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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    A Touchy Subject

    | USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque

    (My partner and I are certified EMTs. We are answering a 911 response for a minor having a seizure.)

    Mother: “Oh, thank god! My son is in his room and was violently shaking! I think he had a seizure!”

    (At this point my partner goes in to see the teenage son, who is sitting in his bed and is not showing any symptoms of recently having a seizure. I am still getting information from the mother when my partner returns.)

    My Partner: *to me* “You can stop getting info.” *to mother* “Ma’am, with all due respect needed, you’re son did not have a seizure, he was umm… well, no easy way to put this, but he was masturbating.”

    Mother: “That’s impossible! How dare you accuse my son of such a vile sin! He knows better! He’s a good Christian boy and would never touch himself in such a horrible way! You will transport him to the hospital for proper treatment for his seizure!”

    Me: “Ma’am, your son is admitting to my partner what he was doing. He is not showing any symptoms of coming out of an actual seizure. There is no medical condition here for anyone to treat. I don’t think there is a need for him to go to the hospital.”

    Mother: “You will take him to the hospital! He needs treatment!”

    (After 15 unsuccessful minutes of trying to get the mother to cooperate, it’s obvious she wasn’t going to. We ended up having to transport her son to the ER. Needless to say, he was mortified and was quickly discharged.)

    The Panties Of Yeast Resistance

    | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am the lead in the lingerie department. After watching me for 15 minutes, a middle-aged man approaches me as I’m folding underwear. Note that this customer has bothered other female workers and is clearly a panty fetishist.)

    Customer: “So, I’m buying some panties for my teenage daughter. Are these something that she would like?” *hands me a satin thong*

    Me: “It depends on your daughter, but the pattern on them is nice.”

    Customer: “But, will she like them? You’re about the same age. Do you wear panties like these? You said that they were nice. Do you own a pair of these panties?”

    (I’ve worked in lingerie for awhile now and know what this customer is up to.)

    Me: “Oh no, sir. Thongs are very bad for vaginal health. They help bacteria move from the anus to the vulva area and can cause urinary tract infections. Plus, cotton underwear really are the best, as satin doesn’t breathe properly and can lead to yeast infections.”

    Customer: *stunned silence, turning red*

    Me: *leads him to the “granny panty” section* “Really, these would be the best for your daughter. They’re the only underwear that I’ll wear! It’s best for her vaginal health. This four-pack is very economical. Is there anything else I can help you with?

    Customer: *drops satin underwear and walks away very fast*

    Me: “Have a great day!”

    (My manager saw the exchange and gave me a high-five. The customer still bought underwear from us, but he never bothered another female worker again!)

    Not So Profound Profanities

    | UK | At The Checkout, Family & Kids, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (While waiting at the self-checkout tills, I overhear this conversation.)

    Customer #1: “This bloody till won’t work! Why won’t it scan my coupons?”

    (At this, an employee appears to help.)

    Employee: “Here we are, ma’am. You just put your coupons in this slot here and it should work.”

    (Suddenly, a middle-aged woman with a young daughter who are using another self-checkout pipes up.)

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “Excuse me, could you please refrain from using language like that in public? I don’t want my daughter picking up bad habits”.

    Customer #1: “Oh, of course!” *to Customer #2′s daughter* “I’m sorry, sweetie. Never ever use the word you heard me use just now…”

    Customer #2: “Thanks!”

    (Customer #2 smiles and gets back to scanning her items, but Customer #1 isn’t done speaking.)

    Customer #1: “…unless you’re really f***ed off, that is!”

    She’s No Bashful Biddy

    | Alberta, Canada | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Top

    (A sweet little old lady comes up to my till with her walker. She is probably in her nineties or late eighties and looks like your stereotypical sweet old granny.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, Miss! How’s it going today?”

    Little Old Lady: “Quite well, thank you! And calling me ‘Miss’, ha!  You’re such a sweet girl. Made my day!”

    Me: “Glad to be of service! Do you need a hand with your basket?”

    Little Old Lady: “Oh, no, I try to do things for myself even if they’re harder. Keeps me young.”

    (We go through the transaction, chatting away, and at the end she uses her debit card. It’s a chip card and she tries to swipe it, so I correct her.)

    Me: “Oh! That’s a chip card. The stripe probably won’t work, so can you please just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

    Little Old Lady: “What’s that, sorry?”

    Me: “Can you just slide that right up there in the bottom?”

    Little Old Lady: *deadpans* “That’s what she said.”

    (It took about five seconds before I and the other guy in line burst out laughing.)

    Other Customer: “A lady your age saying that? Nice move, ma’am!”

    Little Old Lady: “That’s MISS!” *devilish little grin* “And I’m old, not dead. Have a nice day!”

    (She slowly makes her way out of the store, slow as only the elderly can be. The other customer and I look at one another, tears still wet on my face from laughter.)

    Me: “Best older customer ever.”

    Other Customer: “F*** yes!”

    Oh, Dear God, It’s Growing Bigger

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque

    (I am selling t-shirts at Dragon*Con, a very large media/SF convention in Atlanta. One of our most popular shirts is one with, “This is my Boomstick” emblazoned on the front, with an outline of Ash from the Evil Dead movies. As we are very busy, I’m in the habit of glancing at the shirt and asking the customer for the size to make checkout faster.)

    Me: “…and what size is your boomstick, sir?”

    Customer #1: “Large.”

    Me: “I can’t believe I said that. Sorry.”

    Customer #1: “Um, okay.”

    Customer #2: *hands me money* “Just to let you know, MY boomstick is extra-large!”


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