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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Trying To Get Caught With Your Pants Down

    | ON, Canada | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque

    (A customer in his 60s approaches me.)

    Customer: “Can I ask a strange question?”

    Me: “Go ahead. I’d be happy to help.”

    (He begins to adjust his pants.)

    Customer: “Can you check the tag for my size?”

    Me: “Let me stop you there, sir. The washroom is a short distance away and you can check the size yourself. When you get back I can help you find a pair of pants that fit you.”

    Customer: “Coward! What is your name?!”

    (I turned and walked away. I found out later that he complained to my manager that one of the employees refused to look down his pants.)

    Give Them An Inch And They’ll Take A Vile

    | Duluth, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I take a phone call for someone in the bedding department:)

    Customer: “I’m looking for a white duvet, but I need it to cover a bedspread that is 96 x 114. I can’t seem to find anything that will fit.”

    Me: “The closest thing I have is only 104″, but I think you could fit an extra 10″ in just fine.”

    Customer: “Oh, believe me, honey. I’ve stuffed 10″ in before!”

    Me: *stunned silence*

    Customer: *laughing* “What did you say your name was? I am definitely going to find you when I come in to the store!”

    Me: “Um, I think I can have it waiting at the checkout for you.”

    Number-Crusher

    | Cornelius, OR, USA | At The Checkout, One-Liners, Rude & Risque

    (I am 19 and working at the register in the slowest and emptiest part of the store, so I tend to get a lot of creepy people with no one in sight to help me. A customer in his 50s comes up and I ring him up. As I finish the transaction…)

    Customer: “So, do you have a boyfriend?”

    Me: *laughs, thinking he’s going to be sweet* “No.”

    Customer: “Wanna go out some time?”

    Me: “Oh, thank you but no.”

    Customer: *gets annoyed* “Why not?”

    Me: “Um… you’re just a little bit too old for me.”

    Customer: “You know, age is just a number in your mind…”

    Me: “Yeah, but yours is a REALLY big number…”

    Don’t (Mi)Stress Over It

    | Canberra, ACT, Australia | Bizarre, Religion, Rude & Risque

    (Most of the clients are 18-year-old girls getting their navels done or university students wanting unusual cartilage piercings. It is a really friendly place with a good reputation. I get a call:)

    Caller: “Hello? I was wondering if your studio has specific facilities?”

    Me: “I’d be happy to help, sir. What kind of facilities—”

    Caller: *cuts me off* “DON’T CALL ME SIR.” *in deadly serious whisper* “Call me mistress.”

    Me: “Ah… yes, mistress?”

    Caller: “That’s better. Is the studio sound-proof?”

    Me: “No, mistress. I can’t say that it is.”

    Caller: “I see. Does it have restraints?”

    (The man in question goes on to ask an increasingly creepy list of demands. It turns out he’s a professional dominatrix and apparently people pay money to live with him and be his ‘slaves.’ Needless to say we weren’t what he was looking for, so I suggested he contact a few establishments located in the ‘sex industry’ areas of the city, who might be able to help.)

    Me: “… anyway, mistress, to sum up for you, we just don’t do that sort of thing here. I hope [Other Business Names] will be able to assist you.”

    Caller: *absolutely delighted* “Oh, you have been so helpful! Please, call me by my Christian name: Mistress Alexi!”

    Boss: *after telling her all about it* “I’m pretty open-minded, but no way in h*** is there anything Christian about that!”

    Exposed For What It Really Is

    | CA, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working the opening shift at a chain coffee shop. It’s six am and I’m prepping for the morning rush at the bar.)

    Female Customer: *quietly and embarrassed* “Hi. So, that man sitting outside by the window over there… I think he has his penis outside of his pants.”

    (I look over and it’s a regular customer who pops in throughout the day. I turn back to her.)

    Me: “Him, over there?”

    Female Customer: ” Yes. I don’t know if maybe a male employee can go check and see?”

    (I summon my male shift lead, who is confused at the accusation.)

    Me: “If it’s true, I don’t want to know that much about him. Will you take a peek so I can help this woman feel, you know, not sexually harassed?”

    (He reluctantly goes outside and talks to our regular and quickly heads back inside holding back a smile.)

    Shift Lead: “He’s holding his sunglasses case in his lap.”

    (The case was the exact same color as his skin tone. We told him about it later and all cracked up.)

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