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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Oh, Dear God, It’s Growing Bigger

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

    (I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

    Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

    Customer #1: “Large.”

    Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

    Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

    Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”

    Scan-dalous

    | Kerang, Victoria, Australia | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working a cash register at a supermarket.)

    Me: “G’day, how’s it going?”

    Customer: “Yeah, pretty good, thanks.”

    (I begin to scan her items.)

    Me: “So do you have any plans for the rest of your day?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I hope to get laid for the first time in three years!”

    (I look over to see she had amongst her groceries: several punnets of strawberries, dipping chocolate, oysters, condoms, and personal lubricant.)

    Customer: *beaming*

    (I return to scanning her items in silence. She pays and gathers her items.)

    Me: “Have a great night.”

    Customer: “Oh, believe me, I will!”

    Makes No Difference How Things End Up

    | Colorado, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Rude & Risque, Top

    Me: “Alright, sir, your total is $69.19.”

    Customer: “Oh my god! 69! That’s hilarious!”

    (Suddenly, the customer becomes sad.)

    Customer: “Oh… but I have this coupon…”

    (He hands me a 50 cents off coupon.)

    Me: “That’s alright, sir! That coupon will take 50 cents off. Your total is now $68.69!”

    Customer: *dumbstruck* “This place is magical!”

    That Won’t Fly In This Store

    | Boston, MA, USA | Rude & Risque

    (A disheveled, belligerent customer approaches our manager.)

    Customer: “You need to tell me why that old woman on the third floor is cussin’ me out!”

    Manager: “Another customer, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah, she’s yellin’ at me, and you need to make her stop!”

    (The manager speaks with an employee upstairs to get the other customer’s side of the story, and then returns to the first customer.)

    Manager: “Sir, the other customer claims you exposed yourself to her.”

    Customer: “I’m a customer here all the time! You need to make her stop!”

    Manager: “Sir, I have to ask you to stop.”

    Customer: “What?! I’m a customer! Why?”

    Manager: “Because your fly is down.”

    Customer: “Well, it happens!”

    Time For Cup-ple’s Counseling

    | Melbourne, Australia | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a store that sells kitchen appliances. I have been helping a young couple with a blender set that they are interested in buying. Note: I am female.)

    Female Customer: “Would you mind if we open the box just to have a look at the parts?”

    Me: “Of course. That’s no problem!”

    Male Customer: “Yeah, we’re just wondering what kind of cup size you’ve got.”

    (There’s an awkward pause as the male customer realises what he’s just said.)

    Male Customer: “Oh! On the blender! I meant on the blender!” *quietly, to his wife* “That sounded bad, didn’t it?”

    Female Customer: *sighs* “Yes dear, it did…”


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