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  • Retract The Tract
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  • July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Hooked On One Ad Only

    | London, England, UK | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (We have a small ad board where patrons can pay to put up notices and adverts. Two eagle-eyed old ladies noticed that such a patron is promoting her psychic hotline while also promoting her other business venture… a massage parlour.)

    Old Lady #1: “This is completely unacceptable.”

    Library Manager: “I do apologise that this might offend you ladies, but there is nothing I can do.”

    Old Lady #2: “We demand you take it down!”

    Library Manager: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but we cannot prove that her business isn’t legitimate. She has paid for both notices and they are at opposite ends of the board.”

    Old Lady #1: “But she is a fraud!”

    Old Lady #2: “She is preying on vulnerable people!”

    Library Manager: “One moment, are you referring to just her psychic business?”

    Old Ladies: “Yes!”

    Library Manager: “And you want just that one taken down?”

    Old Ladies: “Yes!”

    Old Lady #1: “Look, if she’s a hooker she’s probably not a real psychic…”

    Dora Hasn’t Explored That Yet

    | FL, USA | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I’m bagging a customer’s purchases when a woman and a little girl in a Dora the Explorer shirt walk by.)

    Me: “Do you know how Dora the Explorer got her name?”

    Customer: *suddenly horrified* “Uh… no…”

    Me: “Because the Spanish word for ‘explorer’ is ‘exploradora.'”

    Customer: “Oh, thank God. I thought you were going to say she was named after a porn star or something.”

    Me: “…”

    A Very Low-Rent Girl

    | Dublin, Ireland | Bad Behavior, Money, Rude & Risque

    (I work as a representative for a landlord as he has many apartment buildings. I collect the rent and deliver it to him. I deal with any problems that the residents have. I also deal with people whose rent is overdue. I am speaking with a young woman.)

    Me: “Do you realise that your rent is one month overdue?”

    Woman: “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize; can I pay it now?”

    (I go to get a form for her. When I come back, she is lying on the desk, completely naked.)

    Woman: “Is this enough to pay my rent?”

    Me: “If you put your clothes on right now I will pretend this didn’t happen.”

    (She walks up to me.)

    Me: “Miss, I recommend you put your clothes on right now or I will have to contact the landlord.”

    Woman: “Oh, come on. I know you want it.”

    Me: “Miss, there is a security camera in the corner.”

    (She looked up, screamed and calls me a pervert, and then ran out of my office. A few seconds later she ran back in, grabbed her clothes, and ran out again.)

    Finally Gets The Massage Message

    | South Bend, IN, USA | Rude & Risque

    (We’ve had a man call several times trying to engage in sexual conversation.)

    Man: “Do you carry massagers? Like personal massagers? The kind for female pleasure?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Man: “Could you suggest one?”

    Me: “I can not.”

    Man: “Oh! Are you a virgin?”

    Me: “No, I’m asexual.”

    Man: “A… sexual?”

    Me: “Yes, it means I get no pleasure from sexual stimulation, or even from talking to perverted men on the phone.”

    Man: “Oh…” *click*

    (He hasn’t called back.)

    Maybe They Were Cream-Filled?

    | OH, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (We are having yard sale at our house, where I am selling all kinds of things including chocolate molds for making different types of chocolate candies. A very nice and friendly elderly lady approaches me to chat about them.)

    Lady: “You know, I used to have to buy chocolate by the 100 lb. bag because I made and sold so much candy.”

    Me: “Wow, sounds like you were pretty busy with it!”

    Lady: “Oh, yes, I had a room in my home dedicated to it. Most of my customers were my coworkers at [Local Plant].”

    Me: “How nice.”

    (I’m trying to be polite but I’ve got to be available for others to ask questions or make purchases.)

    Lady: “I used to make chocolate penises.”

    Me: “How ni— Wait, what?”

    Lady: “Penises. I made a birthday cake covered with chocolate penises for a coworker. It said, ‘here’s the beef!’ Ha! Penises! Can you imagine?”

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