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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Red Light Bulb Moment

    | Germany | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I am in a recently opened restaurant. I overhear this conversation at the table next to me. At the table is a large family.)

    Customer: “Has there ever been another restaurant in this building? The place looks so familiar.”

    Waitress: “I do not know. The building has been vacant for many years.”

    Customer: “I remember the stained glass windows and the spiral stairs. I am sure I have been here before.”

    (Just then, another waiter passes the table.)

    Waitress: “Do you know if there has ever been another restaurant in this place?”

    Waiter: “No. Until they went out of business a few years ago this place was a brothel.”

    (There is an awkward silence at the table.)

    Totally Nuts

    | USA | Bizarre, Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in the produce department of a large chain supermarket. As usual, greeting customers as they come in is a pretty common experience and the response is almost always the same. However, tonight, you could say, was a change of pace.)

    Me: “Hi, sir, how are you today?”

    Guy: “It’s cold as h*** in here! Is your nut-sack shriveled up in your belly like mine is?”

    Was Not Performed In Chest

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in the lingerie department of a large department store. A man and his wife walk in. The wife goes to look at our clearance racks, while her husband comes up to me.)

    Man: “What bra size do you think I am?”

    (The man attempts to puff out his chest, which amounts to little as he is flat-chested. I’m kind of taken aback, but I go with it.)

    Me: “I’m not sure.”

    Man: “Well, you measure people, right? Measure me!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t know if that’s—”

    Man: “Come on! Measure me!”

    (I grab my measuring tape and ask him to hold his arms up. He kind of dances around a bit, but I ignore him. I go to wrap the tape around his chest, which is a little awkward since I basically have to hug him.)

    Me: “You’re a 42 band size—”

    (Suddenly, the man leans in to kiss me. I jump way back.)

    Me: “Woah! Personal bubble!”

    (By now, his wife has returned. The man tries to explain.)

    Man: *to his wife* “It’s her fault! She’s giving me a look!”

    (The man and his wife leave soon after, but not before his wife comes and gives me a quick apology for her husband’s behavior!)

    A High Infidelity Phone

    | Absecon, NJ, USA | Rude & Risque, Technology

    (A customer of around 45 comes up to me. I am a 21-year-old girl.)

    Customer: “Excuse me. I was wondering if I had enough memory on my phone for the movies I’ve downloaded, and to download more?”

    Me: “Um, I’m not sure. Let’s go up to the mobile consultant. He should be able to answer that.”

    (I start walking to the consultant, who is on the other side of the store. The customer stops me after about a foot, and pulls out his phone.)

    Customer: “You see, I have all these movies; they’re short, but I have about 150 of them. And I have 32 GB of memory. I also don’t want my wife to see them, but I don’t want a separate memory card.”

    Me: “I mean, I don’t know much about phones, but that seems like it should be sufficient.”

    (The customer starts scrolling through his “movies,” which are clearly adult in nature.)

    Customer: “I just got a Galaxy. The movies are so clear!”

    (He starts to play several porn videos, as I stand there, shocked.)

    Customer: “I’m hiding them from my wife. So, 32 GB should be good?”

    Me: “Uh… yeah. Seems like it…”

    Condomning Consoling Behavior

    | ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

    (Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

    Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

    Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

    Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

    Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

    Caller: *click*

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