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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Language That Belongs In The Toilet

    | Apple Valley, MN, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I’m stocking shelves when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you have any a** wipe?”

    Me: “What?”

    Customer: “You know, a** wipe?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Toilet paper?”

    Me: “Oh! Aisle 6.”

    (The customer smiles and leaves. I’m from the area, so I can confirm that “a** wipe” isn’t a regional term for toilet paper!)

    Sure Thing, Sweet Cheeks

    | Ontario, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (We have international newspapers that we keep behind us at the till. Also, I’m female. I’ve just finished ringing up some British newspapers for a customer.)

    Me: “Have a brilliant day.”

    Customer: “Can I take a look at your rack?”

    (This not only catches me off guard, but all the staff and customers within earshot, who turn and look at us.)

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “I just want to see what else you’ve got to offer.”

    (Everybody is still staring.)

    Customer: *realizing what he’s said* “Oh! Your newspaper rack.”

    Please Put Your Brain Back In The Driver’s Seat

    | Michigan, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I’m a receptionist in the service area of a car dealership. I am calling a customer to let him know his vehicle is ready for pickup.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! Just calling to let you know that your vehicle is all set.”

    Customer: “And do you come with the car? You sound like a pretty little thing.”

    Me: “Um, well, we’re open until 6 tonight, so if you want to come in and get your truck before then, that would be great.”

    Customer: “I’m a dirty old man.”

    Me: “Okay, then. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

    Shh, The Neighbors Will Hear

    | Michigan, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (At our movie theater, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” is playing. A 70- or 80-year-old woman approaches.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a ticket to that new movie.”

    Me: “No problem. What movie are you looking for, ma’am?”

    Customer: “That new one. You know, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Nasty.”

    Subjective Job Satisfaction

    | Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I’m a cashier ringing up a customer.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “Yep, it was fine.”

    Me: *smiling* “That’s good.”

    Customer: “You have a nice smile.”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Customer: “You must be very happy.”

    Me: “Usually.”

    Customer: “I have a friend who is a stripper. You’re much happier than her.”

    Me: *speechless* “Uh, thanks? You’re total is [total]. Have a nice day.”

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