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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Time For Cup-ple’s Counseling

    | Melbourne, Australia | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a store that sells kitchen appliances. I have been helping a young couple with a blender set that they are interested in buying. Note: I am female.)

    Female Customer: “Would you mind if we open the box just to have a look at the parts?”

    Me: “Of course. That’s no problem!”

    Male Customer: “Yeah, we’re just wondering what kind of cup size you’ve got.”

    (There’s an awkward pause as the male customer realises what he’s just said.)

    Male Customer: “Oh! On the blender! I meant on the blender!” *quietly, to his wife* “That sounded bad, didn’t it?”

    Female Customer: *sighs* “Yes dear, it did…”

    Just Tell Him The Title, Pure And Simplex

    | WA, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (A customer approaches the counter with his girlfriend/partner. He wants to make sure that he has returned all of his items. The only book left on his account is one on a sensitive topic.)

    Me: “Well, it looks like there is just one… uh… health book on here.”

    Customer: “What? What ‘health book?’ I don’t have no ‘health’ books out.”

    Me: “Uh… it is a book about a… specific illness. If you like, I can show you how to look up your account information in private at our website.”

    Customer: “No, no, no! I don’t have time for all that. Just tell me what the dang book is!”

    Me: “It’s called Managing Herpes.”

    (The girlfriend’s eyes go wide and she turns to the customer.)

    Customer’s Girlfriend: “You… what… but you said… WHAT?!”

    (Both of them left quickly after that!)

    Bigotry Loves Company

    | Sandusky, OH, USA | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (Note: I am gay, but I seem to be an ‘under the radar’ one; no one ever guesses it, but I don’t hide it, either. I also have a boyfriend, and we plan on getting engaged soon. I’m working as a lifeguard on the lazy river late in the evening. I lean in and do a corner check to scan for small children. I see a mother and her daughter in very revealing clothing pass by on a two-person tube.)

    Mother: *to me* “Don’t be looking at my daughter’s boobs! She’s a Christian girl!”

    Daughter: *blushes, embarrassed*

    Me: “Ma’am, I can promise I do not care about her boobs and was merely doing my job.”

    Mother: “Yeah, right! You mean staring at all the young girls like a perv! Only reason young men work here!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m here working to save for me and my soon to be fiancé.”

    Daughter: “Mom, just let—”

    Mother: “Yeah, a fiancée! Too bad you’re cheating on her by staring at ALL this!” *gestures to herself*

    (I point to my necklace with a promise ring I got from my boyfriend on Valentine’s day.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I have a betrothed, and both Jay and I would be very surprised if I cheated or stared at a woman.”

    Mother and Daughter: *jaws drop* “You’re a f**!”

    Me: “I prefer homosexual, but yes, if you prefer.”

    (At this point they are reaching a turn in the river. The mother creates a cross with her fingers, and kicks her feet to get away. This river section horseshoes back, so I see them 10 seconds later.)

    Mother: “YOU’RE GOING TO H***, YOU F**!”

    Me: “Only if I’m working to guard your lava pit, my dear!”

    Thank God His Name Isn’t Johnson

    | Ann Arbor, MI, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

    (I’m ringing up a middle-aged lady.)

    Me: “Do you have a rewards card?”

    Customer: “Yes… last name is ‘Jones.’”

    Me: “Under ‘Jonathan?’”

    Customer: “Yes, as much as possible!”

    Me: *stunned silence*

    Freed Vibrations

    | Victoria, BC, Canada | Rude & Risque

    (I am standing in line at a book store. The customer in front of me is getting rung through. She’s about 45, and the cashier is maybe 19.)

    Customer: “Have you read these?” *holds up 50 Shades Darker*

    Cashier: “Oh… no.”

    Customer: “Oh, you MUST! They’re amazing!”

    Cashier: “So I hear.”

    Customer: *puts the book to her chest* “Oh, they’re just amazing!”

    Cashier: “Uh huh.”

    (The customer proceeds to go on and on about how sexy and scandalous the books are. The cashier is doing her very best to ignore her and just ring her through.)

    Customer: *after paying* “Oh, thank you very much! One more thing: do you know where I can buy some batteries?”


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