For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.
(I work at the fitting rooms of a retail store. Two women are trying on bathing suits. They each have had obvious plastic surgery and enormous racks.)
Customer #1: *dumps a pile of bikinis on my desk* “None of these fit! It’s ridiculous that your store doesn’t carry anything to fit me.”
Customer #2: “Don’t waste your breath…she wouldn’t understand. Look at how tiny her boobs are!”
Me: *speechless*
Customer #1: “Honey, let me give you my brother’s card. He can give you MUCH better boobs.”
Customer #2: “He did mine too! Look how bouncy they are!” *jiggles chest*
Me: “I’m…okay with C-cups, thanks.”
Customer #1: “Call him if you change your mind! Life is better with huge boobs!”
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1,248 Thumbs Up!)
(I work at an all-night internet cafe. We get a few customers come in late at night to watch adult movies. One night, I get a phone call along these lines.)
Caller: “Hi, do you have webcams I can use?”
Me: “Yes, we do.”
Caller: “What about tissues?”
Me: “Sorry, what was that?”
Caller: *muffled laughter* “Tissues. Do you guys have tissues?”
Me: *catching on* “Yes, sir…but you have to bring your own Vaseline.”
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877 Thumbs Up!)
Me: “Can I help you?”
Customer: “I want some anus anus.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “I want some anus anus!” *points to a bottle of Anais Anais, pronounced “ah-nah-iss”*
Me: “Oh, yes, sorry. That’ll be [price]!”
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664 Thumbs Up!)
Customer: “Can I have this loaf of bread sliced?”
Me: “Absolutely. Would you like that sliced thin or regular?”
Customer: “Well, I don’t know what you call it, but I want it sliced like this…”
(He pulls slice of bread from his pocket and hands it to me.)
Customer: “You can keep that. The wife and I couldn’t agree on how thick it was, so I thought it would be best to bring in a piece from the last loaf and let an expert look at it. ”
(At this point I’m a little dumbfounded, and trying hard to keep a straight face.)
Customer: “Yeah, the wife’s idea of four inches and my idea of four inches aren’t exactly the same thing, if you know what I mean.”
(I slice the loaf of bread for the man and hand it to him.)
Me: *laughing* “Here’s your bread, sir. Have a nice day.”
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986 Thumbs Up!)
(Note: I work at a charity that accepts donations.)
Customer: *quite loudly* “Where can I leave my domination clothing?”
Me: *stares shocked*
Customer: “That’s the wrong word, isn’t it?”
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1,045 Thumbs Up!)
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