Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Where Blow Dry Has Another Meaning

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(I work at a shopping centre. A customer approaches the desk to ask for directions to a shop.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Where is ‘Hairhouse Whorehouse?’”

Me: “Um? Do you mean ‘Hairhouse Warehouse?’”

Customer: “…Oh, god! What did I just say?!”

Getting Chesty About The Law

| Rio de Janeiro, Brazil | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I’m an American married to a Brazilian, and I spend several months a year in Brazil. I work at a beachside stall serving beer and snacks. A pair of American tourists are in front of me, and the woman is topless, which is strictly illegal in Brazil, but many assume otherwise.)

Man: “Hi. Two cervezas and, uh, some chips. You got chips?”

Server: *in Portuguese* “Ma’am, you can’t be topless here! The police could arrest you. You need to cover up.”

Woman: “What are you talking about? I don’t speak Spanish.”

Me: “Lady, he’s telling you that you need to cover up.”

Woman: “What? Like h*** I do. This is Brazil!”

Me: “Yeah, a Catholic country that bans public nudity. You can be arrested.”

Man: “F*** off. This is Brazil. People go topless on the beach all the time.”

Me: “Well, look around at the beach. You’re the only woman in sight without a top on.”

Woman: “Mind your d*** business.” *they walk off in a huff*

Server: “I wonder if they noticed that they’re about to walk right past three police cars?”

Me: “Probably not.”

(I stood there, sipping my beer, and watched as the woman was cited for public nudity.)

Natural Medicine Versus Naturist Medicine

| GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

(I work for a local orthopedic surgeon. One of my jobs is to remove post-op braces and put casts on. I’m a young woman; the patient is a 19-year old man.)

Me: “Okay, sir. You’ll be in room three. I need to go get some supplies, but go on and sit on the exam table. Make yourself comfortable.”

(The patient nods and hops up on the table. I cut the splint off his leg. We request patients wear gym shorts so we don’t have to cut their jeans. I walk out to get supplies and close the door. When I return, I knock twice and open the door. He’s laid out on the table, naked, and playing with his PSP.)

Me: “Um, sir? I didn’t need you to remove your clothes.”

Patient: “What? You told me to get comfortable!”

Ejected From The Library

| New York, NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

(I’m an assistant librarian. We have a section of computers for our patrons to use, located directly next to the children’s section. One day while I’m re-shelving kid’s books, I hear what sounds like people having sex. I turn to look and see an old man sitting at one of the computers watching VERY explicit porn.)

Me: “Sir! Excuse me, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to turn that off.”

Old Man: “No! This is a free country!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but not only is that inappropriate content, we’re right next to the children’s section. You don’t want any of them to see that sort of thing. Do you?”

Old Man: “It’s perfectly natural! They should see it! I knew all about this sort of thing when I was their age!”

Me: “…sorry, what!?”

Old Man: “My mother was a w****! I lost my virginity when I was ten! There’s nothing wrong with kids knowing about sex!”

Me: “There are so many things wrong with that statement that I can’t even list them.”

(I ended up having to call the police to remove him because he was making a scene. He was banned from the library, but he still tries to sneak in every few months to watch porn on our computers.)

This Patron Has A Drinking Problem

| Houston, TX, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work at the circulation desk at a small academic library.)

Patron: *very red-faced* “Um, can you do something?”

Me: “…about?”

Patron: “There’s a woman in the computer lab and she… um…”

(My coworker and I finally manage to get it out of the stammering, embarrassed man that a woman apparently has breastfed her infant and forgot to ‘tuck herself back in’ after the infant was finished eating.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy. You want this one?”

Me: “Got it.”

(I walk up to the woman and lean down quietly to her ear.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open-drink containers in the library.”

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