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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Top Shelf Morals, Bottom Shelf Attitude

    | Medford, MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Underaged

    (I am stocking magazines at a bookstore when two young boys reach high up on the shelves and grab adult magazines. They hunch over and open the magazines to gawk at the photos.)

    Me: “Excuse me, are you guys 18 or over?”

    Boy #1: “Why, what’s it to you?”

    Me: “It’s my job, actually. If you’re not 18, you can’t even touch those. Would you put that magazine back, please?”

    Boy #2: “I’m 18.”

    (Boy #2 is obviously about 12 or 13 from his height and appearance.)

    Me: “Really? What year were you born?”

    Boy #2: “None of your business!”

    Me: “Okay, both of you put those magazines back, right now.”

    Boy #1: “I’m 18, too.”

    (Just then, a young mother carrying a baby and a diaper bag approaches the counter a few feet away.)

    Young Mother: *to cashier* “Can I ask you for a certain book?”

    Cashier: “Sure, what are you looking for?”

    Young Mother: “It’s called ‘How to Raise a Moral Child‘.”

    (Boy #1 and Boy #2 burst out laughing, catching the attention of the young mother, who looks over disapprovingly. The boys laugh and turn away from her, now facing me.)

    Me: *arms crossed, leaning in* “How about now?”

    (They stop laughing abruptly, put the magazines back on the nearest shelf, and slink out.)

    Toy Glory

    | MD, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am assistant manager at an adult novelty item store. Two teenage girls approach the counter giggling to themselves. They sheepishly each place a particular kind of adult novelty item on the counter.)

    Me: “Would you ladies also require batteries for your items?”

    Girl #1: “Oh, these don’t come with batteries?”

    Me: “No, it’s typically how the manufacturers of these products save money on production.”

    Girl #1: *giggles* “No, thank you. I’m buying this for a friend.”

    Girl #2: “Yes, me too. I’m also buying this for a friend. She won’t need batteries.”

    (I conclude the purchase with the embarrassed young ladies and begin to assist the next customer, a woman in her late 20s/early 30s.)

    Woman: “Yes, I will be needing batteries because I’m buying this for me!”

    Me: “Can I please shake your hand?”

    Mama Puts A Stammer In Your Swagger

    | OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m up working the cash register on a slow day, when a teenage boy comes up. He looks to be about 14. He’s sagging his pants, trying to look tough.)

    Customer: “Hey, baby.”

    Me: “Hi there, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: *leans on the counter* “You can get me your number.”

    (I’m 25, and engaged.)

    Me: “Sorry, but that’s not going to happen. Can I help you with anything else?”

    Customer: “Why the f*** not, you stupid b****?!”

    Me: “One: That would be illegal. Two: I am happily engaged. And three: even if I ignore the first two, it’s against company policy.”

    Customer: “You’re a f***ing b****! You should be happy I want a piece of your a**!”

    (As the customer continues ranting and raving, a woman appears behind him. She reaches out and taps his shoulder twice.)

    Customer: “What the f*** do you want—”

    (He turns around. All the color drains from his face. He manages to squeak out some words.)

    Customer: “Hi, mama.”

    (She smacks him across the face.)

    Customer’s Mom: “I did not raise you to be a self-entitled douche-bag! I did not raise you to think you are better than this poor girl!” *she grabs him by the ear, and shoves him against the counter, facing me* “Now, apologize!”

    Customer: “But mom!”

    Customer’s Mom: “Now!”

    (He looks close to tears. He mumbles out how sorry he is, and how it wasn’t fair of him to treat me like a piece of meat. His mom, by his ear, pushes him towards the door.)

    Customer’s Mom: “Go.”

    (He walks out of the store, ready to cry. She turns to me, gives me a huge smile, apologizes again, and even buys me a gift card. Apparently there are some good parents still out there!)

    A Real Mystery Shopper

    | IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I answer a phone call while working the cash register. The voice on the other end is male.)

    Caller: *obviously uncomfortable* “Um… uh… could I ask you to do me a favor?”

    Me: “Certainly. What do you need?”

    Customer: “Can you grab a box of tampons and hold it at the counter for me?” *he specifies the brand and strength* “I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

    Me: “Uh, sure.”

    Customer: “Thanks.”

    (A little while later, a man comes up in line with several grocery items.)

    Customer: *mutters* “I believe you’re holding an item for me?”

    (I grab the box and, taking care to hold it lower than counter level so others don’t see, I confirm that the item is correct. When he nods, I scan it as stealthily as possible and slip it into his bag.)

    Customer: *looks around nervously* “Thank you so much.”

    (Later, I’m telling my boss about the odd incident.)

    Boss: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it…” *begins to sing the ‘Mission: Impossible’ theme*

    Needs A Stern Conversation With Her Son

    | Medford, MA, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (It is 1993. I am working the register when an elderly woman comes up to the counter.)

    Customer: “Do you have that book, Body Parts?”

    Me: “Hmm, I don’t know that one by name, but let’s see if we can find it. Who’s the author?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. It’s that new story, Body PartsBody Parts.”

    Me: “Hmm, okay, just give me one second to look it up so we can find it on the shelves. All our fiction is alphabetical by author.”

    (I look it up in our primitive computer, and find an old book.)

    Me: “Well, I don’t have that book here, but I can order it for you. It would take one to two weeks.”

    Customer: “Why don’t you have it? My son says it’s a bestseller! You should have a lot of them! He saw it here and I want to get it for him for his birthday!”

    Me: “Actually, it’s a few years old and we haven’t had it in the store for some time now. When’s his birthday? Maybe I can get it in time.”

    Customer: “No, he saw it here yesterday! Body Parts! It’s a bestseller.”

    Me: *flash of recognition* “Wait, a bestseller, right? Are you looking for Private Parts by Howard Stern?”

    Customer: “That’s what I said! Private Parts! Private Parts!”

    (The woman is now yelling the correct name of the book. Other customers turn to look and giggle.)

    Me: “Of course, Private Parts. Sorry, I must have heard you wrong. Right this way.”

    (I bring her to the best sellers rack and hand her a copy of the book. The cover has a photo of the disk jockey Howard Stern, naked, but holding a cloth over his private parts.)

    Me: “Is this the book?”

    Customer: *squints through her glasses at the book* “Oh! This is disgusting! Ugh! My no-good son’s gonna get it!”

    (She drops the book on the floor and walks out in a huff.)

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