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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    He Came First

    | ACT, Australia | At The Checkout, Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (Two customers enter at the same time. One is a woman, and the other is a man in his 70s. I get their scripts ready. As the woman is done first, I send her up to the tills while I finish with the man. Since there is another customer at the tills, I end up putting the man through before the woman is served.)

    Woman: “I was here first! How come he is served before me? What does he have that I don’t?

    (The man responds without a second thought.)

    Man: “Raw sex appeal.”

    (If I was allowed to discount scripts, I would have given him his for free.)

    Age Before Lewdy

    | UK | Rude & Risque

    (A coworker and I are talking about birthdays. A woman, around 70, is in the shop, and decides to add to our conversation in a very unique way.)

    Me: “Everyone in my family says I’m really hard to buy for, so I’m pretty much guaranteed to get pyjamas from everyone I know.”

    Coworker: “I’m the same. I probably have more pyjamas than actual clothes.”

    70-year-old Customer: “Oh, I’m the same, but with night dresses. I prefer them because they’re easier access.” *winks*

    Chat Up Knock Down

    | LA, USA | Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Top

    (My boyfriend, who is 5’9″ and 175 lbs. of lean muscle, has come to visit me at work. He’s standing across the counter from me when a customer walks in. Not wanting to be in the way, he moves to stand near our fountain drink. The customer walks up to the counter and gives me a lecherous smirk.)

    Customer: “How you doin’ hot stuff? You sure are fine.”

    Me: *rolls eyes* “I’m not interested. I have a boyfriend, and he’s—”

    Customer: “Yeah, sure. I’ll bet he’s a p****. I’ll show you a real man.”

    Me: “I’ll have you know my boyfriend was in the Army and is an MMA fighter, so—”

    Customer: “That don’t mean s***! Give me your number and I’ll show you what a real man can do for you.”

    (I realize I’m not going to get through to this customer, so I sigh and look over to my boyfriend.)

    Me: “Babe, will you please explain to him that I know what a real man is, and what a real man can do?”

    (Hearing this, my boyfriend stands up straight, smirks, and cracks his knuckles.)

    Boyfriend: “Gladly, baby girl. I was wondering when you were going to let me step in.”

    Customer: *pales* “Oh, uh, never mind!” *runs out of the store*

    Boyfriend: *laughs* “Good thing he didn’t know I need a knee replacement, huh?”

    A Double Bandaged Lust Story

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I am looking for a book from the ‘holds’ section of my local library. An old woman, about 75 years old, approaches me.)

    Old Woman: “Excuse me, but can you see if there is a book under [name]? I left my glasses in the car, and I can’t read the print.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, there is one.” *I hand her the book*

    Old Woman: “What is the title?”

    Me:A Double Barrelled Detective Story, by Mark Twain.”

    Old Woman: “Thank you, that’s exactly what I’m looking for.”

    (Later on, I go to check out a couple books. I see the old woman in line in front of me.)

    Old Woman: *to employee* “This young man helped me find my book. I would like to thank him.”

    Me: “No problem, ma’am.”

    Employee: “He volunteers here sometimes. He’s quite helpful.”

    Old Woman: “Oh! Then maybe he could help me find another book I’m looking for. All of my friends have it, and I want to know what all the fuss is about!”

    Employee: “What book would that be?”

    Old Woman: “It’s called 50 Shades of Grey.”

    When Tank Top Complaints Tank

    | MA, USA | Bigotry, Health & Body, Religion, Rude & Risque

    (I’m working third shift at a hotel and it’s my job to get most of the cleaning done. It gets rather hot so I often take off my thick work shirt and clean in just a tank top. Unbeknownst to me, our hotel is filled with a very conservative religious group of people. Two boys come to the desk while I’m wiping some things down. I’m very chesty and the tank top is slightly low cut showing off some cleavage.)

    Boy: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hey there. What can I do for you?”

    (As I turn around, I notice two boys staring at me wide eyed and slack-jawed. They are probably no older than 13 and are dressed in very traditional garb. I quickly realize my faux pas and toss on my jacket. I get everything set and they go on their way. About half an hour later, I’m back in my tank top cleaning when an irate woman storms down and starts yelling.)

    Woman: “Listen here, you little hussy! My boys are pure and sinless unlike you, you heathenish w****! How dare you dress like that and expose yourself to my boys like that! Have you no decency! Who let you out of the house like that?! I bet your husband doesn’t even know where you are! Did he let you get this job or did you sneak behind his back like the harlot you are?!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m a lesbian and don’t ever intend to let anyone tell me how to dress or what I can and can’t do. You have no right to be here yelling at me. You came to this society; I didn’t go to yours. Therefore, you can’t expect me to bend my way of living just because you are around. I realized I was over exposed and put on a jacket but it is hot in here and I’ve got a lot of work to do and would sweat to death if I kept it on. Now, if you would please be as so kind as to let me finish working.”

    Woman: “You’re the devil’s spawn!” *storms away*

    (In the morning, a man creeps up to the desk looking rather embarrassed. I put on my jacket again, fully expecting him to lay into me as well.)

    Man: “I want to apologize for my wife last night. We understand that you aren’t a member of our religion and that you don’t have to conform to our rules. Thank you for covering up after realizing we are modest people. I am truly sorry for the way she spoke to you, and although it doesn’t excuse her insolence, I hope this helps.”

    (He hands me a fifty dollar bill, and begins to walk away.)

    Me: “Sir, you really don’t have to give me this. She was just trying to protect her children and although it was a personal attack, she was just doing what she felt necessary.”

    (He waved a hand dismissing me, and left. When they checked out, he gave me nothing but good reviews and left me another fifty to make up for his wife’s behavior. The boys left me thank you cards that I got my next shift, and a few weeks later I got a letter from the wife apologizing for the way she acted and what she said to me!)

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