Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
    (2,183 thumbs up)
  • Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    His Size Is XX-Creepy

    | Papillion, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (A male customer approaches me, holding a package of men’s underwear.)

    Customer: “Ma’am, can I ask you to do something that is probably outside your job description?”

    Me: “What is it?”

    (He puts the package down and sticks his hands in the back of his pants.)

    Customer: “Okay, I need a new pair of underwear. I don’t know what size I wear, and I can’t read the tag.”

    Me: “You can go in one of the men’s fitting rooms and check.”

    Customer: “D*** it!”

    Customer Service Stripped Bare

    | Clifton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I have a line of three customers on my register. Customer #1 is a good looking man in his early twenties. Customers #2 and #3 are elderly women.)

    Me: “Your total is $15.87.”

    Customer #1: “Do you take credit card?”

    Me: “Yes, just push the top button and slide your card through.”

    (Customer #1 pushes the button and slides his card, but does it the wrong way. I am bagging his items, so I don’t see this until he has tried three times.)

    Me: “Strip down, facing me.”

    (Customer #1 blushes, and I immediately realize what I’ve just said. I’m about to apologize to the elderly ladies for being risqué when…)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, honey, show us what you’ve got!”

    Purple People Displeaser

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (I work in the customer service department for an adult goods store. I receive a phone call.)

    Me: “Hello, you’re speaking to [name] at [adult store]; how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’m not happy with my order; it’s the wrong colour! I want an apology!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir; if you give me the order number I’ll investigate.”

    (The customer gives me his order number, and we verify the security details.)

    Me: “Okay, so which item was incorrect, please?”

    Customer: “It was the Purple [Name]!”

    Me: “I see, I’m very sorry to hear that. What colour did you receive?”

    Customer: “Purple! I don’t like purple!”

    Me: “So, you ordered an item called the Purple [Name], but you didn’t want it in purple? I’m afraid it only comes in purple, but we’d be happy to refund you.”

    Customer: “That’s not good enough! How was I supposed to know it was purple?! I don’t like purple things!”

    Me: “Okay, did you purchase this through our website?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was looking at the pictures and this one looked good, so I added it to my basket!”

    Me: “So, you saw that the item was purple in the picture. You saw it had purple in the name, and then you added it to your basket, and confirmed this when you selected your payment method; is that correct?”

    Customer: “Yes! But it didn’t send me a message to say it was purple! Your company is terrible!”

    Acting Like A Dog

    | NC, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    Customer: “You’re a very pretty girl. How old are you?”

    (I get flustered and blush as I finish the paperwork for his dog’s stay.)

    Me: “Uh, thank you, sir. I just, uh, I just turned 21.”

    Customer: “You’re still a little girl! I’ll be 40 this month. You know what that means: prostate exams. Do you know anything about prostate exams?”

    (I am hurriedly finishing the paperwork.)

    Me: “Your total is $235. Thank you for choosing our kennel. I hope Bruiser enjoyed his stay! He’s a sweetie; we would welcome him back anytime.”

    Customer: “You didn’t answer my question. Do you know anything about prostate exams?”

    (He winks at me.)

    Me: “No, sir. I do not. How would you like to pay?”

    (He leans over the counter.)

    Customer: “A pretty little redhead like you? I’m sure you know a lot about a lot of things.”

    Me: “I see you’ve previously used Visa. Would you like for us to charge the same card?”

    Customer: “I’d like for you to answer my question, honey.”

    (A coworker has overheard our interaction came to the front. He is approximately 6’3″ and solid muscle. His hair is also a brighter shade of red than mine.)

    Coworker: “I heard somebody up here likes redheads.”

    Customer: “I was talking to—”

    Coworker: “I know who you were talking to, and if you do not stop talking to her, the only thing that will be up your a** is my foot. Now how would you like to pay, sir?”

    (The customer promptly pays. The kennel owner received complaints about both my coworker and I, but she had also had incredibly creepy interactions with this client. She informed him that his business was no longer welcome.)

    He Came First

    | ACT, Australia | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (Two customers enter at the same time. One is a woman, and the other is a man in his 70s. I get their scripts ready. As the woman is done first, I send her up to the tills while I finish with the man. Since there is another customer at the tills, I end up putting the man through before the woman is served.)

    Woman: “I was here first! How come he is served before me? What does he have that I don’t?

    (The man responds without a second thought.)

    Man: “Raw sex appeal.”

    (If I was allowed to discount scripts, I would have given him his for free.)

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