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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 3

    | Dublin, Ireland | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (A kid walks into the store and brings “Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” up to the counter. He’s no more than 11.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you rent that game. It’s for over 18 only.”

    Kid: “My mom lets me play this all the time!”

    Me: “Well, you’ll have to get her to rent it for you then.”

    (The kid stomps off and returns with his mother. She brings the game up.)

    Customer: “I want to rent this.”

    Me: “Well, I should tell you that it is a very violent game.”

    Customer: “I don’t mind that.”

    Me: “Well, in this game, you can actually pick up a hooker and beat her to death afterwards to get back your money. There’s loads of graphic violence and bad language.”

    Customer: *alarmed* “Bad language?” *turns to her son* “Darren, you know you’re not allowed things with bad language!” *grabs him by the arm and storms out with him in tow*

    Related:
    Grand Theft Innocence, Part 2
    Grand Theft Innocence

    Then Again, They’re Not Wearing Pants

    | Yuma, AZ, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Welcome to [theater name].”

    Customer: “Two tickets to Chippendales.”

    Me: *brief moment of silence* “Um…what?”

    Customer: “I said I would like two tickets for Alvin and the Chippendales!”

    Me: “Do you mean Alvin and the Chipmunks?”

    Customer: “Whatever, just give me two tickets to that movie!”

    March Monthly Roundup: Booze, Beaus, Bongs, Bigots, & Bindings

    , , , , | Not Always Right | Bigotry, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Roundups, Rude & Risque, Underaged

    In addition to our weekly roundups, each month we’ll be sharing our most popular reader-voted stories.

    March Monthly Roundup: This month, we share five stories that show that customers can be bad, but at least they’re not boring!

    1. She Fought The Law, And The Law Won, Part 2:
      Think you’re going to buy booze for your underaged, 16-year-old daughter? Not on this liquor store employee’s watch!
    2. When Press Comes To Shove:
      A blustery customer counts on berating an employee to get his way; what he didn’t count on: the employee’s 6’5″, 250-lb. fiance waiting in the back.
    3. The Height Of (Mt.) Misogyny:
      Misogynists really should go jump off a cliff, but this sexist customer probably couldn’t make it to the top anyway.
    4. Weeding Out The Dumb Ones, Part 2:
      Either this guy’s in the wrong shop, or those are the LARGEST. BONGS. EVER.
    5. So Good She Doesn’t Need A Weapon:
      A little girl learns that although diamonds are forever, mommy’s handcuffs are for her eyes only.

    Eau De Hoo Ha

    | Clarksville, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

    (A elderly woman approaches the counter and I greet her.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. Would you like to try a sample of our new fragrance?”

    Customer: “Actually, I was looking to buy some Juicy Cooter.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “It’s my granddaughter’s birthday. It’s coming up and she said she wanted that new Juicy Cooter perfume.”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Oh you mean Juicy Couture? Yes, we carry that.”

    Customer: “No, not the French one! Just show me your Juicy Cooter!”

    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 3

    , | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work at a store that sells area rugs. We take a fair amount of phone calls from people who have questions regarding area rugs.)

    Me: “[Store], this is [name].”

    Caller: “Hello? I have a question. Can you help me?”

    Me: “Of course, what is your question?”

    Caller: “I can’t get it to stay up!”

    Me: “Oh…um…okay. What do you mean?”

    Customer: “My area rug! It’s old and I love it, but recently I can’t get it to stay up. The…what are they called? Fibers? They are all crushed and won’t stay up!”

    Me: “Oh, I see.”

    Customer: “I’ve been vacuuming it non-stop on all the different settings. It’s not as stiff and thick as it used to be. No matter how hard I suck, it just won’t stay up!”

    Me: *trying to stay composed* “Alright, well that does tend to happen with age. Rugs tend to get pile-crushing after long periods of heavy traffic.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can’t get it up because it’s old?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is exactly what I’m telling you.”

    (I manage to keep it together for the rest of the conversation. However, my manager, who can hear the entire exchange, is cracking-up next to me the entire time. The innuendo was much thicker than her rug!)

    Related:
    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2
    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer

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