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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Sure Thing, Sweet Cheeks

    | Ontario, Canada | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (We have international newspapers that we keep behind us at the till. Also, I’m female. I’ve just finished ringing up some British newspapers for a customer.)

    Me: “Have a brilliant day.”

    Customer: “Can I take a look at your rack?”

    (This not only catches me off guard, but all the staff and customers within earshot, who turn and look at us.)

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “I just want to see what else you’ve got to offer.”

    (Everybody is still staring.)

    Customer: *realizing what he’s said* “Oh! Your newspaper rack.”

    Please Put Your Brain Back In The Driver’s Seat

    | Michigan, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I’m a receptionist in the service area of a car dealership. I am calling a customer to let him know his vehicle is ready for pickup.)

    Me: “Hello, sir! Just calling to let you know that your vehicle is all set.”

    Customer: “And do you come with the car? You sound like a pretty little thing.”

    Me: “Um, well, we’re open until 6 tonight, so if you want to come in and get your truck before then, that would be great.”

    Customer: “I’m a dirty old man.”

    Me: “Okay, then. Have a good day.” *hangs up*

    Shh, The Neighbors Will Hear

    | Michigan, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (At our movie theater, “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” is playing. A 70- or 80-year-old woman approaches.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a ticket to that new movie.”

    Me: “No problem. What movie are you looking for, ma’am?”

    Customer: “That new one. You know, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Nasty.”

    Subjective Job Satisfaction

    | Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I’m a cashier ringing up a customer.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay today?”

    Customer: “Yep, it was fine.”

    Me: *smiling* “That’s good.”

    Customer: “You have a nice smile.”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Customer: “You must be very happy.”

    Me: “Usually.”

    Customer: “I have a friend who is a stripper. You’re much happier than her.”

    Me: *speechless* “Uh, thanks? You’re total is [total]. Have a nice day.”

    The Shape Of Things To ‘C’

    | California, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (My manager & I are working one night. A very well dressed woman in her 50s walks in.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing tonight?”

    Customer: “I’m doing fine.”

    Me: “What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for something for my husband. He needs something for…”

    (She motions her right hand to make it into the shape of a ‘C’.)

    Me: “He needs vitamin C?”

    Customer: “No…something for…”

    (She emphasizes the ‘C’ shape of her right hand.)

    Me: “He needs some calcium??”

    Customer: “No…you know what I mean?”

    (She’s still making the ‘C’ with her right hand, but is now widening the shape.)

    Me: “I don’t think I know what it is.”

    (I ask for my manager who has been watching us. He immediately gets what she’s asking for.)

    Manager: *points towards the male enhancements* “Ma’am, we have a wide variety of libido enhancers, but there isn’t anything to make him ‘wider’ or ‘girthier’.”

    Customer: “Aww. Well, his libido’s fine. He just needs a little more to work with. Thank you for the help anyway!” *leaves*


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