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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Height Trumps Hate

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

    (My younger brother has come to town to visit me. I take him to the bar I work at for a few drinks and to meet my friends there. A regular customer who has been hitting on me for months comes in and sees us sitting together in one of the booths.)

    Customer: *tries to look down my shirt* “Huh, and I thought after all this time you were a f***ing lesbian. Or is this f** your beard?”

    Me: “I’m not working tonight. Go bother someone else.”

    (The customer slides into the booth next to me, and tries to put his arm around my shoulders.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you send your f** boyfriend off to get some beer and we can have a nice talk?”

    (Note that my brother has been sitting slouched in the booth, concealing his size.)

    Brother: “Why don’t you take your hands off of her and f*** off?”

    (The customer springs out of the booth and stands near my brother in a really stupid looking ‘karate’ pose.)

    Customer: “Why don’t you make me, you f***ing f**?! Huh?! Why don’t you make me?”

    Brother: “Okay…”

    (As he starts to slowly get out of the booth, the customer realizes his mistake. The customer is maybe 5’8″, while my brother looms over a foot taller than him at 6’9″. My brother grabs him by collar and belt and throws him out.)

    Brother: “And it’s Sergeant, not f**, if you don’t mind!”

    (I love my little brother.)

    Great Service, With Ifs And Butts

    | Tampa Bay, FL, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I am a concierge at an historic hotel in the downtown area, and a common call that I receive is to deal with is customers losing items in the rooms.)

    Me: “Hello, and thank you for calling [hotel]. This is [my name]. How can I be of service?”

    Caller: “Hello, my name is [name] and I stayed a few nights there last weekend, from Friday to Sunday. I believe I may have, um, left some… jewellery in the room.”

    Me: “Ah, well, I would be glad to ring the maid service and have them check their lost and found. Could you describe the item that you’re looking for?”

    Caller: “Well, that’s the thing. You see, I kind of want you to be discreet about this.”

    Me: “Of course sir; if you wish, I will check for the item myself.”

    Caller: “That would be great. Now, what I’m looking for is very expensive; it’s silver with several small diamonds in it.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, but what exactly is it?”

    Caller: *obviously flustered at this point* “Well, um, it’s a…” *in a whisper* “…butt plug.”

    Me: *I wasn’t really sure that I heard what I just heard.* “Excuse me, sir?”

    Caller: “A butt plug? You know, for…”

    Me:*interrupting* “Oh, yes, yes. I understand. Let me have your contact information and I will check the lost and found. But, to be honest, it is possible that it was thrown away, considering.”

    Caller: “Oh, I hope not, that thing was very expensive! To be honest, I really just need to be careful where I leave that thing.”

    (I almost died holding back laughter at this point.)

    Caller: “Well, if it shows up you can call me at [phone number]. Thank you, young man, you’ve been very helpful. Just let me know!”

    18 And Blunder, Part 2

    | Bangor, ME, USA | Family & Kids, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work in a store that carries all kinds of DVDs, from G-rated all the way up to X and everything in-between. A boy, no older than 12, brings a soft-core pornography DVD up to my register.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell this to you.”

    Boy: “Why not?!”

    Me: “It’s inappropriate for someone of your age.”

    Boy: “My mom said I could have it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I still can’t sell it to you.”

    (The boy storms out of the store.)

    Co-worker: “Can you believe that?  Like his mom really said he could have that!”

    Me: “I know. Either he’s lying, or his mom only said he could have it because she doesn’t know what it’s about.”

    (Shortly thereafter the boy returns to the store with his mom. His mom stomps around the store, gets the DVD, and slams it down in front of me.)

    Mom: “I can’t believe I had to get out of the car for this!  You should have just sold it to him! He told you that I said he could have it!”

    Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but I can’t sell that video to anyone under the age of 18.”

    Mom: “Why not? Discrimination?”

    Me: “Not at all. It just contains things that most people feel is inappropriate for a child to see.”

    (The mom picks up the DVD and examines it for the first time. She looks at the front and then starts reading the back. The more she reads, the wider her eyes get. All of a sudden she drops the DVD and starts spanking her son’s butt. She drags him out of the store by his arm.)

    Boy: “But mom, you said I could have it!”

    Mom: “I didn’t know what it was about! I’m so embarrassed! I can’t believe I almost bought you porn!”

    Related:
    18 And Blunder

    He Is Twice The Man

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Top

    (For the Halloween season, we’re running several horror houses, which aren’t otherwise open throughout the year. Light-up devices aren’t allowed inside any of the houses, and as a queue supervisor, I’ve been warning people of this via a cute spiel I made up.)

    Me: “There are no light-up devices allowed inside. It will make it easier to find you, and you will be eaten alive most violently!”

    (At this point, a guest, who seems to have had both legs amputated and is in a wheelchair, speaks up.)

    Guest: “But I’ve already been half-eaten!”

    Someone Freed Willy

    | College Station, TX, USA | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I am a manager at a local hotel. I’m manning the phones.) 

    Me:” Thank you for calling [hotel name], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Hello, I stayed at your hotel last weekend. I just wanted to let you know that there was a man without his pants on at the pool area.”

    Me: “I’m sorry you had to witness that, sir.”

    Caller: “Oh, it’s no problem. It was just awkward because his ‘willy’ was hanging.” 

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Well, it must have been a 10-incher because my wife is still talking about it ’til this day!”


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