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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Ersatz-Guile Dysfunction

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I work for a bank’s fraud claims department.)

    Caller: “I did not do this transaction from [male enhancement supplements company].”

    Me: “Sir, I see that the merchant was able to verify your name, full address, and card CVV. Is there anyone else who has access to your card?”

    Caller: “This is fraud! I don’t even know who the f*** they are!”

    Me: “I understand, but if they have your address, most likely the product was shipped to you.”

    Caller: “D*** it. I did it, okay? IT DIDN’T WORK!”

    Don’t Make Me Clean Up This One

    | California, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “I love the f*** out of yogurt. I would make love to yogurt!”

    Me: *awkward laughter*

    (The customer picks her yogurt and I ring her up without any issues.)

    Customer: “Do y’all have a bathroom I can take this into?”

    Why You Always Bring Your Own Dinnerware

    | Graham, NC, USA | Rude & Risque

    (An elderly lady approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I need some dish bags.”

    (Unaware of what dish bags are, I assume she means dish rags.)

    Me: “I’m not sure what that is and if we carry it. I would look in the cleaning section.”

    Customer: “Well, my doctor said I could get it here.”

    Me: “Okay, well I would check that aisle.”

    (The customer leaves and returns after a couple minutes.)

    Customer: “I didn’t find them!”

    Me: “Can you tell me again what it is you need?”

    Customer: “Dish bags.”

    Me: “And you say your doctor told you to get them here?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of dish bags and I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that here.”

    Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! What am I going to do?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, would you like me to ask our pharmacist about them?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    (I go get the pharmacist to assist me.)

    Pharmacist: “So, what is a dish bag used for?”

    Customer: “Jeeze! You clean your lady parts with it!”

    Buy One Euphemism, Get The Second One Free

    | Vermont, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m a rather busty female and I work in a grocery store. An elderly man walks up to my register with his cart.)

    Customer: “Well, I see you got new jugs!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “New jugs. I quite like ‘em. Better grip. Oh, yeah, much better grip.”

    Me: *stares wide-eyed*

    Customer: *places two bottles of prune juice on the counter*

    Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. They redid the bottles on those. New jugs.”

    Customer: “Mmmm. Prune juice. I quite like it. Keeps me regular.”

    Shocking Mystery Solved

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work in the call center of a public library. Occasionally, we get strange callers just because it is free and we are required to talk to them.)

    Caller: “You need to help me! The Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”

    Me: “Um, this is a library, I’m not sure what—”

    Caller: “You have to help me! I called the police but they won’t help me. They say I’m crazy. It’s the Mormons! They keep shocking my genitals!”

    Me: “Well, uh, let me put you on hold for a second.”

    (I put her on hold and call out the situation to the other librarians in the call center. One of them happens to be Mormon.)

    Me: “I have a caller who claims Mormons are shocking her genitals through her windows.”

    Mormon coworker: “We are.”

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