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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    He Is Out-Dated

    | Scotland, UK | Love/Romance, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a call centre for a bank, and one of the security questions we use to verify cardholder identity is a memorable date. Some people try to get clever with you. I generally give them no reaction at all and just ask a different security question.)

    Me: “Can I ask you to confirm your memorable date there for me sir?”

    Customer: “Ah yes, June 9th, 1979. I met this lovely blonde woman in a bar in Soho, absolutely beautiful. She drank cocktails and we went back to mine and the things she could do kiddo, you could only imag—oh wait memorable date? Oh s***, I thought you meant…”

    Me: “Ha, that’s alright, sir; do you have it there?”

    Customer: “What’s your memorable date? You sound nice; you must have one.”

    Me: “My boyfriend surprised me with a trip to Paris for my birthday last year. That was pretty memorable I guess.”

    Customer: “Jeez, your generation sucks. Paris!? You can’t beat a roll in the hay in the back of a third hand car in Charing Cross. I’d show you that!”

    Me: “Okaaaaaaay anyway, moving on.”

    Turning Down Is A Turn Off

    | CA, USA | Rude & Risque

    Coworker: “Okay, sir… your order is—”

    (I can hear a pornographic film being played in the background.)

    Coworker: “Okay, I’m going say this and kindly, but bluntly: sir, I can’t hear you over your pornographic film. Can you turn it down a bit?”

    Customer: “Wait, you can hear that?”

    Coworker: “Yes, sir, it is quite loud. I’m attempting to give you your order number, but—”

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Coworker: “Yeah.”

    Customer: “You like it?”

    Coworker: “Uh… no, actually. If you can turn it down a little I’d be—”

    Customer: “What?! Are you telling me to turn off my porn?!”

    Coworker: “No, sir, I’m not. However, I’m having a hard time talking over the delivery guy with a medium sausage pizza. If you can turn it down a bit, I can give you your—”

    Customer: *click*

    Using Her Outside Voice

    , | USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (It is very early in the morning, and most of our customers are elderly folks coming in to drink coffee and socialize. A very sweet older customer comes to my register.)

    Me: “Good morning, ma’am! How are you today?”

    Customer: “My aren’t you chipper in the morning! I’m doing pretty good this morning dear; how are you today?”

    Me: “I’m just great; thank you for asking. How can I help you this morning, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well I’m not too hungry just yet, so I think I will just have one small coffee for now.”

    (I ring her in, and tell her the total. She begins slowly taking coins out of her purse, so I turn to make her coffee. I can hear her mumbling to herself. I assume she is counting, until I return with her coffee only to catch the tail end of a string of obscenities.)

    Customer: “D*** f****** dime! Where the f****** h*** is a penny! Stupid little b******!”

    (I am dumbstruck as the sweet little lady continues to mumble to herself while counting out her change. Finally, she finishes counting and she notices the look on my face.)

    Customer: “Oh my, I wasn’t speaking out loud again, was I?”

    (I nod slowly.)

    Customer: “Oh, goodness! I’m sorry you had to hear that! I wasn’t saying anything bad about you; you’re such a sweet girl. It’s just I’m so d*** old and I can’t f****** see. It’s just so frustrating! Well, have a great morning dear!”

    Digging A Conversational Hole A Rabbit Could Fit Into

    | Germany | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am checking out a young couple’s weekly groceries. I overhear their exchange.)

    Girl #1: *puts massive pack of batteries onto the conveyor belt*

    Girl #2: “Wait, that’s really expensive! What do we even need batteries for?”

    Girl #1: *glances nervously at me* “They’re for the TV remote.”

    Girl #2: “Oh, I didn’t realise the batteries in the remote had run out. Do we need that many though? I mean what else do we have that even uses batter— Oh…”

    The Female Of The Species Is More Playful Than The Male

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Rude & Risque

    (Our store has a name that could easily be that of an adult establishment. I happened to be in the back room when a customer calls.)

    Me: “[Store Name], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you have any male toys?”

    Me: “‘Mail’ as in toys that go in the mail, or toys for boys?”

    Caller: “Toys that go in the mail.”

    Me: “Well, we have a toy that can be sent like a postcard, otherwise—”

    Caller: “No, not toys that go in the M-A-I-L, toys that go in the M-A-L-E!”

    Me: “Uh… we sell children’s toys.”

    Caller: “Oh, oh darn! We’re looking for adult toys!”

    (The customer yells to someone not on the line.)

    Caller: “Hey Billy, they don’t have ‘em!”

    Me: “Good luck in your search!”

    (I am very glad it was me who answered, and not my younger, more innocent coworker!)

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