits”.

Customer #1: “Oh, of course!” *to Customer #2’s daughter* “I’m sorry, sweetie. Never ever use the word you heard me use just now…”

Customer #2: “Thanks!”

(Customer #2 smiles and gets back to scanning her items, but Customer #1 isn’t done speaking.)

Customer #1: “…unless you’re really f***ed off, that is!”

She’s No Bashful Biddy

| Alberta, Canada | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Top

(A sweet little old lady comes up to my till with her walker. She is probably in her nineties or late eighties and looks like your stereotypical sweet old granny.)

Me: “Good afternoon, Miss! How’s it going today?”

Little Old Lady: “Quite well, thank you! And calling me ‘Miss’, ha!  You’re such a sweet girl. Made my day!”

Me: “Glad to be of service! Do you need a hand with your basket?”

Little Old Lady: “Oh, no, I try to do things for myself even if they’re harder. Keeps me young.”

(We go through the transaction, chatting away, and at the end she uses her debit card. It’s a chip card and she tries to swipe it, so I correct her.)

Me: “Oh! That’s a chip card. The stripe probably won’t work, so can you please just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

Little Old Lady: “What’s that, sorry?”

Me: “Can you just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

Little Old Lady: *deadpans* “That’s what she said.”

(It took about five seconds before I and the other guy in line burst out laughing.)

Other Customer: “A lady your age saying that? Nice move, ma’am!”

Little Old Lady: “That’s MISS!” *devilish little grin* “And I’m old, not dead. Have a nice day!”

(She slowly makes her way out of the store, slow as only the elderly can be. The other customer and I look at one another, tears still wet on my face from laughter.)

Me: “Best older customer ever.”

Other Customer: “F*** yes!”

Oh, Dear God, It’s Growing Bigger

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

(I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

Customer #1: “Large.”

Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”

Scan-dalous

| Kerang, Victoria, Australia | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I’m working a cash register at a supermarket.)

Me: “G’day, how’s it going?”

Customer: “Yeah, pretty good, thanks.”

(I begin to scan her items.)

Me: “So do you have any plans for the rest of your day?”

Customer: “Yeah, I hope to get laid for the first time in three years!”

(I look over to see she had amongst her groceries: several punnets of strawberries, dipping chocolate, oysters, condoms, and personal lubricant.)

Customer: *beaming*

(I return to scanning her items in silence. She pays and gathers her items.)

Me: “Have a great night.”

Customer: “Oh, believe me, I will!”

Makes No Difference How Things End Up

| Colorado, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Rude & Risque, Top

Me: “Alright, sir, your total is $69.19.”

Customer: “Oh my god! 69! That’s hilarious!”

(Suddenly, the customer becomes sad.)

Customer: “Oh… but I have this coupon…”

(He hands me a 50 cents off coupon.)

Me: “That’s alright, sir! That coupon will take 50 cents off. Your total is now $68.69!”

Customer: *dumbstruck* “This place is magical!”

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