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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Party Supplies In His Pants

    | Charlotte, NC, USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Technology

    (I am working the tablet display counter when a man walks in with his wife.)

    Customer: “So, what’s the difference between these two tablets?”

    Me: “This one has a faster processor and is better for playing video games or watching movies.”

    Customer: “Good, because I’ll need the larger screen to watch all that po-… uh, party supplies…”

    (At this, I can’t keep it together. The wife promptly collects her husband and leaves. As they’re leaving, he says…)

    Customer: “I wanted to look at party supplies, honest…”

    Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Crazy Requests, Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)

    Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”

    Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”

    Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”

    Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”

    Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”

    Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”

    Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”

    Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”

    Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”

    Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”

    (The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)

    Nipped That One In The Inappropriate Bud

    | Kansas City, KS, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (I am working the sporting goods department of a huge, multinational retailer. I’m stocking fishing gear and cleaning up my aisle as I’m approached by a creaky-boned geriatric, clutching her cart for stability as her walker is stowed in it. With bleary, watery eyes behind huge, thick granny-glasses staring at me, she croaks out:)

    Customer: “Where are your nipples?”

    Me: *dumbfounded* “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Your NIPPLES! Where are your NIPPLES?”

    Me: *stunned silence*

    Customer: *perhaps used to deal with people who are hard of hearing* “YOUR BABY BOTTLES AND YOUR NIPPLES! WHERE ARE THEY?”

    Me: “Oh! Our infant’s section is in the opposite corner of the store.”

    Customer: “THANK YOU!”

    Fifty Shades Of (Christian) Grey

    | OR, USA | Books & Reading, Religion, Rude & Risque

    (I work at an accessories store in a mall. There is a Christian store that specializes in books and movies right across from our store, and next to the bathrooms. After directing a customer to the bathrooms, she comes rushing back in with her eyes wide and her cheeks flushed.)

    Customer: “Is that the only bookstore in the mall?”

    Me: “Oh, that’s not actually a bookstore. That’s a Christian store.”

    Customer: “Oh. That explains why the cashier got so angry when I asked where to find Fifty Shades of Grey.”

    Customers Like To Give You A Pizza Their Dirty Mind

    | MI, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (I and two other coworkers are on break in back room, having some pizza, when another coworker comes to grab some pizza. Everyone else is already sitting down and eating so he remains standing, eats some, and exclaims:)

    Coworker: “This is sooo good. I could eat this every day.”

    (After which I hear someone add on to that saying:)

    Passer By: “Just like sex.”

    (Everyone else continues eating and doesn’t say anything, until my coworker standing at the table asks:)

    Coworker: “Did anyone else hear that guy?”

    Me: “Yeah, the one that said ‘just like sex’?”

    Coworker: “Yeah, I thought I was the only one who heard him.”

    Me: “That’s what I thought, too.”

    (We burst out laughing, then promptly close the doors so random creepers would stop eavesdropping or contributing creepiness.)

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