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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Keep That Mustache To Yourself

    | Miramar Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am a hostess at a rather upscale restaurant. A couple walks in and the man has a particularly impressive handlebar mustache. I usually chat with guests while I’m seating them.)

    Me: “So, [server] is your server tonight. She’ll be taking great care of you.”

    Customer: “Can [server] give us a good discount?”

    Me: *laughing* “I’m sure if you take it up with her she’ll consider it. You might want to twist that ‘stache in a debonair fashion to convince her.”

    Customer: “I can offer a mustache ride.”

    Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

    Girlfriend: “Thank you.”

    Red Light ATM

    | Melbourne, Australia | Rude & Risque

    (I am a cashier serving an elderly woman in her 70′s or 80′s. I have just finished scanning her items and she is handing me the money after looking through her purse for several minutes.)

    Customer: “Here you go, dear. I was a bit worried for a moment that I wouldn’t have enough money! I thought I might have to…well, you’re probably to young to know.”

    Me: “What’s that, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I thought I might have to go down to [well known brothel] and stand out on the street. You know, earn some fast cash!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: *laughing* “You have a lovely day now!”

    We Like Our Innuendos Freshly Baked

    | Hagerstown, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working check out as a gay couple comes up to my line with a dozen or so bananas.)

    Customer: “So, what do you think two gay men are going to do with this many bananas?”

    Me: *playing along* “Uh, make phallic jokes, then eat them?”

    Customer: “Well, yeah, but we’re making banana bread!”

    The Terrors Of Terminology

    | Guildford, Surrey, England, UK | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (People have all sorts of names for the sides, or temples, of spectacle frames. I have heard them called “legs”, “props”, “wings”, and “crutches”, among other things. A very strident woman marches into our practice with her teenage daughter in tow.)

    Customer: *loudly* “I want you to spread my daughter’s legs. They won’t go behind her ears.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer’s daughter: *speechless and cringing with embarrassment*

    Related:
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 4
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 3
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation, Part 2
    The Horrors Of Mispronunciation

    It Blows Hard

    | Bismarck, ND, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am working at the counter of a slushie shop in our mall.)

    Me: “What’s all the hustle about out there?”

    Customer: “Oh, they brought in the coolest thing this morning. It’s a hurricane stimulator!”

    Me: “A stimulator?”

    Customer: “Yes, it stimulates hurricanes! You have to try it out.”

    Me: “I’ll be sure to do that. Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Oh, I will! That hurricane stimulated me to the max!”


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