Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

The Hard-Ball Explanation

| Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

Me: “Neutered?”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”

Happy Spanksgiving

| Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

(The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

(The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”

Top Shelf Morals, Bottom Shelf Attitude

| Medford, MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Underaged

(I am stocking magazines at a bookstore when two young boys reach high up on the shelves and grab adult magazines. They hunch over and open the magazines to gawk at the photos.)

Me: “Excuse me, are you guys 18 or over?”

Boy #1: “Why, what’s it to you?”

Me: “It’s my job, actually. If you’re not 18, you can’t even touch those. Would you put that magazine back, please?”

Boy #2: “I’m 18.”

(Boy #2 is obviously about 12 or 13 from his height and appearance.)

Me: “Really? What year were you born?”

Boy #2: “None of your business!”

Me: “Okay, both of you put those magazines back, right now.”

Boy #1: “I’m 18, too.”

(Just then, a young mother carrying a baby and a diaper bag approaches the counter a few feet away.)

Young Mother: *to cashier* “Can I ask you for a certain book?”

Cashier: “Sure, what are you looking for?”

Young Mother: “It’s called ‘How to Raise a Moral Child‘.”

(Boy #1 and Boy #2 burst out laughing, catching the attention of the young mother, who looks over disapprovingly. The boys laugh and turn away from her, now facing me.)

Me: *arms crossed, leaning in* “How about now?”

(They stop laughing abruptly, put the magazines back on the nearest shelf, and slink out.)

Toy Glory

| MD, USA | Rude & Risque

(I am assistant manager at an adult novelty item store. Two teenage girls approach the counter giggling to themselves. They sheepishly each place a particular kind of adult novelty item on the counter.)

Me: “Would you ladies also require batteries for your items?”

Girl #1: “Oh, these don’t come with batteries?”

Me: “No, it’s typically how the manufacturers of these products save money on production.”

Girl #1: *giggles* “No, thank you. I’m buying this for a friend.”

Girl #2: “Yes, me too. I’m also buying this for a friend. She won’t need batteries.”

(I conclude the purchase with the embarrassed young ladies and begin to assist the next customer, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s.)

Woman: “Yes, I will be needing batteries because I’m buying this for me!”

Me: “Can I please shake your hand?”

Mama Puts A Stammer In Your Swagger

| OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m up working the cash register on a slow day, when a teenage boy comes up. He looks to be about 14. He’s sagging his pants, trying to look tough.)

Customer: “Hey, baby.”

Me: “Hi there, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *leans on the counter* “You can get me your number.”

(I’m 25, and engaged.)

Me: “Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Can I help you with anything else?”

Customer: “Why the f*** not, you stupid b****?!”

Me: “One: That would be illegal. Two: I am happily engaged. And three: even if I ignore the first two, it’s against company policy.”

Customer: “You’re a f***ing b****! You should be happy I want a piece of your a**!”

(As the customer continues ranting and raving, a woman appears behind him. She reaches out and taps his shoulder twice.)

Customer: “What the f*** do you want—”

(He turns around. All the color drains from his face. He manages to squeak out some words.)

Customer: “Hi, mama.”

(She smacks him across the face.)

Customer’s Mom: “I did not raise you to be a self-entitled douche-bag! I did not raise you to think you are better than this poor girl!” *she grabs him by the ear, and shoves him against the counter, facing me* “Now, apologize!”

Customer: “But mom!”

Customer’s Mom: “Now!”

(He looks close to tears. He mumbles out how sorry he is, and how it wasn’t fair of him to treat me like a piece of meat. His mom, by his ear, pushes him towards the door.)

Customer’s Mom: “Go.”

(He walks out of the store, ready to cry. She turns to me, gives me a huge smile, apologizes again, and even buys me a gift card. Apparently there are some good parents still out there!)

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