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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    What She Said Makes You Stop Dead

    | UK | Holidays, Rude & Risque

    (I am helping pack an old lady customer’s gift-wrapping paper into the long bags designed for them.)

    Me: “So, that’s six rolls of wrapping paper for £2. The plastic bags are a bit thin, so I may have to put it in two bags of three.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, that won’t do. Just squeeze it into one; it will be fine.”

    (The wrapping paper rolls are small, so four or five will just fit in one plastic bag. The handles, however, fit so tightly over the paper they cannot be held properly.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ve got five in there but they are rather tight; another one in there may tear it.”

    Customer: *creepy voice* “That’s what she said…”

    (The whole shop is overcome by a stunned silence. My two colleagues next to me have stopped working, now with their jaws on the floor.)

    Customer: “Speaking of which; shove it in there!”

    (I managed to get the last roll in there, with it bent out of shape. She leaves with a laugh almost like a witch’s cackle, with the whole shop in silence.)

    Me: *sigh* “Next customer, please…”

    That Would Not Be A Happy Meal

    , | San Diego, CA, USA | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Top

    (Everyone in the kitchen wears headsets to hear the drive-thru. This is so we can make the order while the customer is ordering.)

    Me: “Hey, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Just a sec… s***!”

    Me: *deadpan* “I’m sorry, sir; we don’t serve that here.”

    (The entire kitchen erupts in laughter.)

    Customer: *also laughing* “If I wanted that, I’d go to [competitor]!”

    The Homo Critical Are Hypocritical

    | Quakertown, PA, USA | Bigotry, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (Three men walk in at the same time to the adult bookstore where I work. Customer #1 heads straight for the lesbian porn. Customers #2 and #3 are regulars, and they are a couple. They have specially ordered certain items, and are there to pick them up.)

    Me: “Hey, guys! I have your order in the back. Let me go get it!”

    (I disappear, but as I’m picking up their box of items, I hear shouting. I rush out front.)

    Customer #1: “Homosexuality is a sin! Read the f****** Bible!”

    Customer #2: “Sir, you’re yelling at us in a porn store, while holding a DVD of lesbian porn. You are just a hypocrite, and I don’t need to listen to you.”

    (Customer #2 grabs Customer #3′s hand, and they continue to walk around the store. Customer #1 turns red, but comes to me to check out.)

    Customer #1: “Can you f******* believe those f***?”

    Me: “I can, and you know what? I love them, and accept them for who they are. As for you, I don’t accept your hatred. Get the h*** out of my store.”

    (I take the DVD, put it into the return to shelf bin, and wait for him to leave. He starts screaming.)

    Customer #1: “I’m going to put you in your proper place as a woman!”

    (Customer #2 and #3 come over.)

    Customer #3: “She told you to leave. Either you leave on your own, or we’ll help you.”

    (Customer #1 turns pale, and runs out of the store.)

    Customer #1: “The f*** are gonna get me!”

    (I turn to the two regulars.)

    Me: “Would you like a free DVD?”

    Underwear For The Over-Aged

    | Houston, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Rude & Risque

    (A very old man is wandering around the section of the store where we display the ‘sexy’ lingerie pieces.)

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find something?”

    Old Man: “Yes. I’m looking for something that will lift her up and push her together up there. And I don’t want her to be covered up either. I want to be able to see everything. Do you have anything like that?”

    (I try to block out the image he’s creating for me.)

    Me: “Sure… let’s see what we can find.”

    (I show him a few different bras, and we finally find one that he seems satisfied with, and a matching panty. His lady-friend—who is nearly as old as he is—joins us. The old man hands her the bra he picked out.)

    Old Man: “Here, go try this on. I want to see if I like it or not.”

    (I walk them back to the fitting room, and go to help a few other customers. The man comes back toward me.)

    Me: “So, how did you like it?”

    Customer: “It was great. You did a lovely job, you sweet little thing. Now I need to find her a shirt that’s nice and open so you can see everything. I’m old, you know. I just want to have fun.”

    Me: “That’s… excellent, sir. Let me show you what we have.”

    (After I show him a few shirts, his lady-friend emerges from the fitting room.)

    Lady Friend: “Are we ready to go?”

    Customer: “I think this is good. You don’t have anything like this at home.”

    Lady Friend: “But all my bras are from this store! See?”

    (She lifts up her shirt to show everyone in the store the bra she is wearing. I am smiling to hold back the tears.)

    Me: “Ah yes, that is one of our bras. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “Do you give a discount for perverts?”

    Me: “No, sir, sorry about that. Have a great day though!”

    How To Devalue Your Crown Jewels

    | UK | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    Me: “Are you looking for something in particular, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes, do you sell those Chlamydia beads?”

    Me: “Uh… do you mean the Chamillia beads?”

    Customer: “Yes, why, what did I call them?”

    Me: “You don’t want to know what you called them.”


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