October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Animal Attraction

| MO, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(The animal shelter I work at accepts volunteers for work. I am on shift with a volunteer, an attractive lady who is in her 20s. I am male. She is laying on the floor in the office, playing with a puppy while I do some paperwork nearby. The puppy rests his head on her bottom and falls asleep. An elderly patron who often visits the shelter to play with cats walks in.)

Elderly Patron: “What a cute pup! Look where his head is!”

(The patron turns to me and grins.)

Elderly Patron: “Don’t you wish your head was where his is, young man?”

(I almost choke.)

Very Shy To TMI

| USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(I am a cripplingly shy teenage girl, in line at a dollar store. The elderly customer behind me has noticed my shirt, which says ‘Top Ten Reasons I Procrastinate:’, and is otherwise blank.)

Customer: “Hey, I like your shirt! You know, I wanted to procrastinate, but I kept putting it off.”

Me: *laughs nervously*

(The man starts putting his items on the conveyor belt.)

Customer: “We’re gonna have fuuuuun tonight.”

(I glance back and notice that he’s buying 10 bottles of baby oil, and nothing else. I turn bright red and turn away.)

Customer: *laughing* “Aw, I think I scared her.”

(An elderly woman has just come up behind the elderly customer.)

Woman: “What’s that?”

(The customer explains what’s just happened to the woman—his wife.))

Woman: “Oh! Haha!” *she walks up to me* “You see, things tend to dry out when you get older!”

He Is Out-Dated

| Scotland, UK | Love/Romance, Rude & Risque

(I work in a call centre for a bank, and one of the security questions we use to verify cardholder identity is a memorable date. Some people try to get clever with you. I generally give them no reaction at all and just ask a different security question.)

Me: “Can I ask you to confirm your memorable date there for me sir?”

Customer: “Ah yes, June 9th, 1979. I met this lovely blonde woman in a bar in Soho, absolutely beautiful. She drank cocktails and we went back to mine and the things she could do kiddo, you could only imag—oh wait memorable date? Oh s***, I thought you meant…”

Me: “Ha, that’s alright, sir; do you have it there?”

Customer: “What’s your memorable date? You sound nice; you must have one.”

Me: “My boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Paris for my birthday last year. That was pretty memorable I guess.”

Customer: “Jeez, your generation sucks. Paris!? You can’t beat a roll in the hay in the back of a third hand car in Charing Cross. I’d show you that!”

Me: “Okaaaaaaay anyway, moving on.”

Turning Down Is A Turn Off

| CA, USA | Rude & Risque

Coworker: “Okay, sir… your order is—”

(I can hear a pornographic film being played in the background.)

Coworker: “Okay, I’m going say this and kindly, but bluntly: sir, I can’t hear you over your pornographic film. Can you turn it down a bit?”

Customer: “Wait, you can hear that?”

Coworker: “Yes, sir, it is quite loud. I’m attempting to give you your order number, but—”

Customer: “Oh…”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Customer: “You like it?”

Coworker: “Uh… no, actually. If you can turn it down a little I’d be—”

Customer: “What?! Are you telling me to turn off my porn?!”

Coworker: “No, sir, I’m not. However, I’m having a hard time talking over the delivery guy with a medium sausage pizza. If you can turn it down a bit, I can give you your—”

Customer: *click*

Using Her Outside Voice

, | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

(It is very early in the morning, and most of our customers are elderly folks coming in to drink coffee and socialize. A very sweet older customer comes to my register.)

Me: “Good morning, ma’am! How are you today?”

Customer: “My aren’t you chipper in the morning! I’m doing pretty good this morning dear; how are you today?”

Me: “I’m just great; thank you for asking. How can I help you this morning, ma’am?”

Customer: “Well I’m not too hungry just yet, so I think I will just have one small coffee for now.”

(I ring her in, and tell her the total. She begins slowly taking coins out of her purse, so I turn to make her coffee. I can hear her mumbling to herself. I assume she is counting, until I return with her coffee only to catch the tail end of a string of obscenities.)

Customer: “D*** f****** dime! Where the f****** h*** is a penny! Stupid little b******!”

(I am dumbstruck as the sweet little lady continues to mumble to herself while counting out her change. Finally, she finishes counting and she notices the look on my face.)

Customer: “Oh my, I wasn’t speaking out loud again, was I?”

(I nod slowly.)

Customer: “Oh, goodness! I’m sorry you had to hear that! I wasn’t saying anything bad about you; you’re such a sweet girl. It’s just I’m so d*** old and I can’t f****** see. It’s just so frustrating! Well, have a great morning dear!”

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