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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    18 And Blunder, Part 2

    | Bangor, ME, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work in a store that carries all kinds of DVDs, from G-rated all the way up to X and everything in-between. A boy, no older than 12, brings a soft-core pornography DVD up to my register.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell this to you.”

    Boy: “Why not?!”

    Me: “It’s inappropriate for someone of your age.”

    Boy: “My mom said I could have it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I still can’t sell it to you.”

    (The boy storms out of the store.)

    Co-worker: “Can you believe that?  Like his mom really said he could have that!”

    Me: “I know. Either he’s lying, or his mom only said he could have it because she doesn’t know what it’s about.”

    (Shortly thereafter the boy returns to the store with his mom. His mom stomps around the store, gets the DVD, and slams it down in front of me.)

    Mom: “I can’t believe I had to get out of the car for this!  You should have just sold it to him! He told you that I said he could have it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I can’t sell that video to anyone under the age of 18.”

    Mom: “Why not? Discrimination?”

    Me: “Not at all. It just contains things that most people feel is inappropriate for a child to see.”

    (The mom picks up the DVD and examines it for the first time. She looks at the front and then starts reading the back. The more she reads, the wider her eyes get. All of a sudden she drops the DVD and starts spanking her son’s butt. She drags him out of the store by his arm.)

    Boy: “But mom, you said I could have it!”

    Mom: “I didn’t know what it was about! I’m so embarrassed! I can’t believe I almost bought you porn!”

    Related:
    18 And Blunder

    He Is Twice The Man

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

    (For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

    Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

    (At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

    Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

    Someone Freed Willy

    | College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

    Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

    Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”

    A Touchy Subject

    | USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (My partner and I are certified EMTs. We are answering a 911 response for a minor having a seizure.)

    Mother: “Oh, thank god! My son is in his room and was violently shaking! I think he had a seizure!”

    (At this point my partner goes in to see the teenage son, who is sitting in his bed and is not showing any symptoms of recently having a seizure. I am still getting information from the mother when my partner returns.)

    My Partner: *to me* “You can stop getting info.” *to mother* “Ma’am, with all due respect needed, you’re son did not have a seizure, he was umm… well, no easy way to put this, but he was masturbating.”

    Mother: “That’s impossible! How dare you accuse my son of such a vile sin! He knows better! He’s a good Christian boy and would never touch himself in such a horrible way! You will transport him to the hospital for proper treatment for his seizure!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son is admitting to my partner what he was doing. He is not showing any symptoms of coming out of an actual seizure. There is no medical condition here for anyone to treat. I don’t think there is a need for him to go to the hospital.”

    Mother: “You will take him to the hospital! He needs treatment!”

    (After 15 unsuccessful minutes of trying to get the mother to cooperate, it’s obvious she wasn’t going to. We ended up having to transport her son to the ER. Needless to say, he was mortified and was quickly discharged.)

    The Panties Of Yeast Resistance

    | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am the lead in the lingerie department. After watching me for 15 minutes, a middle-aged man approaches me as I’m folding underwear. Note that this customer has bothered other female workers and is clearly a panty fetishist.)

    Customer: “So, I’m buying some panties for my teenage daughter. Are these something that she would like?” *hands me a satin thong*

    Me: “It depends on your daughter, but the pattern on them is nice.”

    Customer: “But, will she like them? You’re about the same age. Do you wear panties like these? You said that they were nice. Do you own a pair of these panties?”

    (I’ve worked in lingerie for awhile now and know what this customer is up to.)

    Me: “Oh no, sir. Thongs are very bad for vaginal health. They help bacteria move from the anus to the vulva area and can cause urinary tract infections. Plus, cotton underwear really are the best, as satin doesn’t breathe properly and can lead to yeast infections.”

    Customer: *stunned silence, turning red*

    Me: *leads him to the “granny panty” section* “Really, these would be the best for your daughter. They’re the only underwear that I’ll wear! It’s best for her vaginal health. This four-pack is very economical. Is there anything else I can help you with?

    Customer: *drops satin underwear and walks away very fast*

    Me: “Have a great day!”

    (My manager saw the exchange and gave me a high-five. The customer still bought underwear from us, but he never bothered another female worker again!)


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