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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Underwear For The Over-Aged

    | Houston, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (A very old man is wandering around the section of the store where we display the ‘sexy’ lingerie pieces.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find something?”

    Old Man: “Yes. I’m looking for something that will lift her up and push her together up there. And I don’t want her to be covered up either. I want to be able to see everything. Do you have anything like that?”

    (I try to block out the image he’s creating for me.)

    Me: “Sure… let’s see what we can find.”

    (I show him a few different bras, and we finally find one that he seems satisfied with, and a matching panty. His lady-friend—who is nearly as old as he is—joins us. The old man hands her the bra he picked out.)

    Old Man: “Here, go try this on. I want to see if I like it or not.”

    (I walk them back to the fitting room, and go to help a few other customers. The man comes back toward me.)

    Me: “So, how did you like it?”

    Customer: “It was great. You did a lovely job, you sweet little thing. Now I need to find her a shirt that’s nice and open so you can see everything. I’m old, you know. I just want to have fun.”

    Me: “That’s… excellent, sir. Let me show you what we have.”

    (After I show him a few shirts, his lady-friend emerges from the fitting room.)

    Lady Friend: “Are we ready to go?”

    Customer: “I think this is good. You don’t have anything like this at home.”

    Lady Friend: “But all my bras are from this store! See?”

    (She lifts up her shirt to show everyone in the store the bra she is wearing. I am smiling to hold back the tears.)

    Me: “Ah yes, that is one of our bras. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Do you give a discount for perverts?”

    Me: “No, sir, sorry about that. Have a great day though!”

    How To Devalue Your Crown Jewels

    | UK | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Are you looking for something in particular, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you sell those Chlamydia beads?”

    Me: “Uh… do you mean the Chamillia beads?”

    Customer: “Yes, why, what did I call them?”

    Me: “You don’t want to know what you called them.”

    His Size Is XX-Creepy

    | Papillion, NE, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (A male customer approaches me, holding a package of men’s underwear.)

    Customer: “Ma’am, can I ask you to do something that is probably outside your job description?”

    Me: “What is it?”

    (He puts the package down and sticks his hands in the back of his pants.)

    Customer: “Okay, I need a new pair of underwear. I don’t know what size I wear, and I can’t read the tag.”

    Me: “You can go in one of the men’s fitting rooms and check.”

    Customer: “D*** it!”

    Customer Service Stripped Bare

    | Clifton, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I have a line of three customers on my register. Customer #1 is a good looking man in his early twenties. Customers #2 and #3 are elderly women.)

    Me: “Your total is $15.87.”

    Customer #1: “Do you take credit card?”

    Me: “Yes, just push the top button and slide your card through.”

    (Customer #1 pushes the button and slides his card, but does it the wrong way. I am bagging his items, so I don’t see this until he has tried three times.)

    Me: “Strip down, facing me.”

    (Customer #1 blushes, and I immediately realize what I’ve just said. I’m about to apologize to the elderly ladies for being risqué when…)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, honey, show us what you’ve got!”

    Purple People Displeaser

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (I work in the customer service department for an adult goods store. I receive a phone call.)

    Me: “Hello, you’re speaking to [name] at [adult store]; how can I help?”

    Customer: “I’m not happy with my order; it’s the wrong colour! I want an apology!”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, sir; if you give me the order number I’ll investigate.”

    (The customer gives me his order number, and we verify the security details.)

    Me: “Okay, so which item was incorrect, please?”

    Customer: “It was the Purple [Name]!”

    Me: “I see, I’m very sorry to hear that. What colour did you receive?”

    Customer: “Purple! I don’t like purple!”

    Me: “So, you ordered an item called the Purple [Name], but you didn’t want it in purple? I’m afraid it only comes in purple, but we’d be happy to refund you.”

    Customer: “That’s not good enough! How was I supposed to know it was purple?! I don’t like purple things!”

    Me: “Okay, did you purchase this through our website?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was looking at the pictures and this one looked good, so I added it to my basket!”

    Me: “So, you saw that the item was purple in the picture. You saw it had purple in the name, and then you added it to your basket, and confirmed this when you selected your payment method; is that correct?”

    Customer: “Yes! But it didn’t send me a message to say it was purple! Your company is terrible!”


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