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  • Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Un-bare-ably Competitive

    | Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (It’s the end of the day at the grocery deli. Most of the other customers have left. I am just about to start closing up when a last customer walks up. He is wearing oversized glasses and mismatched clothing, as if he hasn’t done his laundry in a while.)

    Customer: “Hey, you closing up?”

    Me: “I’ve got enough time for ya! What do you need?”

    (He orders and I begin preparing it.)

    Customer: “So, how is that job?”

    Me: “Nothing really to complain about, other than the occasional weird customer—”

    Customer: “You know, I’m pretty weird! You want to see how weird I am?”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s all right, I was just—”

    (The customer proceeds to pull down his pants right in the middle of the store and does a little victory pose. I’m so dumbfounded I almost cut myself on the slicer.)

    Customer: *pulling his pants up* “I bet you haven’t met anyone weirder than that yet, have ya?!”

    Me: “No, sir, I most definitely have not.”

    Young (At Heart), Wild, And Free

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am doing a pat down on an older woman in a wheelchair. As I clear each area, I’m letting the woman know that I am moving to a new area. Fairly quickly, it becomes obvious that the woman is intoxicated.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m going to clear your back now.”

    Woman: *throws her arms out and says quite loudly* “Honey, I’m loaded! You can do whatever you want to me!”

    Show But Don’t Tell

    | North Canton, OH, USA | Rude & Risque

    (A female customer, approximately 18 years old, is asking a coworker of mine about our bikinis.)

    Customer: “Do you guys, like, carry any bikini bottoms in white?”

    Me: “I don’t think we have any. Not a lot of stores stock white bikinis.” *chuckling* “After all, you can see right through white fabric when it gets wet!”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Yeah, duh. That’s why I want them!”

    They Are Not The Toys You Are Looking For

    | St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada | Rude & Risque

    (A woman calls into the store. She’s speaking very quietly and I have to ask her several times to repeat herself. Finally I make out something.)

    Woman: “Do you sell vibrators?”

    Me: *pause* “Um, ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you again to repeat what you said. I really don’t think we sell what I think you said.”

    Woman: “Vibrators.”

    Me: “No. No, we don’t.”

    Woman: “Isn’t this The Love Shop?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, this is Toys-R-Us.”

    Related:
    They Are Not The Balls You Are Looking For

    Pray That It Be Rhetorical

    | UK | Rude & Risque

    (We have a policy of “up-selling” specific products, meaning we offer them to every customers. This particular week, we’re up-selling pineapples. A middle-aged man approaches the till and I process his items.)

    Me: “Thank you. That’ll be £X.XX. Would you like a pineapple? They’re only £1.”

    Customer: “Would you like to rip my trousers off and have your wild way with me?”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “We all have questions.” *pays and leaves as if this is normal*

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