(An elderly lady approaches the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need some dish bags.”

(Unaware of what dish bags are, I assume she means dish rags.)

Me: “I’m not sure what that is and if we carry it. I would look in the cleaning section.”

Customer: “Well, my doctor said I could get it here.”

Me: “Okay, well I would check that aisle.”

(The customer leaves and returns after a couple minutes.)

Customer: “I didn’t find them!”

Me: “Can you tell me again what it is you need?”

Customer: “Dish bags.”

Me: “And you say your doctor told you to get them here?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of dish bags and I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that here.”

Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! What am I going to do?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, would you like me to ask our pharmacist about them?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I go get the pharmacist to assist me.)

Pharmacist: “So, what is a dish bag used for?”

Customer: “Jeeze! You clean your lady parts with it!”

(I’m a rather busty female and I work in a grocery store. An elderly man walks up to my register with his cart.)

Customer: “Well, I see you got new jugs!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “New jugs. I quite like ‘em. Better grip. Oh, yeah, much better grip.”

Me: *stares wide-eyed*

Customer: *places two bottles of prune juice on the counter*

Me: *relieved* “Oh, yes. They redid the bottles on those. New jugs.”

Customer: “Mmmm. Prune juice. I quite like it. Keeps me regular.”

(I work in the call center of a public library. Occasionally, we get strange callers just because it is free and we are required to talk to them.)

Caller: “You need to help me! The Mormons are giving electric shocks to my genitals through my windows!”

Me: “Um, this is a library, I’m not sure what—”

Caller: “You have to help me! I called the police but they won’t help me. They say I’m crazy. It’s the Mormons! They keep shocking my genitals!”

Me: “Well, uh, let me put you on hold for a second.”

(I put her on hold and call out the situation to the other librarians in the call center. One of them happens to be Mormon.)

Me: “I have a caller who claims Mormons are shocking her genitals through her windows.”

Mormon coworker: “We are.”

(I’m at the farmer’s market selling cucumbers when two little old ladies come up.)

Little Old Lady #1: “Those are some nice cucumbers.”

Little Old Lady #2, to #1: “I’ve got a nice bug cucumber back at home for you.”

Little Old Lady #1, to me: “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

(I am a customer at a restaurant. I’m wearing a shirt from a popular web comic. A woman, also a customer, approaches me.)

Customer: “I love your shirt!”

Me: “Aw, thanks! Are you a fan of [web comic]?”

Customer: “No, I’ve never heard of it, but your shirt is so cute. I just have to have one! Where did you get it?”

Me: “I bought it online. Do you want the name of the website?”

Customer: *suddenly huffy and angry* “Excuse me?”

Me: “Um, do you want the name of the place on the internet that I ordered the shirt from?”

Customer: “Do you think I’m stupid? Are you trying to trick me? There’s no such thing as a website with shirts on it! The only things on the internet are porn and pedophiles!”

Me: *completely speechless*

Nearby customer: “Ma’am, could you please settle down? There are children around, and I’m sure their parents don’t want them hearing about–”

Customer: “Porn and pedophiles!” *rushes out of restaurant*