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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    A Diminishing Set Of Returns

    , | Sydney, NSW, Australia | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (I am working the drive-thru pretty late at night. A man that seems to be in his mid-20’s pulls up.)

    Customer: “I’d like to order [Item].”

    Me: “Sure, would you like a drink with that?”

    Customer: “A Coke.”

    (He deliberately mispronounces it so it sounds like something a lot ruder and snickers.)

    Me: “Ah, sure. What size?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. What size do YOU think it is? What size suits me?”

    (At this point I’m fed up with his poor attempt at innuendo.)

    Me: “Well, sir, we don’t have an extra small, but I can give you a small. Please drive through.”

    (He shut up pretty quickly, and didn’t even speak to me for the rest of the transaction. I served him a few times after that and he was always very quiet!)

    Avoid A Shake With The Snake

    | WA, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    (It’s Valentine’s day and my boyfriend and I are at a restaurant. While we are waiting for a table, we go to a pet store next door where we hold a ball python. After we get seated, he gets up to go the bathroom to wash his hands. On his way, he passes a waiter that we know well.)

    Waiter: “Hey, man, how’s it going?” *sticks out his hand to shake*

    Boyfriend: “Sorry, man, I’d shake but I was just playing with a python.”

    (It didn’t the hit him until he was in the bathroom how dirty it sounded.)

    A Hobby-tual Hazard

    | UK | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (Before we take customers through to pre-testing we have to go through some basic details with them.)

    Me: “So, how many hours are you looking at a computer?”

    Elderly Customer: “At least three, usually more!”

    Me:“That’s cool. One last question, do you have any hobbies that could strain your eyes?”

    (He thinks long and hard.)

    Elderly Customer: “Does Internet porn count as a hobby?”

    (Everyone, including the manager, bursts out laughing. After tearing up my only response is:)

    Me: “Only if you put real effort into it…”

    The Breast Awareness, Part 2

    | SA, Australia | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (I work in the store my parents own, when my father, who works at a hardware store up the road, comes in for lunch like he usually does. He proceeds to match stories with me about what we call ‘Thickhead Thursday’ customers. He tells me about a particularly rude man who abused all the assistants in his hardware store. No more than five minutes after, said customer walks into our store.)

    Customer: *looks at dad* “OH, GOD!”

    Me: “Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

    Customer: *still looking at my father* “I bought this watch band and I need a new crimp clip for it.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. We don’t keep them, but I can give you the maker’s details and you can contact him. He lives here in town.”

    (The customer finally looks at me and notices I have decent sized breasts. His eyes do not move from them for the rest of the conversation.)

    Customer: “Thank you for your help. You’re a lovely girl.”

    (He leaves.)

    Dad: “Shame, I wanted him to have a go at you.  I wanted to tell him to f*** off. Why didn’t he?”

    Me: “I have breasts.”

    Related:
    The Breast Awareness

    Toiling In The Toilet

    | TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Thank you for calling. My name is [My Name]. Whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with tonight?”

    Customer: “Listen, this is going to be an odd request, but I need you to bring me some toilet paper.”

    Me: *already knowing this is a prank call* “I wish I could, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, why can’t you?”

    Me: “Because I’m not at your house, sir.”

    Customer: “No, see, I’m not at my house. I’m in the back.”

    Me: “In the back… of one of our stores?”

    Customer: “Yes. And there’s no toilet paper back here, so I need you to bring me some.”

    Me: “Okay, sir. And which store are you located at?”

    Customer: *sighs* “Listen… why are you playing games with me?”

    Me: “I’m not, sir. I’m simply asking because the store you are in may not be located in the same place, or the same state, that I’m in.”

    Customer: *long pause* “F*** it, I’m just going to use my hand.”  *click*

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