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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Digging A Conversational Hole A Rabbit Could Fit Into

    | Germany | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am checking out a young couple’s weekly groceries. I overhear their exchange.)

    Girl #1: *puts massive pack of batteries onto the conveyor belt*

    Girl #2: “Wait, that’s really expensive! What do we even need batteries for?”

    Girl #1: *glances nervously at me* “They’re for the TV remote.”

    Girl #2: “Oh, I didn’t realise the batteries in the remote had run out. Do we need that many though? I mean what else do we have that even uses batter— Oh…”

    The Female Of The Species Is More Playful Than The Male

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Rude & Risque

    (Our store has a name that could easily be that of an adult establishment. I happened to be in the back room when a customer calls.)

    Me: “[Store Name], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you have any male toys?”

    Me: “‘Mail’ as in toys that go in the mail, or toys for boys?”

    Caller: “Toys that go in the mail.”

    Me: “Well, we have a toy that can be sent like a postcard, otherwise—”

    Caller: “No, not toys that go in the M-A-I-L, toys that go in the M-A-L-E!”

    Me: “Uh… we sell children’s toys.”

    Caller: “Oh, oh darn! We’re looking for adult toys!”

    (The customer yells to someone not on the line.)

    Caller: “Hey Billy, they don’t have ‘em!”

    Me: “Good luck in your search!”

    (I am very glad it was me who answered, and not my younger, more innocent coworker!)

    Playstation Meets Playboy

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Technology, Underaged

    (It is just after the release of the video game ‘Playboy Mansion’. In Australia, there is surprisingly no required age limit for the game; it comes with a recommendation only for 18+. A customer approaches the counter with a small boy beside her. She is carrying a copy of the game.)

    Me: “Good morning, just that today is it?”

    (I indicate the game, and the customer nods.)

    Customer: “Yup!”

    Me: “I just have to check that you are purchasing this either for yourself, or someone who is over 18. Though there is no legal requirement to be over 18, I must warn it has graphic content and adult themes.”

    Customer: “No, it’s for him, but it’ll be alright. He’s eight, but I’ve said it’s okay.”

    Me: “I must warn you this game is entirely inappropriate for someone so young.”

    (I detail the contents of the game. However, the customer doesn’t bat an eyelid.)

    Customer: “It’s still okay. I’d like to buy it for him.”

    (I cannot bring myself to cater to this customer, so the manager sells the game to her instead. The customer is about to leave, and I approach her.)

    Me: “If you view the game and you’re unhappy, you can return it to us within 30 days for an exchange.”

    (The customer is reasonably pleasant about this but keeps dismissing my concerns. The boy skips off happily with her. Two days later, she returns with the boy in tow again.)

    Customer: “I’ve come to return this game; I need to get something better for him. It’s not right for him at all.”

    Me: “Sure thing. I had a feeling you wouldn’t be happy with it once you saw the content of the game. Sometimes it’s hard to explain just how graphic some of these games can be.”

    Customer: “Nah, the game was fine, but you should have warned us about how much reading he’d have to do. There’s far too much to read, and he’s only eight. His reading’s not that good yet. There really ought to be warning stickers for this sort of thing. Have you got anything easier?”

    Teeny Tiny Meets Teenage Whiney

    | USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Love/Romance, Rude & Risque, Top

    (There is a young couple in my check-out line, followed by a handful of teenagers. The man is quite a bit taller than the woman, and he’s fairly muscular and intimidating. She’s very small, and unassuming. The teenagers are making a number of snide, extremely explicit comments to her.)

    Teen #1: “D***, baby! You ought to learn how to service more than one man! A pretty little thing like you needs to be trained!”

    (The other two teens high-five each other and laugh.)

    Teen #2: “Yeah, man! With a fine b**** like you, a real man could find some use for that mouth!”

    (She grabs her companion’s arm, and mutters something quiet to him. She then smiles at me as it’s their turn. They put their things on the counter.)

    Me: “Hi there. Did you find everything you needed today?”

    Teen #3: “Hey! B****! Don’t ignore us! Men are talking; you gotta learn some respect!”

    (She smiles at me, but looks slightly annoyed.)

    Woman: “Won’t you excuse me?”

    (She turns around.)

    Man: “Oh, boy.”

    Woman: “If you EVER speak to me like that again, you never WILL become the men you’re arrogant enough to think you’ve already become. If you want to be treated like adults, and respected like adults, you act like adults and show other people respect. I feel sorry for your poor mothers. You are pathetic excuses for human beings. Go bother somebody else; come back when you’re ready to behave yourselves!”

    (The man starts talking to me.)

    Man: “The funny thing is, people think that because I’m physically bigger than she is, they should be afraid of me. Then they see her mad. She’s tiny, but she’s the scary one.”

    What She Said Makes You Stop Dead

    | UK | Holidays, Rude & Risque

    (I am helping pack an old lady customer’s gift-wrapping paper into the long bags designed for them.)

    Me: “So, that’s six rolls of wrapping paper for £2. The plastic bags are a bit thin, so I may have to put it in two bags of three.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, that won’t do. Just squeeze it into one; it will be fine.”

    (The wrapping paper rolls are small, so four or five will just fit in one plastic bag. The handles, however, fit so tightly over the paper they cannot be held properly.)

    Me: “Okay, I’ve got five in there but they are rather tight; another one in there may tear it.”

    Customer: *creepy voice* “That’s what she said…”

    (The whole shop is overcome by a stunned silence. My two colleagues next to me have stopped working, now with their jaws on the floor.)

    Customer: “Speaking of which; shove it in there!”

    (I managed to get the last roll in there, with it bent out of shape. She leaves with a laugh almost like a witch’s cackle, with the whole shop in silence.)

    Me: *sigh* “Next customer, please…”


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