October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

That Would Not Be A Happy Meal

, | San Diego, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top

(Everyone in the kitchen wears headsets to hear the drive-thru. This is so we can make the order while the customer is ordering.)

Me: “Hey, how are you today?”

Customer: “Just a sec… s***!”

Me: *deadpan* “I’m sorry, sir; we don’t serve that here.”

(The entire kitchen erupts in laughter.)

Customer: *also laughing* “If I wanted that, I’d go to [competitor]!”

The Homo Critical Are Hypocritical

| Quakertown, PA, USA | Bigotry, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(Three men walk in at the same time to the adult bookstore where I work. Customer #1 heads straight for the lesbian porn. Customers #2 and #3 are regulars, and they are a couple. They have specially ordered certain items, and are there to pick them up.)

Me: “Hey, guys! I have your order in the back. Let me go get it!”

(I disappear, but as I’m picking up their box of items, I hear shouting. I rush out front.)

Customer #1: “Homosexuality is a sin! Read the f****** Bible!”

Customer #2: “Sir, you’re yelling at us in a porn store, while holding a DVD of lesbian porn. You are just a hypocrite, and I don’t need to listen to you.”

(Customer #2 grabs Customer #3’s hand, and they continue to walk around the store. Customer #1 turns red, but comes to me to check out.)

Customer #1: “Can you f******* believe those f***?”

Me: “I can, and you know what? I love them, and accept them for who they are. As for you, I don’t accept your hatred. Get the h*** out of my store.”

(I take the DVD, put it into the return to shelf bin, and wait for him to leave. He starts screaming.)

Customer #1: “I’m going to put you in your proper place as a woman!”

(Customer #2 and #3 come over.)

Customer #3: “She told you to leave. Either you leave on your own, or we’ll help you.”

(Customer #1 turns pale, and runs out of the store.)

Customer #1: “The f*** are gonna get me!”

(I turn to the two regulars.)

Me: “Would you like a free DVD?”

Underwear For The Over-Aged

| Houston, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(A very old man is wandering around the section of the store where we display the ‘sexy’ lingerie pieces.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find something?”

Old Man: “Yes. I’m looking for something that will lift her up and push her together up there. And I don’t want her to be covered up either. I want to be able to see everything. Do you have anything like that?”

(I try to block out the image he’s creating for me.)

Me: “Sure… let’s see what we can find.”

(I show him a few different bras, and we finally find one that he seems satisfied with, and a matching panty. His lady-friend—who is nearly as old as he is—joins us. The old man hands her the bra he picked out.)

Old Man: “Here, go try this on. I want to see if I like it or not.”

(I walk them back to the fitting room, and go to help a few other customers. The man comes back toward me.)

Me: “So, how did you like it?”

Customer: “It was great. You did a lovely job, you sweet little thing. Now I need to find her a shirt that’s nice and open so you can see everything. I’m old, you know. I just want to have fun.”

Me: “That’s… excellent, sir. Let me show you what we have.”

(After I show him a few shirts, his lady-friend emerges from the fitting room.)

Lady Friend: “Are we ready to go?”

Customer: “I think this is good. You don’t have anything like this at home.”

Lady Friend: “But all my bras are from this store! See?”

(She lifts up her shirt to show everyone in the store the bra she is wearing. I am smiling to hold back the tears.)

Me: “Ah yes, that is one of our bras. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Do you give a discount for perverts?”

Me: “No, sir, sorry about that. Have a great day though!”

How To Devalue Your Crown Jewels

| UK | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

Me: “Are you looking for something in particular, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, do you sell those Chlamydia beads?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean the Chamillia beads?”

Customer: “Yes, why, what did I call them?”

Me: “You don’t want to know what you called them.”

His Size Is XX-Creepy

| Papillion, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

(A male customer approaches me, holding a package of men’s underwear.)

Customer: “Ma’am, can I ask you to do something that is probably outside your job description?”

Me: “What is it?”

(He puts the package down and sticks his hands in the back of his pants.)

Customer: “Okay, I need a new pair of underwear. I don’t know what size I wear, and I can’t read the tag.”

Me: “You can go in one of the men’s fitting rooms and check.”

Customer: “D*** it!”

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