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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    Best Put That Topic To Bed

    | Nottinghamshire, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I work in the bedroom department. My job is to approach passers-by and ask about what they’re looking for. A couple I ask takes an interest in a headboard.)

    Husband: “That’s no good for us, sweetie.”

    Wife: “Why not?”

    Husband: “Well…” *looks at me directly* “…there’s nowhere to put the handcuffs!”

    (I worked in Ann Summers for a year, and whilst I was unemployed did paid reviews on BDSM and other such toys.)

    Me: *smiling sweetly* “To be honest, the under-bed cuffing systems work so much better, especially the German makes. Plus they’re a lot more discreet. But if you’re infrequent users you may want to try bondage tape, it’s a lot cheaper in the long run, and it doesn’t like any visible marks or pulls on hair.”

    Husband: *turns red*

    Wife: *to her husband* “You had that coming.”

    Marriage Has Grey Areas

    | London, England, UK | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners

    (I’m at a bookstore, witnessing an exchange taking place between an employee and a middle-aged male customer.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where your copies of 50 Shades of Grey are?”

    Employee: “Sure, they’re over there.”

    (The customer walks over to the indicated shelf and picks up a copy.)

    Customer: “Right, anniversary present… sorted!”

    The Hard-Ball Explanation

    | Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

    (I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

    Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

    Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

    Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

    Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

    Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

    Me: “Neutered?”

    Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

    Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

    Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”

    Happy Spanksgiving

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Holidays, Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque, Themed Giveaway

    (I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog—who stay with my parents while I’m at college—falls out.)

    Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

    (The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

    TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

    Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

    TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

    Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

    Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

    Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

    (The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

    Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord girl, what will your parents think?!”

    TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”

    Top Shelf Morals, Bottom Shelf Attitude

    | Medford, MA, USA | Awesome Customers, Rude & Risque, Underaged

    (I am stocking magazines at a bookstore when two young boys reach high up on the shelves and grab adult magazines. They hunch over and open the magazines to gawk at the photos.)

    Me: “Excuse me, are you guys 18 or over?”

    Boy #1: “Why, what’s it to you?”

    Me: “It’s my job, actually. If you’re not 18, you can’t even touch those. Would you put that magazine back, please?”

    Boy #2: “I’m 18.”

    (Boy #2 is obviously about 12 or 13 from his height and appearance.)

    Me: “Really? What year were you born?”

    Boy #2: “None of your business!”

    Me: “Okay, both of you put those magazines back, right now.”

    Boy #1: “I’m 18, too.”

    (Just then, a young mother carrying a baby and a diaper bag approaches the counter a few feet away.)

    Young Mother: *to cashier* “Can I ask you for a certain book?”

    Cashier: “Sure, what are you looking for?”

    Young Mother: “It’s called ‘How to Raise a Moral Child‘.”

    (Boy #1 and Boy #2 burst out laughing, catching the attention of the young mother, who looks over disapprovingly. The boys laugh and turn away from her, now facing me.)

    Me: *arms crossed, leaning in* “How about now?”

    (They stop laughing abruptly, put the magazines back on the nearest shelf, and slink out.)


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