Category: Rude & Risque

For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

Be-Wear Open Questions

| Memphis, TN, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I work once a week at the help desk answering calls for students, alumni and guests. This exchange happened after I helped an elderly student change his password. Since this is my first day of work, I have a team leader shadowing my calls.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Client: “Yes, ma’am… Whatcha wearing this evening?”

Team Leader: *muffled giggling*

Me: *bewildered* “Uh… I’m sorry, what?”

Client: “What are you wearing? I’m serious.”

Me: *struggling to muffle my laughter* “Standard work clothes, sir.”

Client: “Well, you shouldn’t be leaving yourself open to questions like that, little lady. It gets ya in trouble. You have a good day.” *hangs up*

(I took myself out of the queue and my team leader and I spent a good five minutes laughing.)

A Sheet Understanding Of Languages

| Coral Springs, FL, USA | Language & Words, Rude & Risque

(An elderly customer comes in with a manila folder filled with paper.)

Me: “Hello! Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need copy of… How do you say?”

(It’s clear English isn’t his first language, so I get closer to listen.)

Me: “What was that?”

Customer: “Do you say…’piece of paper?’ or ‘sheet of paper?'”

Me: “You can use either of them. Both are okay.”

(The customer seems to understand, and hands me a sheet from the folder.)

Customer: “This. I need five pieces of sheet.”

The Sweet Taste Of Karma

| Milford, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Bizarre, Rude & Risque

(I am a hostess at a restaurant. There is a regular who comes in with a woman, and the two of them seem to be in their 70s, although the woman seems more like his sister or caregiver than his wife. The man walks with a cane, and is constantly hitting on every woman he sees in the restaurant, to the point where a few of the servers get a little creeped out. On this day, the man has been hitting on everyone like normal, and right before he walks out, he stops at a jar of candy we have at the host stand near a sign that says, ‘guess how many candies and win!’)

Old Woman: “Those aren’t for eating, they’re for guessing.”

Old Man: *to me* “What do I get if I win?”

Me: “You win the jar of candy.”

Old Man: “Can I win the person who put the candy IN the jar instead?” *winks*

Me: “… Well, if you really want to, sure.”

Old Man: *gives me a huge, creepy grin*

Me: “That would be our manager. [Male Manager’s Name].”

Old Man: *drops smile completely* “Oh. Never mind.” *leaves*

Fishing For Tramps

| Titusville, FL, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

Customer: “What do I need to fish saltwater for shrimp?”

Me: “Just a saltwater fishing license.”

Customer: “No crawdad or lobster permit?”

Me: “Nope, just the saltwater license for $17.50.”

Customer: “Well what about freshwater? Will I need a tramp stamp for trout?”

(Right after that, he realized what he said. His friend and I were both laughing.)

A Phoned In Service

| Bastrop, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Rude & Risque, Technology

(I’m a cashier for a retail store. Normally I’m pretty nice with one main exception: If you are on a phone, I will NOT talk to you. A customer come up to me talking on her phone and I proceed to scan up her items, giving a small smile and a nod to acknowledge her. For the most part the customer doesn’t seem to care until she’s almost done.)

Customer: “Where’s my corn dog?”

(She resumes her phone conversation as I put the corn dog on the counter next to the credit reader.)

Customer: “HEL-LO! Where’s my corn dog?”

(I silently start to put her items into the buggy while she’s STILL keeps talking on her phone as I point to the corn dog. For the next few moments she attempts to talk to me only to also talk to the phone.)

Customer: “HELLO! Are you sleepy?! Where is my corn dog!?”

(I point to it one more time as she pays with a card and takes the corn dog and receipt. As she walks off, another customer walks to the counter without a cell phone and we start to carry a conversation.)

Next Customer: “Geez, she the only thing she seemed to care about was her corn dog! How do you deal with people like that?”

Me: “Just like I just did. So, now, how are you?”

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