Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Red (Light) Flagged Caller

| Cork, Ireland | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(I work in one of several worldwide call-centers, taking new reservations and changes/requests to existing reservations with a major luxury hotel chain. Customers often think we are at the hotel they are calling, because we greet them using the hotel name.)

Me: “Good morning! Thank you for calling [hotel located in Amsterdam]. How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Hi. I have a reservation for next week for two nights in your hotel. I am flying in from New York and have a two-day layover there in Amsterdam, and I basically just have a few questions.”

Me: “Certainly, sir, I’ll answer those for you.”

Guest: “Okay. So, I have a room booked for myself for those two nights. Is the rate any different if someone else is staying in the room with me?”

Me: “No, not at all. Not unless you have booked a breakfast rate. If breakfast is included, the rate is €10 higher, if you are both having breakfast.”

Guest: “Okay good. They won’t be having breakfast.”

Me: “They? The room is a two-person maximum, sir. If you want more people in there, you have to book a larger room.”

Guest: “Well, that’s my second question: is it a problem if there are two different people joining me on the two different nights?”

Me: “Oh… no, as long as it just one on each night, then the rate is still the same. Do you have any other questions?”

Guest: “Yeah… how far are you guys from the red light district?”

Me: “Um… we are about half a mile away, sir.”

Guest: “And is it safe walking between the hotel and the district? You know where I am going with this right?”

Me: “Yes. I think I have pretty good idea, sir. There should be no issue walking between us and the district, sir. Otherwise our concierge can arrange a cab for you. Any further questions?”

Guest: “No, I think that’s all. Thank you so much for your help! Have a great day!”

(The call ends, and my coworker turns to me.)

Coworker: “Another ‘John’ going to Amsterdam?”

Me: “Yup.”

The Code Has Three ‘X’s In It

, | USA | Rude & Risque

(I’ve been on the phone for a good ten minutes at this point with a woman in her late 80s who has a strong Southern accent. She has been extremely prim and proper for the entire call.)

Me: “And do you have the offer code?”

Caller: “Offer code? What’s that, dear?”

Me: “It should be printed on the order form near where your name is located.”

Caller: “One moment. Oh, I found it!”

Me: *waits*

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Ma’am, may I have the code please?”

Caller: “Oh, of course, sweetie. It’s F as in ‘f***.’ D as in ‘d***.’ A as in ‘a**.'”

(The caller pauses before continuing, suddenly sounding very smug.)

Caller: “All of which I enjoy a great deal when it comes to my men.”

(I still have no idea how I managed to hold in my laughter until after I finished placing her order.)

Blind To The TMI Boundary

| MI, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(We sell blinds and wallpaper.)

Customer: “I need some blinds that will give me lots of privacy.”

Me: “We have a lot of different options. You may be interested in a blackout cellular shade. Do you have anything specific in mind?”

Customer: “Well, I need something that won’t get damaged if it gets Vaseline on it.”

Me: “Okay. Maybe a faux wood or wood blind then?”

Customer: “Can you see shadows through it? Because I like to cover my whole body in Vaseline and crawl around like a slug, and I don’t want my neighbors to see me.”

Me: “…um …no, you shouldn’t be able to see shadows.”

They Made It Through The Wilderness A While Back

| MN, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

(I am working at a restaurant that has only been open a few months. Since this franchise is new to the area, most people have never seen it before, and we often meet with newcomers. My boss often likes to call these newcomers ‘virgins’, since they have never tried our food. Two ladies walk in, one being the older mother of the middle aged other woman.)

Boss: “Welcome! Have you guys ever been here before?”

Younger Woman: “No, we haven’t. This is our first time!”

Boss: *jokingly calling to the rest of our staff* “Looks like we’ve got some virgins here!”

Older Woman: *completely serious* “Oh, not for a looong time.”

Animal Attraction

| MO, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(The animal shelter I work at accepts volunteers for work. I am on shift with a volunteer, an attractive lady who is in her 20s. I am male. She is laying on the floor in the office, playing with a puppy while I do some paperwork nearby. The puppy rests his head on her bottom and falls asleep. An elderly patron who often visits the shelter to play with cats walks in.)

Elderly Patron: “What a cute pup! Look where his head is!”

(The patron turns to me and grins.)

Elderly Patron: “Don’t you wish your head was where his is, young man?”

(I almost choke.)

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