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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Too Hot To Give A Hoot

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I work at an amusement park where one of my jobs is to hand out 3D glasses and entertain guests before the show. A guest and his wife come up the queue on a particularly hot day.)

    Me: *handing them glasses* “Here you are! Enjoy the show.”

    Guest: “This is a 3D movie?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Guest: “And it’s inside?’

    Me: “Yeah, and it’s air conditioned, so it’s definitely worth it.”

    Guest: “What’s it about?”

    Me: “It’s a ten minute movie about dinosaurs.”

    Guest Wife: “I don’t care if y’all got a hooters show in there. If it’s air conditioned, we’re going!”

    Not The Best Way To Spread Your Art

    | Washington, D.C., USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (It’s my second day as an intern at an art gallery. We have guidelines for artists who wish to submit artwork. I’m by myself in the gallery when an artist wearing cut-offs and flip-flops walks in. She’s carrying a huge canvas that is as big as she is, but I can’t see what’s painted on it as the front is facing away from me.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Artist: “Yeah, I was wondering if you could hang this up?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t accept walk-in submissions like this, and even if we did, the gallery owner isn’t in right now. If you go to our website, you can follow the submission guidelines.”

    Artist: “But I have the art right here! Can’t you hang it up?”

    (At this point she finally turns the canvas around: it’s a life-size, poorly-painted, VERY nude self-portrait of the artist sitting down with her hands on her knees and her hair sticking up in all directions. Worst of all, she has painted herself with her knees splayed and her lady parts in high definition.)

    Me: “Oh…”

    Artist: “I’ll just leave this here, then!”

    Me: *panicking* “No, wait! You really have to fill out an artist’s submission and we’ll get back to you. I can’t just hang up art without the owner present. Also, we specialize in abstract expressionist art, not…erm…figurative art.”

    Artist: *looking at her painting* “But this is pretty funky!”

    Me: “Yes it is, but I’m sorry, I really can’t accept it. Thank you for coming in.”

    (The artist eventually left. Unfortunately, that meant she was carrying her enormous nude self-portrait in full display down the busiest street in town. I have to admire her pluck!)

    Size Matters, Part 10

    | Dublin, Ireland | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work at a small counter in my store that sells the company’s own brand condoms. A female customer comes to the condom counter with a complaint. I’m busy with a customer, so my coworker steps in.)

    Customer: “I want to return these!”

    Coworker: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “My husband says they’re too small and they won’t fit him!”

    (My coworker is a very unabashed flamboyant man. He proceeds to take a condom out of the packet, open it, unroll it and pull it over his hand and right up to his elbow, all while the customer watches in stony silence.)

    Coworker: “If that doesn’t fit your husband, can I have his number?”

    Customer: *leaves silently, taking the box with her*

    Related:
    Size Matters, Part 9
    Size Matters, Part 8
    Size Matters, Part 7
    Size Matters, Part 6
    Size Matters, Part 5
    Size Matters, Part 4
    Size Matters, Part 3
    Size Matters, Part 2
    Size Matters

    You’ve Got The Wrongest Number, Part 6

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “We’re making magic here at Ch—”

    Caller: “Sexy voice for a sexy lady, eh?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I wanted to ask about some of your ‘prizes’.”

    Me: “Sure? What are you looking for?”

    (He begins to read me a long list of sexual objects and attempts to talk dirty.)

    Me: “Sir, this is highly inappropriate.”

    Caller: “If you’re offended, why do you work at [name of adult store]?”

    Me: “Because I don’t. I think you have the wrong number.”

    Caller: “Who am I talking to then?”

    Me: “[Name] at Chuck E. Cheese.”

    Caller: “Oh…oh my God! I AM SO SORRY!”

    Related:
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 5
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 4
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 2
    You Got The Wrong(est) Number

    Un-bare-ably Competitive

    | Chicago, IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (It’s the end of the day at the grocery deli. Most of the other customers have left. I am just about to start closing up when a last customer walks up. He is wearing oversized glasses and mismatched clothing, as if he hasn’t done his laundry in a while.)

    Customer: “Hey, you closing up?”

    Me: “I’ve got enough time for ya! What do you need?”

    (He orders and I begin preparing it.)

    Customer: “So, how is that job?”

    Me: “Nothing really to complain about, other than the occasional weird customer—”

    Customer: “You know, I’m pretty weird! You want to see how weird I am?”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s all right, I was just—”

    (The customer proceeds to pull down his pants right in the middle of the store and does a little victory pose. I’m so dumbfounded I almost cut myself on the slicer.)

    Customer: *pulling his pants up* “I bet you haven’t met anyone weirder than that yet, have ya?!”

    Me: “No, sir, I most definitely have not.”

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