Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Requires Protection From Customers

| Watseka, IL, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(The store has just opened, and the first customer in the store is a very elderly gentleman in an electric wheelchair. He approaches me in the hardware department.)

Me: “Good morning, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: *after long pause* “… I need screws.”

Me: “Okay, the screws are right here behind me. What size do you need?”

Customer: *points* “Hand me that box.”

(I hand him the box, and he opens it and removes one screw.)

Customer: “Now… I need protection for my screw. Where would I get that?”

Me: “Well, the nuts and washers are all right here.”

Customer: “No…” *doing air quotes with his fingers* “‘PROTECTION,’ for my ‘SCREWS.'”

Me: “I don’t follow you, sir…”

Customer: *talking under his breath* “… rubbers.”

Me: “Rubbers?”

Customer: *yelling* “CONDOMS, OK?! I NEED CONDOMS!”

Me: “Sir, this is a farm supply store… We don’t sell those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.” *hands me back the screws* “Put these back, I don’t need them.”

It’s Not Cute

| Aurora, CO, USA | At The Checkout, Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

(At my store we sell a brand of clementines known as ‘Cuties.’. Sadly, this is kind of a common occurrence.)

Me: “Sir, would you like your cuties in the box or in a bag?”

Customer: *takes them out of the box and hands it to me* “This is for you, because you’re such a cutie.” *winks*

Me: “Um… thanks…” *smiles awkwardly and finishes the transaction* “All right, sir, your total is [amount]. Would you like any help out to your car tonight?”

Customer: “Will you be the one helping me out?”

Me: “No, that would be him.” *points to the male courtesy clerk*

Customer: *face falls* “Then, no.”

Always Been A Leg Man

| Singapore | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

Customer: “So this table leg, can it fit onto this table?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “And is it easy to fix it?”

Me: “Yup.”

Customer: “We just have to screw it ourselves yeah?”

Me: “Yes, just screw yourselves.” *suppressed laughter*

Just Paper Cut Right To It

| FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Money, Rude & Risque

(I answer the phone at work.)

Customer: “Hi. My name is [Name] and I am with [Gentlemen’s Club].  I am going to need to order some change.”

Me: “Okay. What will you need?”

Customer: “I need $1,400 in old ones.”

Me: “I believe I have $1,400 in ones, but I am not sure if they are all old.”

Customer: “Oh, I have to have old ‘ones’ because the new ones give the strippers paper cuts.”

A Freudian Slip And Slide

| Rochester, MN, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

(I am helping a customer with some plumbing fittings for his old-home cast-iron pipes.)

Customer: “I don’t think this gasket is going to slide into the pipe.”

Me: “It should slide right in for you.”

Customer: “Well, if it don’t slide in, what can I use to help slide it in?”

Me: “You can use some KY jelly, and that will help.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah. We got some of that and should work just fine then.”

Me: “Yep, should work.”

(The customer’s wife comes around as we get other fittings together, and he looks at his wife.)

Customer: “Almost done here. Got all the stuff I need, and I just need to find where the KY jelly is.”

(The wife’s eyes gets big in disbelief. I initially think ‘what’s wrong with her?’)

Wife: “Umm. What?”

Customer: “The KY jelly to help slide the fittings into… oh… c**p.”

(The customer looks at me, and just as he does so, it dawns on me what we have both just said!)

Me: “Oh… We need to find the silicone jelly! Sorry! I have no ideal how I came up with KY jelly!”

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