Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Hopefully Customers Like This Aren’t A Dime A Dozen

| Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(I work at the customer service desk, where we also sell helium-filled party balloons. A customer approaches my desk.)

Customer: “Can I get a balloon with no air in it?”

Coworker: “Okay, that’s 10 cents.”

(He gives me a dime and takes the balloon and leaves. He comes back shortly.)

Customer: “Do you have any bigger ones?”

(I think this is weird, but I decides to help out instead of question.)

Coworker: “Okay, I think this one looks bigger.”

(He gives me another dime and leaves. Sometime later, he returns.)

Customer: “Are you sure this is the biggest you have?”

Coworker: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m going to say it. Do you sell condoms without any of that goo on it?”

Needs To Wipe That From Her Own Memory

| Absecon, NJ, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(We have a cell phone section of our store, which I know nothing about, and is the only department I don’t work in. An older man comes up to me holding out his phone, across the store from where phones are located. I’m a 20-year-old female.)

Customer: “Excuse me? Do you know anything about cell phones?”

Me: “Sorry, no, but I can take you over to [Coworker], who does.”

(I start to walk over to phones, but he stops me first and takes out his phone.)

Customer: “Do you think I need more memory on my phone? You see, I have to hide this from my wife.”

(He opens his pictures and videos. All there is is porn.)

Me: “Uhm… I don’t know… Let me take you to [Coworker.]”

(I start to walk again, and again he stops me.)

Customer: “Look how clear the videos are!”

(He starts playing a video, of hardcore porn.)

Me: “Uh… yeah, it’s very clear. But I really don’t know anything about phones so…”

(He keeps playing video after video, and finally a male coworker walks by.)

Me: “Hey! [Coworker], can you help this ‘gentleman’ with his phone and memory cards?”

(I practically ran away.)

Requires Protection From Customers

| Watseka, IL, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(The store has just opened, and the first customer in the store is a very elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair. He approaches me in the hardware department.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: *after long pause* “… I need screws.”

Me: “Okay, the screws are right here behind me. What size do you need?”

Customer: *points* “Hand me that box.”

(I hand him the box, and he opens it and removes one screw.)

Customer: “Now… I need protection for my screw. Where would I get that?”

Me: “Well, the nuts and washers are all right here.”

Customer: “No…” *doing air quotes with his fingers* “‘PROTECTION,’ for my ‘SCREWS.'”

Me: “I don’t follow you, sir…”

Customer: *talking under his breath* “… rubbers.”

Me: “Rubbers?”

Customer: *yelling* “CONDOMS, OK?! I NEED CONDOMS!”

Me: “Sir, this is a farm supply store… We don’t sell those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *hands me back the screws* “Put these back, I don’t need them.”

It’s Not Cute

| Aurora, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(At my store we sell a brand of clementines known as ‘Cuties.’. Sadly, this is kind of a common occurrence.)

Me: “Sir, would you like your cuties in the box or in a bag?”

Customer: *takes them out of the box and hands it to me* “This is for you, because you’re such a cutie.” *winks*

Me: “Um… thanks…” *smiles awkwardly and finishes the transaction* “All right, sir, your total is [amount]. Would you like any help out to your car tonight?”

Customer: “Will you be the one helping me out?”

Me: “No, that would be him.” *points to the male courtesy clerk*

Customer: *face falls* “Then, no.”

Always Been A Leg Man

| Singapore | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

Customer: “So this table leg, can it fit onto this table?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “And is it easy to fix it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “We just have to screw it ourselves yeah?”

Me: “Yes, just screw yourselves.” *suppressed laughter*

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