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    Category: Rude & Risque

    For those who like their humor a bit more PG-13, this section is littered with customers who are not afraid to walk on the more brazen side, or act downright gross-out disgusting. Be warned though that toilet humor sometimes literally takes place in the toilet.

    The Heavenly Penny Finally Dropped

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | At The Checkout, Funny Names, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque

    (I work in a small local library. A patron comes up to the front desk with a mischievous look in his eye. He plunks down a stack of movies.)

    Patron: “I didn’t know you guys had stuff like this.”

    (Not everyone knows that we lend videos and music, so I start on my standard ‘things you can get from the library’ spiel.)

    Patron: “No, man, I know about that! I meant porn!”

    Me: “Wha?”

    Patron: “Like this one, here!”

    (He holds up an old VHS.)

    Patron:Penis from Heaven!”

    Me: “‘Pennies,’” sir. It’s Pennies from Heaven.”

    Patron: “Oh. Well, you can keep it, then.”

    Where Blow Dry Has Another Meaning

    | Sydney, NSW, Australia | Funny Names, Rude & Risque

    (I work at a shopping centre. A customer approaches the desk to ask for directions to a shop.)

    Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. Where is ‘Hairhouse Whorehouse?’”

    Me: “Um? Do you mean ‘Hairhouse Warehouse?’”

    Customer: “…Oh, god! What did I just say?!”

    Getting Chesty About The Law

    | Rio de Janeiro, Brazil | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I’m an American married to a Brazilian, and I spend several months a year in Brazil. I work at a beachside stall serving beer and snacks. A pair of American tourists are in front of me, and the woman is topless, which is strictly illegal in Brazil, but many assume otherwise.)

    Man: “Hi. Two cervezas and, uh, some chips. You got chips?”

    Server: *in Portuguese* “Ma’am, you can’t be topless here! The police could arrest you. You need to cover up.”

    Woman: “What are you talking about? I don’t speak Spanish.”

    Me: “Lady, he’s telling you that you need to cover up.”

    Woman: “What? Like h*** I do. This is Brazil!”

    Me: “Yeah, a Catholic country that bans public nudity. You can be arrested.”

    Man: “F*** off. This is Brazil. People go topless on the beach all the time.”

    Me: “Well, look around at the beach. You’re the only woman in sight without a top on.”

    Woman: “Mind your d*** business.” *they walk off in a huff*

    Server: “I wonder if they noticed that they’re about to walk right past three police cars?”

    Me: “Probably not.”

    (I stood there, sipping my beer, and watched as the woman was cited for public nudity.)

    Natural Medicine Versus Naturist Medicine

    | GA, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque

    (I work for a local orthopedic surgeon. One of my jobs is to remove post-op braces and put casts on. I’m a young woman; the patient is a 19-year old man.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. You’ll be in room three. I need to go get some supplies, but go on and sit on the exam table. Make yourself comfortable.”

    (The patient nods and hops up on the table. I cut the splint off his leg. We request patients wear gym shorts so we don’t have to cut their jeans. I walk out to get supplies and close the door. When I return, I knock twice and open the door. He’s laid out on the table, naked, and playing with his PSP.)

    Me: “Um, sir? I didn’t need you to remove your clothes.”

    Patient: “What? You told me to get comfortable!”

    Ejected From The Library

    | New York, NY, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Rude & Risque

    (I’m an assistant librarian. We have a section of computers for our patrons to use, located directly next to the children’s section. One day while I’m re-shelving kid’s books, I hear what sounds like people having sex. I turn to look and see an old man sitting at one of the computers watching VERY explicit porn.)

    Me: “Sir! Excuse me, sir. I’m going to have to ask you to turn that off.”

    Old Man: “No! This is a free country!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but not only is that inappropriate content, we’re right next to the children’s section. You don’t want any of them to see that sort of thing. Do you?”

    Old Man: “It’s perfectly natural! They should see it! I knew all about this sort of thing when I was their age!”

    Me: “…sorry, what!?”

    Old Man: “My mother was a w****! I lost my virginity when I was ten! There’s nothing wrong with kids knowing about sex!”

    Me: “There are so many things wrong with that statement that I can’t even list them.”

    (I ended up having to call the police to remove him because he was making a scene. He was banned from the library, but he still tries to sneak in every few months to watch porn on our computers.)

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