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  • September Theme Of The Month: Overheard!

    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Dora Hasn’t Explored That Yet

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I’m bagging a customer’s purchases when a woman and a little girl in a Dora the Explorer shirt walk by.)

    Me: “Do you know how Dora the Explorer got her name?”

    Customer: *suddenly horrified* “Uh… no…”

    Me: “Because the Spanish word for ‘explorer’ is ‘exploradora.'”

    Customer: “Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to say she was named after a porn star or something.”

    Me: “…”

    A Very Low-Rent Girl

    | Dublin, Ireland | Bad Behavior, Money, Rude & Risque

    (I work as a representative for a landlord as he has many apartment buildings. I collect the rent and deliver it to him. I deal with any problems that the residents have. I also deal with people whose rent is overdue. I am speaking with a young woman.)

    Me: “Do you realise that your rent is one month overdue?”

    Woman: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize; can I pay it now?”

    (I go to get a form for her. When I come back, she is lying on the desk, completely naked.)

    Woman: “Is this enough to pay my rent?”

    Me: “If you put your clothes on right now I will pretend this didn’t happen.”

    (She walks up to me.)

    Me: “Miss, I recommend you put your clothes on right now or I will have to contact the landlord.”

    Woman: “Oh, come on. I know you want it.”

    Me: “Miss, there is a security camera in the corner.”

    (She looked up, screamed and calls me a pervert, and then ran out of my office. A few seconds later she ran back in, grabbed her clothes, and ran out again.)

    Finally Gets The Massage Message

    | South Bend, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

    (We’ve had a man call several times trying to engage in sexual conversation.)

    Man: “Do you carry massagers? Like personal massagers? The kind for female pleasure?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Man: “Could you suggest one?”

    Me: “I can not.”

    Man: “Oh! Are you a virgin?”

    Me: “No, I’m asexual.”

    Man: “A… sexual?”

    Me: “Yes, it means I get no pleasure from sexual stimulation, or even from talking to perverted men on the phone.”

    Man: “Oh…” *click*

    (He hasn’t called back.)

    Maybe They Were Cream-Filled?

    | OH, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (We are having yard sale at our house, where I am selling all kinds of things including chocolate molds for making different types of chocolate candies. A very nice and friendly elderly lady approaches me to chat about them.)

    Lady: “You know, I used to have to buy chocolate by the 100 lb. bag because I made and sold so much candy.”

    Me: “Wow, sounds like you were pretty busy with it!”

    Lady: “Oh, yes, I had a room in my home dedicated to it. Most of my customers were my coworkers at [Local Plant].”

    Me: “How nice.”

    (I’m trying to be polite but I’ve got to be available for others to ask questions or make purchases.)

    Lady: “I used to make chocolate penises.”

    Me: “How ni— Wait, what?”

    Lady: “Penises. I made a birthday cake covered with chocolate penises for a coworker. It said, ‘here’s the beef!’ Ha! Penises! Can you imagine?”

    Should Have Eaten Fear For Breakfast

    | Portsmouth, VA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (An older male patron has started insisting that I (a young female) offer to buy him lunch earlier in the week. Every following day he would whisper a reminder in the form of a food order as he passed the reference desk.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, sir”

    Patron: “Chicken salad… Chicken Salad.”

    Me: *nods head, a little creeped out*

    (A patron walks past a few hours later to leave.)

    Patron: *intensely whispers* “Two hotdogs from Dairy Queen.”

    (They say nothing else. Later, I turn to my coworker:)

    Me: “Why is it always me?”

    Coworker: “They smell the fear… or your lunch.”

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