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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Doesn’t Know When To Finnish

    | Canada | Crazy Requests, Language & Words, Rude & Risque

    (I’m teaching myself Finnish by talking to a friend over texts and by reading the newspaper clippings she sends me every now and then. It takes me a long time to read them, because I’m just beginning, so I do it in a library with a notebook to jot down notes. An elderly woman comes up while I am in the middle of getting my clippings, notebook, and pen out.)

    Woman: “Oh! What are you doing there? Learning Arabic or something?”

    (I look down at the very obviously not-Arabic text.)

    Me: “Nope, actually Finnish.”

    Woman: “What?”

    Me: “Finnish? Suomi?”

    Woman: *annoyed* “Are you telling me you don’t want to talk to me?”

    Me: “No, miss, I’m just saying that I’m teaching myself Finnish, the language from Finland.”

    Woman: *finally clicks* “Oh! I’m so sorry! I keep sticking my foot in it!”

    Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

    (I go to start working, and then I see the headline and stop.)

    Woman: “What’s the problem? You can’t do it?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s just I’m not sure this story is quite appropriate.”

    (I go to turn the page, but the woman snatches the clipping away and looks at it, bewildered.)

    Woman: “Don’t be ridiculous; how hard could it be?”

    Me: “Finnish isn’t related to English, so it’s unlikely you’d be able to recognize much.”

    Woman: “You’re just faking; [you're] trying to pick up women by looking clever! I f****** hate you f****** a**-holes who think they can fool people! You’re just a f****** b****** who thinks he’s so smart! D*** f****** kids these days!”

    (The woman flings the clipping back down and storms off. I begin translating, saying it as I write just loud enough for her to hear.)


    Doing Laps

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque

    (The store I work in has had a serious power outage, so a coworker and I are standing in the main aisles directing guests. As we’re standing there, an elderly customer on a personal scooter almost runs me over.)

    Me: “Can I help you find something?”

    Customer: “Why’s the power out?”

    Me: “We’re not entirely sure yet, but our managers are contacting the power company. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Hop on my lap and take me to the men’s department.”

    (My eyes go wide and I can barely respond. After I politely decline and provide directions, my coworker just looks at me.)

    Coworker: “Did that just happen?”

    Me: “Yes… yes it did. And unfortunately, this isn’t the first time.”

    Checking Him In And Checking Her Out

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque

    (I work at a hotel that caters to a branch of a hospital. I’m a larger-chested woman, and get frequent sexual harassment from guests.)

    Me: “As the hospital pays a portion of your stay, your grand total for the evening will be $44.40.”

    Guest: “That’s fine; I’d like to pay in cash.”

    Me: “Cash is acceptable, but we do ask that we get a credit card on file.”

    Guest: “Why the f*** do you need my credit card?”

    Me: “We need a credit card for incidentals or if by chance your stay is extended through the hospital.”

    Guest: “What the f*** is an incidental?”

    Me: “Incidentals would be damages or possible problems that may arise in the room.”

    Guest: “Do I look like I’d cause a f*****g problem?”

    Me: “Sir, I do not believe any of my guests would ever cause a problem; it’s just a precaution we must take. Now, I’d also ask that you refrain from using the f-word in the lobby.”

    Guest: “Listen, tits—”

    Me: “Sir, I kindly ask that you refrain from the vulgarities.”

    Guest: “You said I couldn’t say f***. You didn’t say nothin’ about tits!”

    Me: “That is a derogatory term in reference to my physical appearance. I will ask that you do not use that type of language in my lobby, or I will be forced to call the hospital and they will move you to a different establishment for the remainder of your stay.”


    Me: “Sir, I’ve asked you multiple times to correct your language and because of that last comment, you’ve now forced me to call the hospital as you are not welcome at our establishment.”

    Guest: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, sweet-cakes. I was just trying to make you angry. I love the way your boobs bounce when you get flustered and hold back.”

    (At that point my manager stepped in and told him to leave without even calling the hospital. Sick or not, no one has an excuse to openly sexually harass someone just trying to do their job.)

    Thank You For Shopping At ApocalypseMart: The Comic

    | JENSEN BEACH, FL, USA | Comics, Religion, Rude & Risque, Wild & Unruly

    They’re Having A Ball(s)

    | Denver, CO, USA | Funny Names, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I am sitting next to my mom while she makes a call on speakerphone to her ISP. I witness the conversation.)

    Representative: “Hello, thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [Name]. How can I help you?”

    Mom: “Hi, I need some testicle support.”

    Representative: “… I’m sorry?”

    Mom: “Testicle support! It doesn’t work right.”

    Representative: “Umm… do you mean ‘technical support?’”

    Mom: “Yes! What did I say?”

    Representative: “Uh, not anything I can repeat.”

    (I am struggling to hold my laughter in as I whisper the word to my mom.)

    Mom: “Oh! Oh my… I can’t believe I said that! You don’t think I’m a weirdo, do you?”

    Representative: *chuckling* “Don’t worry about it. That was the funniest thing I’ve heard all night.”

    (From that point on, they make a point of saying the word ‘technical’ whenever possible during the conversation, and all three of us giggle like gossiping schoolgirls when anyone says it. My mom gets to the end of the call…)

    Representative: “Thanks for calling [Company] TECHNICAL support.”

    Mom: “Thanks for being such a great TESTICLE service rep. The next time I have a TESTICLE issue, I would be thrilled to talk to you again. For now, I’ll leave you to take care of another customer’s TESTICLE issues. Thanks again!”

    (As we hang up, the last thing we hear is raucous laughter. We apparently made the night of more than one rep that little bit better. Thanks, Mom, for being such a loony!)

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