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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    This Time, It’s Personal

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I work for a business management firm that deals primarily with people in the entertainment industry. My employer has decided to give out my personal cell phone number, without telling me, to one particular client who is incredibly needy. I receive a phone call on a weekend at about three am.)

    Me: *groggily answering the phone* “Hello?”

    Client: “There’s something wrong with my cable and I need you to fix it.”

    Me: “I… I’m sorry. I think you have the wrong number.”

    Client: “This is [My Name], right?”

    Me: “Um, yes? Who is this?”

    Client: “What? You mean you don’t recognize my voice? Seriously, how many times have I spoken to you on the phone? You should KNOW who this is.”

    Me: *I instantly figure out who it is* “Oh, hi. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was you. I also didn’t realize you had my personal number.”

    Client: “Yeah, [Boss] gave it to me and told me that you were on call for me whenever I needed something. I’m having a problem with my cable and I need you to fix it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. It’s three am on Sunday. I’m not in the office and don’t have access to your information right now. What seems to be the problem, though? Have you tried calling them directly?”

    Client: “No, I haven’t called them! That’s what I pay you for! Look, I’m trying to order a movie and it’s not going through. I keep getting an error message and it tells me to call this number on the screen.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to suggest you call the number provided and see if they can help. I don’t see how I will be of much use in the middle of the night on the weekend and out of the office.”

    Client: “Listen. I NEED to get this movie. I left my laptop in the studio and I need to watch porn, okay? Do you get it now? I NEED MY F****** PORN!”

    Me: “Look. I’m sorry, but as I mentioned before there isn’t anything I can do. Either call the cable company and have them try and help or it will have to wait until I’m in the office Monday morning.”

    Client: “Well, f*** you then! Just you wait until I call [Boss] and tell him about the HORRIBLE service you are providing. This is not what I pay you for!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Have a good night.” *hangs up*

    (Sure enough, the client did call my boss. When I came in on Monday he tried to tear me a new one for not helping out the client. I, in turn, went off on him about how unprofessional and not okay it was to give out my personal contact information without my consent and he shut up. No apology. I resigned that week.)

    Teaching Them To Be A Smart Cookie

    | Wyoming, MI, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I am a supervisor in a call center for a large online accommodation site. I get an angry guest escalated to me because she is unhappy about something that has appeared on her screen while browsing our site.)

    Me: “Hello. My name is [Name] and I’m a supervisor at [Site]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m am just calling to let you know that I am never using your site! Ever!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I was just browsing hotels in California and porn popped up in a sidebar on your website!”

    Me: “I’m sorry that happened, ma’am, but we have no control over that.”

    Customer: “Well you better get control over it quick!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re misunderstanding me. The advertisements on the side of your screen are based on your previous browsing history.”

    Customer: “I would never go on a site like that!”

    Me: “I understand that, ma’am, but I’m just trying to explain the technical aspect of how they work. Being that I work at [Site], I am on our site quite a bit and because of that, all the advertisements on the side are for [Site].”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, what do I do?”

    Me: “I can walk you through how to get rid of them if you’d like.”

    (I walked the customer through how to delete her cookies in her browser and she calmed down. She was very grateful for my help and stated that she was going to have some investigating to do with her husband and kids!)

    Some Requests Are Too Exotic

    | CA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “Hi. I would like to confirm my order of exotic Mexican dancers for my brother’s bachelor party.”

    Me: “Um, sir, are you sure you have the right number? This—”

    Customer: “I am getting late! I ordered them yesterday!”

    Me: “Sir, this is [Home Retail Store]‘”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know that! What am I, an idiot?”

    Me: “Um—”

    Customer: “Of course you would have Mexican dancers! Are you even qualified to work here? Even a KID would know that!”

    Me: “Er… sir, are you sure you are calling the right place? THIS IS [HOME RETAIL STORE]. Let me repeat, sir. NOT MEXICO.”

    Customer: “SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH THIS WOMAN A LESSON ABOUT HER JOB! WHAT KIND OF EMPLOYEE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEIR PRODUCTS ARE?”

    (Another employee comes up to me and mouths, ‘I’ll deal with him.’)

    Employee: “Sir, what are you looking for?”

    Customer: “I’M LOOKING FOR EXOTIC MEXICAN DANCERS FOR A BACHELOR PARTY! YOUR D*** EMPLOYEE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE IS DOING!”

    Employee: “Oh, I found your order. Repeat your order for me please?” *winks at me*

    Customer: “Finally! Someone who knows their job! The number is [number].”

    Employee: “Thank you for your order. For the inconvenience, you will get them free. Expect them around 6:30 pm. Enjoy your party!”

    The Heavenly Penny Finally Dropped

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Funny Names, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a small local library. A patron comes up to the front desk with a mischievous look in his eye. He plunks down a stack of movies.)

    Patron: “I didn’t know you guys had stuff like this.”

    (Not everyone knows that we lend videos and music, so I start on my standard ‘things you can get from the library’ spiel.)

    Patron: “No, man, I know about that! I meant porn!”

    Me: “Wha?”

    Patron: “Like this one, here!”

    (He holds up an old VHS.)

    Patron:Penis from Heaven!”

    Me: “‘Pennies,’” sir. It’s Pennies from Heaven.”

    Patron: “Oh. Well, you can keep it, then.”

    Where Blow Dry Has Another Meaning

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (I work at a shopping centre. A customer approaches the desk to ask for directions to a shop.)

    Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. Where is ‘Hairhouse Whorehouse?’”

    Me: “Um? Do you mean ‘Hairhouse Warehouse?’”

    Customer: “…Oh, god! What did I just say?!”


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