Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Nothing’s Gonna Save His Sole

| VA, USA | Religion, Rude & Risque

(I work at a religious call center that takes prayer requests for the people who call in. It’s late on Sunday night.)

Caller: “Hi, I want prayer.”

Me: “Certainly, sir. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “Are you wearing shoes?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am wearing shoes. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “Can you take your shoes off?”

Me: “No, sir, we have a dress code. I can’t take my shoes off. ”

Caller: “Are you wearing high heels?”

Me: “No, sir. What can I pray for you?”

Caller: “What shoes are you wearing?” *in rapid succession* “Sandals, sling backs, sneakers, flip flops—”

Me: “Sir, I can’t talk about my shoes with you.”

Caller: *click*

Try To Keep A Poke Face

| WI, USA | Rude & Risque

(An old man comes up to purchase a pair of shoes. I am nearby while my manager rings it up.)

Manager: “Now, hold onto your receipt, because you can use it anytime to get another pair half price!”

Customer: “Oh, I doubt I’ll get to use it. I’ll probably be dead before I need new shoes again.”

Manager: “Oh, don’t say that! You’ve got to stay positive!”

Customer: “Ah, when you get to be my age, all the ‘positive’ gets used up. First you can’t poke it no more, and then it just goes downhill from there!” *leaves*

In The Pubic Eye

| Singapore | Rude & Risque

(I work at a underwear store that sells both female and male underwear and sleepwear. I’m a female and the customer is a male. The shop is quite small.)

Me: “Hi, welcome. How can I assist you?”

Customer: “Er, do you have any new pyjama shorts?” *points at the ladies section*

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have any new stock currently. Is there something else you would like to buy?”

Customer: “What about the panties?”

Me: “Oh, yes. We have new stocks for those; they just came in yesterday. They are all there.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, they are new! What size do you think I’m wearing?”

Me: *already in a state of shock* “Oh, I think if it was you a size ‘M’ would be alright.”

Customer: “But I was previously wearing size ‘S’!”

(He pulls down his pants and “shows” me. Some things you can never unsee.)

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Let’s Hope He’s All Talk And No Trousers

| MI, USA | Rude & Risque

(At my job, we plan and host events for a small private college community. I am manning the phones, and I get a call from a retired professor trying to order tickets to a popular event that had sold out the week before.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but tickets sold out last week. If you like, I can put you on a waiting list in case someone cancels their reservation.”

Retired Professor: “Sure, sweetheart, let’s do that. We can always cross our fingers and hope that someone dies.”

Me: “…That, too.”

Retired Professor: “So, if I get a call from you, I’ll put pants on and bring the check over to the office?”

Me: “Okay…”

Retired Professor: “Or, maybe I’ll forget the pants. At my age, pants are optional.”

Me: “I envy you.”

Retired Professor: *has a wheezing laugh attack* “I hope I cheered you up on this rainy Monday, sweetheart! Have a nice day!” *click*

Best Put That Topic To Bed

| Nottinghamshire, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Top

(I work in the bedroom department. My job is to approach passers-by and ask about what they’re looking for. A couple I ask takes an interest in a headboard.)

Husband: “That’s no good for us, sweetie.”

Wife: “Why not?”

Husband: “Well…” *looks at me directly* “…there’s nowhere to put the handcuffs!”

(I worked in Ann Summers for a year, and whilst I was unemployed did paid reviews on BDSM and other such toys.)

Me: *smiling sweetly* “To be honest, the under-bed cuffing systems work so much better, especially the German makes. Plus they’re a lot more discreet. But if you’re infrequent users you may want to try bondage tape, it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, and it doesn’t like any visible marks or pulls on hair.”

Husband: *turns red*

Wife: *to her husband* “You had that coming.”

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