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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Contextual Innuendos

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I’m at work on a Saturday with a clerk and a pharmacist. I notice the clerk speaking with an elderly woman out front but don’t think much of it. A few minutes later, the clerk comes back with a strange expression on her face and tells me I have to go help the woman.)

    Me: “What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for a vibrator.”

    Me: “A…vibrator?”

    Customer: “Yes. I had one, but I used it too much and it wore out.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have anything like that. Where did you buy the first one?”

    Customer: “At another pharmacy, but I want one with a long handle so it can reach better.”

    (At this point I’m biting the inside of my cheek in an effort not to laugh.)

    Me: “What kind of vibrator are you looking for, exactly?”

    Customer: “You know! One of those that rub your feet!”

    Me: “OH! Sorry, we don’t have anything like that.”

    Two Oblongs Don’t Make A Right

    , | Minnesota, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque

    (Note: I’m working the drive-thru.)

    Coworker: “Hey, ask this next guy how his mom’s doing.”

    Me: “Uh, okay…” *to customer* “Hey, how’s your mom doing?”

    Customer: “She’s in f***ing jail! Thanks for asking!”

    (The customer drives from the intercom to my window, pulls down his pants, shakes his butt at us, and then drives away. The next customer in line pulls up.)

    Next Customer: “What the H*** was that?!”

    Also seen on Not Always Working.

    Accusations Wood Require Hard Proof

    | Calgary, Canada | Rude & Risque, Time

    (My landscaping company gets an early job at 7:45 AM at a residence. While starting on the lawn, the customer suddenly comes barging out of his house. It’s obvious that he’s just woken up.)

    Customer: “DO YOU BASTARDS KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! It’s 7:45! I said show up at 8:45!”

    (Note: the customer is wearing sweat pants and has some REALLY bad morning wood going on.)

    Boss: “Sir, you said 7:45. We talked about this two days ago.”

    (As my boss says this, all of the workers are trying not to laugh at the customer’s morning wood.)

    Customer: “Screw you! I knew what I asked for! I will show you I wrote it down!”

    (A couple of moments later, he comes back out wearing an embarrassed face.)

    Customer: “I got the time wrong. Sorry…” *goes back inside, still with morning wood*

    Too Hot To Give A Hoot

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Rude & Risque

    (I work at an amusement park where one of my jobs is to hand out 3D glasses and entertain guests before the show. A guest and his wife come up the queue on a particularly hot day.)

    Me: *handing them glasses* “Here you are! Enjoy the show.”

    Guest: “This is a 3D movie?”

    Me: “Yep.”

    Guest: “And it’s inside?’

    Me: “Yeah, and it’s air conditioned, so it’s definitely worth it.”

    Guest: “What’s it about?”

    Me: “It’s a ten minute movie about dinosaurs.”

    Guest Wife: “I don’t care if y’all got a hooters show in there. If it’s air conditioned, we’re going!”

    Not The Best Way To Spread Your Art

    | Washington, D.C., USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (It’s my second day as an intern at an art gallery. We have guidelines for artists who wish to submit artwork. I’m by myself in the gallery when an artist wearing cut-offs and flip-flops walks in. She’s carrying a huge canvas that is as big as she is, but I can’t see what’s painted on it as the front is facing away from me.)

    Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

    Artist: “Yeah, I was wondering if you could hang this up?”

    Me: “Well, we don’t accept walk-in submissions like this, and even if we did, the gallery owner isn’t in right now. If you go to our website, you can follow the submission guidelines.”

    Artist: “But I have the art right here! Can’t you hang it up?”

    (At this point she finally turns the canvas around: it’s a life-size, poorly-painted, VERY nude self-portrait of the artist sitting down with her hands on her knees and her hair sticking up in all directions. Worst of all, she has painted herself with her knees splayed and her lady parts in high definition.)

    Me: “Oh…”

    Artist: “I’ll just leave this here, then!”

    Me: *panicking* “No, wait! You really have to fill out an artist’s submission and we’ll get back to you. I can’t just hang up art without the owner present. Also, we specialize in abstract expressionist art, not…erm…figurative art.”

    Artist: *looking at her painting* “But this is pretty funky!”

    Me: “Yes it is, but I’m sorry, I really can’t accept it. Thank you for coming in.”

    (The artist eventually left. Unfortunately, that meant she was carrying her enormous nude self-portrait in full display down the busiest street in town. I have to admire her pluck!)


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