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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Fortunately For Us Both, I Like Crazy

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work in the “exotic phone call” industry. Most customers know they’re paying a lot of money for the call, so they don’t play games. But, every once in awhile, I get calls that even I find strange.)

    Caller: “Oooh, hey, what’s your name?”

    Me: “You can just call me ‘Candy.’”

    Caller: “Oh, no, I’m diabetic. Can I call you something else?”

    Me: “Well, my special callers call me ‘Silk,’ because I’m so smooth.”

    Caller: “Hmm, no. I don’t like silk… or satin.”

    Me: “Well, how ’bout this? What do you wanna call me?”

    Caller: “Err… Cortana? Like, from Halo?”

    Me: “Really? I LOVE Halo!”

    (In the end, this caller and I talked about the Halo franchise for roughly three hours without discussing anything even remotely dirty. It was the most enjoyable call I’d taken all month. To show my appreciation for the conversation, I took 50% off of his bill.)

    That’s The Way He Bypassed The Brady Punch

    | Brampton, ON, Canada | Rude & Risque, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m out for the evening with my younger sister. We’re just having a few drinks at a bar that’s close by. I’m 6’2″, 275 lbs, and my sister is 5’9, 180 lbs.)

    Drunk Guy: *to my sister* “You know you’ve got really nice tits. You know that, right?”

    Me: “Excuse you?”

    Drunk Guy: “No, really! She’s got a fantastic rack!”

    Me: “Buddy, back off. Go bother someone else.”

    Drunk Guy: “What’re you going to do about it? What are you, her boyfriend or some s*** like that?”

    (At this point, a bouncer walks up behind him. He knows our family as patrons of this bar.)

    Bouncer: *to the drunk guy* “First of all, I’m going to eject you from this place, by your will or otherwise. Secondly, I’m going to let this big guy here beat the snot out of you and that’s AFTER his sister kicks your A**, and I’m more scared of her than I am of him. Thirdly, that big guy right there is one of the most scary people that I’ve ever met, especially when protecting family.”

    Drunk Guy: *nods very quickly and shuffles out of the bar*

    Me: “Thanks.”

    Bouncer: “Nobody messes with this MOTHERF***ING family!” *walks off*

    Semper Bye Bye

    | Indiana, USA | At The Checkout, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m checking out a sleazy looking customer. He’s buying a gallon of milk. To not waste bags, we’re supposed to ask if people want their milk in a bag or if they’ll just carry it as is.)

    Me: “You want your milk in a bag?”

    Sleazy Customer: “Heh, heh. No, but I’ll take the milk in your bags. You got a boyfriend, sweetheart?”

    Me: “Oh yeah. He works here. One minute…” *over the intercom* “Greg to the front please, Greg.”

    (Greg isn’t my boyfriend, but Greg is one of our stock persons. Greg is about 6 feet tall and has been training for the Marines, so he’s completely ripped.)

    Sleazy Customer: *staring at my chest* “I bet he’s a real pansy. I could be a big man for you, sweetheart.”

    (I quietly take the customer’s money and give him back his change. Greg shows up to the front.)

    Greg: *to me* “What do you need?”

    Me: “Hey baby, this guy wanted to meet my boyfriend. He keeps talking about my…milk bags?”

    (The customer stares bug-eyed at Greg. Greg, for his part, doesn’t even miss a beat. He just leans toward the customer.)

    Greg: “Sir, the last man who sexually harassed my girl? I ripped him apart with my bare hands.”

    Sleazy Customer: *turns and runs out of the store*

    Me: *to the sleazy customer* “YOU FORGOT YOUR JUG OF MILK!”

    The Sole Of Discretion

    | New Jersey, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (There is an older customer who comes into our store often during overnights. She always announces herself as the “short blond lady.” She is actually very nice, but she spends at the least an hour at the store minimum, taking up a lot of the staff’s time.)

    Customer: “Where can I find erotic insoles? You know, the expensive ones that match your feet perfectly?”

    Me: “Um… you can find them over by aisle 17. We have a special machine for that.”

    Customer: “Thank you. I’ve always wanted to try erotics. They’re supposed to help for my back and legs especially walking around so often!”

    Me: “Yes, I heard they were very good. Pricey, but good.”

    (15 minutes later she comes back up with the insoles.)

    Customer: “Okay, so I found the erotic insoles… wait a minute, what are these called again?”

    Me: “They’re called orthotic insoles.”

    Customer: *laughs* “Oh! How embarrassing of me!”

    At Least We Know Her Natural Color

    | New Hampshire, USA | Rude & Risque

    (One of our stylists has just been fired, so one of her clients books with me for the first time. She is approximately 65 years old and uses a walker.)

    Me: “Hi! I’m [name], I’ll be taking care of you for your color today!”

    Client: “Hi, sweetie. Sorry, I’m a little slow. I just had a hip replacement.”

    (She stops dead in the middle of the busy salon, and without warning pulls down her pants. Apparently, she chose to go commando that day.)

    Client: “Look at this scar they gave me! It’s only a few months old.”

    Me: “Oh, that looks…uh…terrible. Why don’t you just have a seat and I’ll show you some color options…”

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